I haven't heard from AR in almost 2 months. I guess it's safe to say that whatever I thought we had is over. I never saw him again after my birthday. We texted for about two weeks after that, tried making plans to see each other, but neither us really made any concrete effort to see each other. After a while, I guess he got bored or busy or whatever. The texts stopped and we never spoke again. It kind of sucked at first, you know? Cause I really thought it could work. He was a great guy and everything and I thought I really could like him. After giving it a lot of thought, I have realized that no, I didn't really like him all that much at all. I just liked the idea of him, what he represented, and how he made me feel. Not he, himself as a person. I've said it before and I'll say it again, he's a great guy, but I guess there was just no chemistry between us. Or at least not enough. I liked him enough, but if I did end up with him, I would always feel like I settled. I don't want "enough". I want the whole she-bang. I want the whole "can't live without you" sort of love that will make me lose all logic and cause me to act ridiculous and stupid. I want the kind of love that will the stuff that movies are made of. I want the Disney happily ever after ending. I know it sounds unrealistic, especially in this day and age. But hey, a girl can hope.
Life hasn't been going great these past few months. I can't explain it. It's like all these little things have piled up over time and now I am overwhelmed by all of it. Nothing has been going right for me. I feel like I am failing at every aspect of my life. I hate my soul crushing, dead end job. I'm having financial problems, an existential crisis, and then there is this thing with my friends.
Last month, my college friends and I had a little get together for KE's birthday. All through the night, they kept making fun of me for the whole Shift fiasco last year. I told them I didn't wanna talk about that ever again but they kept going. Basically they made fun of me all night and made me feel like a total slut. Like, I know I totally messed up that night, but they didn't really have to rub it in my face every chance they got. I feel bad enough about it already without them reminding me every single time we see each other. I know they think I'm a slut. I mean, I can accept that from other people but it really hurts when you find out what your friends really think of you. I cried in the cab all the way home. I deactivated my Facebook account and avoided them. I didn't reply to any text messages and I didn't answer any of their phone calls. They probably figured out that I was upset but still, I haven't gotten any apology. It's been more than a month and I'm still sort of avoiding them. I keep making up excuses when they invite me to hang out. I just don't feel like seeing them. The things they said really did a number on me, especially when one of them said that he wanted to set me up with one his friends but that friend had high standards. It just hit me hard, for some reason. Why wasn't I enough? I'm smart, I'm funny, I'm not at all terrible looking, and I am a good person. Why isn't that enough? Does the fact that I will always be a little bit slutty offset all the other good things about me? I have been contemplating if I should try to change myself so that people take me more seriously and guys start seeing me as girlfriend material. Should I really change myself for other people? Do I value their opinions that much? I still don't really know the answer to those questions. Like I said, I'm having a major existential and quarter life crisis over here. I don't know what to do with my life and myself. I wish I were as well adjusted as everyone else. People always say that they wish they were "special", "different" or whatever. Well, I wish I was just like everyone else.
Sunday, October 06, 2013
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Twenty Five
I don't even know how to begin. In my last post, I mentioned that AR and I are no longer speaking. Nothing was really happening so at the time, I decided it would be best to just let things die down naturally. I stopped replying to his texts and Facebook messages. About a week ago, I received a message from one of our common friends telling me that she ran into AR and they got to talking about me. He told her that I was no longer replying to him and when I did, it was usually two days after. At first I was kind of angry because for the first few weeks after we met, he was the one who was constantly leaving our conversations hanging. I only started to ignore him because I was getting tired of replying to him and not getting a response back. After a while, I felt kind of guilty about the whole thing. I thought about texting him but I kept finding reasons not to. I thought that was that. I was so wrong.
I turned twenty five last Friday. To celebrate, I booked a small table at a club (same one mentioned in previous post) and invited T, I, and some friends from college. Some of my college friends had an event to go to that same night so were supposed to come by a little later. Imagine my surprise when, in the middle of getting my drunk on, AR showed up with my friends. I totally freaked out. I immediately put my drink down and stubbed the cig I was smoking. I said a quick hi, grabbed T and hauled ass to the nearest restroom. It took forever before I finally managed to calm down and go back outside. Through the night, I kept making excuses to leave every once in a while. Like I said, I was absolutely freaking out. I mean, I thought I would never ever see the guy again and then there he was. I kept receiving text messages from my friends telling me to come back, to talk to him or whatever. And being the idiot that I am, I decided that the best way to deal with the situation is to get drunk of my ass. I know, I'm a fucking genius. I downed tequila shots like there was no tomorrow. After a while, I was already slightly buzzed and I got more comfortable. We got to talking. We addressed the fact that both us were terrible at replying to text messages. I told him he was too busy and then he said he'll find a way around his schedule somehow. He said to be at the hospital at 7am the next day but it was worth not getting any sleep because he got to see me. He also told me I was beautiful. I almost died. No guy has ever said that to me before.
