Saturday, July 30, 2011

Cutting Ties

I turned 23 a couple days ago and I've recently realized that I don't exactly like how my life is turning out. I could easily put the blame on certain circumstances and on life being life but the truth is, there really is no one to blame but myself. That's why I've decided to make some improvements in my life, which happens to be the reason why I started this blog. I just thought it would be a good place to chart my progress, to rant about frustrations and basically to chronicle my journey to becoming the 2.0 version of myself.

I want to be a better person, so I figured the first thing I have to do is cut ties with people who do nothing but bring out the worst in me. There is definitely more than one person that should be on this list but I'm starting with you, Lover Boy.

We have had a connection for as long as I could remember yet somehow, we never really got together. Why? Because you only wanted me when you couldn't have me. Every time your relationships got a little too boring for you, you sought me out. For the longest time, I played along with your stupid games, even though I kept on losing. I was young. I was stupid. I had low self esteem and I desperately wanted to feel wanted. You took advantage of that. That was how you made me feel. Like I was someone worthy of attention. Of course that is before you completely ignore me again for months at a time. I didn't mind though. At least I thought I didn't. After all, what's a few flirty text messages and occasional fooling around anyway? I would call you when I was a little drunk and you would do the same. We make out, we fool around but we've never gone all the way. I thought I was okay with all of that, hooking up with you with no strings attached. But no, I've always felt guilty about it afterward. You have cheated on all of your girlfriends since high school. With me. What exactly does that make me? A slut? Maybe. But never once did you make feel like that and I appreciated it. I'll give credit where credit is due, you knew the real me and you accepted that.

You are one of the only people who know that side of me and you don't judge me for it (at least I didn't think so). That's how I justified what we were doing. We were friends. With a little benefit every now and then. But we're not friends at all are we, Lover Boy? One day you asked if I wanted to go out. That day happened to be my birthday. I thought you knew, but you didn't. You just wanted to hook up. You, Love, are an ass.

Just recently, you asked me what I did for work. I distinctly remember telling you that a couple of times before. You don't know where I live, you don't even remember where I went to college. You never seem to remember anything I tell you. After almost ten years of "friendship", you know nothing about me. And as it turns out, I know nothing about you as well. Were we really ever friends? I think we just keep using that word as a better substitute for what we really are. We are not friends. Our relationship was formed for all the wrong reasons. You wanted someone to break the monotony of your relationships and I wanted to feel validated.

The other day, you said you wanted to meet up. You are actually a semi decent person and I thought that if we try, we could actually be friends. We hadn't seen each other in a while so I agreed. You said you wanted to be alone with me. You asked if I were home alone. You asked if you could come over. I'm not going into the details of that conversation but what happens next is partly my fault. I'm sorry if I led you on. You probably think I'm a tease, don't you? Like I said, I know it's partly my fault but I was somehow insulted when you asked me if I wanted to go to a motel with you. Is that really what you thought of me? The first few times we fooled around were at parties, at friends' houses. It felt innocent, natural. Things like that happen all the time. You mentioned you were also home alone and still, you invited me to a motel. If back then you didn't make me feel like a slut, well congratulations, you do now. I felt so cheap. I said no but you kept pushing it. That really is all I am to you, isn't it?

Did I ever tell you that I cried after the first time we fooled around? I was fifteen then and you were the first guy I did anything with. It was summer before senior year on our class trip. We were alone in the pool and you started touching me. I objected at first but being a hormone filled teenager, I eventually relented. We didn't really go very far but I cried in the shower afterward. I don't know why I let it happen again and again. In a way, I guess you somehow "damaged" me.

Back then, I mistakenly though that I want the same thing you wanted, but I was wrong. You wanted sex, I wanted a relationship. I want romance. I want fireworks. I want the whole Disney happily ever after ending. I want to be treated like a Princess, not some cheap whore that you can discard after you're done.

So I guess this is goodbye, Lover Boy. I've blocked you on facebook and I've deleted your number from my phone. You will always be my first and I will never forget you. I genuinely wish for your happiness. On days that you are feeling the urge to cheat on your girlfriend, don't come looking for that girl you used to hook up with because she doesn't live here anymore.