Sunday, October 06, 2013

I Don't Even Know Anymore

I haven't heard from AR in almost 2 months. I guess it's safe to say that whatever I thought we had is over. I never saw him again after my birthday. We texted for about two weeks after that, tried making plans to see each other, but neither us really made any concrete effort to see each other. After a while, I guess he got bored or busy or whatever. The texts stopped and we never spoke again. It kind of sucked at first, you know? Cause I really thought it could work. He was a great guy and everything and I thought I really could like him. After giving it a lot of thought, I have realized that no, I didn't really like him all that much at all. I just liked the idea of him, what he represented, and how he made me feel. Not he, himself as a person. I've said it before and I'll say it again, he's a great guy, but I guess there was just no chemistry between us. Or at least not enough. I liked him enough, but if I did end up with him, I would always feel like I settled. I don't want "enough". I want the whole she-bang. I want the whole "can't live without you" sort of love that will make me lose all logic and cause me to act ridiculous and stupid. I want the kind of love that will the stuff that movies are made of. I want the Disney happily ever after ending. I know it sounds unrealistic, especially in this day and age. But hey, a girl can hope.

Life hasn't been going great these past few months. I can't explain it. It's like all these little things have piled up over time and now I am overwhelmed by all of it. Nothing has been going right for me. I feel like I am failing at every aspect of my life. I hate my soul crushing, dead end job. I'm having financial problems, an existential crisis, and then there is this thing with my friends.

Last month, my college friends and I had a little get together for KE's birthday. All through the night, they kept making fun of me for the whole Shift fiasco last year. I told them I didn't wanna talk about that ever again but they kept going. Basically they made fun of me all night and made me feel like a total slut. Like, I know I totally messed up that night, but they didn't really have to rub it in my face every chance they got. I feel bad enough about it already without them reminding me every single time we see each other. I know they think I'm a slut. I mean, I can accept that from other people but it really hurts when you find out what your friends really think of you. I cried in the cab all the way home. I deactivated my Facebook account and avoided them. I didn't reply to any text messages and I didn't answer any of their phone calls. They probably figured out that I was upset but still, I haven't gotten any apology. It's been more than a month and I'm still sort of avoiding them. I keep making up excuses when they invite me to hang out. I just don't feel like seeing them. The things they said really did a number on me, especially when one of them said that he wanted to set me up with one his friends but that friend had high standards. It just hit me hard, for some reason. Why wasn't I enough? I'm smart, I'm funny, I'm not at all terrible looking, and I am a good person. Why isn't that enough? Does the fact that I will always be a little bit slutty offset all the other good things about me? I have been contemplating if I should try to change myself so that people take me more seriously and guys start seeing me as girlfriend material. Should I really change myself for other people? Do I value their opinions that much? I still don't really know the answer to those questions. Like I said, I'm having a major existential and quarter life crisis over here. I don't know what to do with my life and myself. I wish I were as well adjusted as everyone else. People always say that they wish they were "special", "different" or whatever.  Well, I wish I was just like everyone else.