A few more drinks later, we were dancing with each other. It was nothing like with that guy I mentioned in my previous post (lets just cal him CE). AR kept his hands to himself and he was a real gentleman even though I was basically throwing myself at him. A few more drinks later, I ended up with my arms around his neck and my face buried in his chest. His hands were on my waist and he kept them there even though I was secretly wishing he'd touch me in inappropriate places. I told him that he was such a gentleman and that most guys would have easily taken advantage of the situation. He said something like girls should be respected or something to that effect. I don't remember exactly the things he said but I remember how it made me feel. I swooned. Like I literally could not help but grin like a fucking idiot. We stayed like that for a while, with our arms around each other and then he told me to look at him. I looked up at him and then he kissed me. It was weird. I didn't feel the way I usually feel when I kissed guys. It's hard to explain. When I kissed Lover Boy or CE, it was full of sexual energy. I mean, I wanted to get it on with them. With AR, it was just kinda nice. I just wanted to be in his arms and not do anything but just stay there like that with him. Like I said, it's kind of weird. Is that a bad thing? That I don't picture myself having sex with him when I kiss him?
Anyway, at around 4am, my friends were looking pretty bored so we decided to call it a night. I went home with T and I and he went home with my other friends. We've been texting again since last Saturday and last night, he told me that his grandmother is in her deathbed and that they were really close. I really didn't know what to say. I felt so bad for him and all I wanted to do was go over to where he is and give him a hug. He also told me that he wanted to see me again so we could get to know each other more. I told him I was looking forward to seeing him again, and I actually meant it. He asked me what my favorite flowers were and of course, being me, I didn't have a favorite flower. I told him I loved tulips or any flower as long as they're not roses because roses are so cliche. He said tulips are kind of expensive but it's worth it when the person you are giving it to means a lot to you. I almost screamed.
In the last few days, I've noticed that there was something different in our interactions now. Something had changed. I mean, when I talked to him back then, before Friday I mean, it was all very formal. Small talk. Now we can actually joke around each other and even flirt a little. Things had definitely shifted. I'm not sure if that's a good thing. Back then I wanted him to see me as a "good girl" so I kept from being flirty and forward. I was always second guessing the things I say to him. But now, after what happened, I feel more comfortable being myself around him. I mean, he'd already seen me wasted as fuck so what else do I have to hide, right? I just hope that what happened doesn't change his opinion of me. I don't want him to see me as just some easy party girl because I think I might actually really like him. I don't know. The way I feel about him right now is starting to freak me out. He's a great guy and all my friends like him. They're even threatening me with bodily harm if I screw things up. Which I probably will. I don't know. There are moments when I wish I could just go back to not caring about him and just flirting with random guys I meet. I want to go back to just having fun, no emotions involved. T said it was time to give that shit up. That I should try being serious with someone for a change. She's probably right but the thought of it scares the shit out of me. It's kind of scary because I think this could be it. Not it, but you know. He seems like he is boyfriend material. I don't know. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.
I turned twenty five last Friday. To celebrate, I booked a small table at a club (same one mentioned in previous post) and invited T, I, and some friends from college. Some of my college friends had an event to go to that same night so were supposed to come by a little later. Imagine my surprise when, in the middle of getting my drunk on, AR showed up with my friends. I totally freaked out. I immediately put my drink down and stubbed the cig I was smoking. I said a quick hi, grabbed T and hauled ass to the nearest restroom. It took forever before I finally managed to calm down and go back outside. Through the night, I kept making excuses to leave every once in a while. Like I said, I was absolutely freaking out. I mean, I thought I would never ever see the guy again and then there he was. I kept receiving text messages from my friends telling me to come back, to talk to him or whatever. And being the idiot that I am, I decided that the best way to deal with the situation is to get drunk of my ass. I know, I'm a fucking genius. I downed tequila shots like there was no tomorrow. After a while, I was already slightly buzzed and I got more comfortable. We got to talking. We addressed the fact that both us were terrible at replying to text messages. I told him he was too busy and then he said he'll find a way around his schedule somehow. He said to be at the hospital at 7am the next day but it was worth not getting any sleep because he got to see me. He also told me I was beautiful. I almost died. No guy has ever said that to me before.
A few more drinks later, we were dancing with each other. It was nothing like with that guy I mentioned in my previous post (lets just cal him CE). AR kept his hands to himself and he was a real gentleman even though I was basically throwing myself at him. A few more drinks later, I ended up with my arms around his neck and my face buried in his chest. His hands were on my waist and he kept them there even though I was secretly wishing he'd touch me in inappropriate places. I told him that he was such a gentleman and that most guys would have easily taken advantage of the situation. He said something like girls should be respected or something to that effect. I don't remember exactly the things he said but I remember how it made me feel. I swooned. Like I literally could not help but grin like a fucking idiot. We stayed like that for a while, with our arms around each other and then he told me to look at him. I looked up at him and then he kissed me. It was weird. I didn't feel the way I usually feel when I kissed guys. It's hard to explain. When I kissed Lover Boy or CE, it was full of sexual energy. I mean, I wanted to get it on with them. With AR, it was just kinda nice. I just wanted to be in his arms and not do anything but just stay there like that with him. Like I said, it's kind of weird. Is that a bad thing? That I don't picture myself having sex with him when I kiss him?
Anyway, at around 4am, my friends were looking pretty bored so we decided to call it a night. I went home with T and I and he went home with my other friends. We've been texting again since last Saturday and last night, he told me that his grandmother is in her deathbed and that they were really close. I really didn't know what to say. I felt so bad for him and all I wanted to do was go over to where he is and give him a hug. He also told me that he wanted to see me again so we could get to know each other more. I told him I was looking forward to seeing him again, and I actually meant it. He asked me what my favorite flowers were and of course, being me, I didn't have a favorite flower. I told him I loved tulips or any flower as long as they're not roses because roses are so cliche. He said tulips are kind of expensive but it's worth it when the person you are giving it to means a lot to you. I almost screamed.
In the last few days, I've noticed that there was something different in our interactions now. Something had changed. I mean, when I talked to him back then, before Friday I mean, it was all very formal. Small talk. Now we can actually joke around each other and even flirt a little. Things had definitely shifted. I'm not sure if that's a good thing. Back then I wanted him to see me as a "good girl" so I kept from being flirty and forward. I was always second guessing the things I say to him. But now, after what happened, I feel more comfortable being myself around him. I mean, he'd already seen me wasted as fuck so what else do I have to hide, right? I just hope that what happened doesn't change his opinion of me. I don't want him to see me as just some easy party girl because I think I might actually really like him. I don't know. The way I feel about him right now is starting to freak me out. He's a great guy and all my friends like him. They're even threatening me with bodily harm if I screw things up. Which I probably will. I don't know. There are moments when I wish I could just go back to not caring about him and just flirting with random guys I meet. I want to go back to just having fun, no emotions involved. T said it was time to give that shit up. That I should try being serious with someone for a change. She's probably right but the thought of it scares the shit out of me. It's kind of scary because I think this could be it. Not it, but you know. He seems like he is boyfriend material. I don't know. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
You Only Live Once
Updates! AR and I are no longer in contact with each other. He invited me to a movie but we didn't really push through with it. We texted each other for a while but our conversations never really went anywhere and eventually I guess we both just stopped trying. It really wasn't meant to be. He was nice enough but there just wasn't any chemistry between us. It doesn't really matter that much to me anyway. Like I said, whatever happens, I will always be glad that I decided to go on that "date".
Anyway, another big news is that R has left to go work in Singapore. I still can't believe she's gone. We had a little send off party for her the other week. We got all dressed up and went out for drinks. We've all been friends for more than a decade but that was the first time we went out to an actual club. I'm usually not a huge fan of loud and crowded places but I seriously had a blast. My legs hurt from standing around and dancing all night and my credit card definitely felt the damage as well. I'm almost twenty five and I just now realized that I actually like going out dancing. T felt the same. We were both feeling pretty stressed about work and we needed to unwind. And for that reason, the very next week, (last Friday), we found ourselves yet again at the same club. R has left for Singapore a couple of days before so it was just M,I, T and me. We danced, we drank, and got approached by some guys.It was great. I and M had work the next day so they had to leave at around 1am. Me and T were still having a good time so we decided to stay. A few minutes later, two guys approached us. I wasn't really interested at first because I just wanted to have a good time with T, but because the guy I was talking to was pretty hot (and because of the obscene amount of alcohol I had in my system), I thought "Why the hell not?". We started dancing, innocently enough at first but then we ended up grinding up on each other. A few minutes later, his hands were all over me and my hands were all over him and there was kissing involved. I found out a little later that he had a girlfriend. They've been together for six years. I thought about giving him the boot right then and there but I didn't. At that point I don't think I would have cared if he was married. He tried getting me to go with him to the men's room but I was stopped by a bouncer posted at the door. We continued flirting right at the bar and he was asking me to go home with him. I told him it wasn't happening. All this was going on while T was busy with her guy. They were majorly flirting and making out. Did I mention that T has a boyfriend? Well, she does. And I reminded her of this fact quite a number of times. They've been having problems recently and at that moment, I guess she just wanted to forget about him for a while. Things were heating up and before I knew it, me and the guy were totally all over each other. His hands were on my ass, breasts, you name it. And mine were on his crotch. He asked me to put my hand inside his pants but the bouncer behind him was giving me the stink eye so I decided against it. After a while, he and his friend whispered to each other and he grabbed my hand and said "Let's go."
At this point, I was pretty drunk so I just took his hand and he led me out of the club. I asked T where we were going and she told me we were going back to their place. I told her that no, we weren't. We were going home. She was pretty set on going home with the guy and I couldn't very well leave her, so against my better judgement, I went too. Their place was pretty far and by the time we got there, my guy was already half asleep. I was honestly scared as shit. I had never gone home with a stranger before and as you probably know by now, I've never had sex so I was extremely nervous. I didn't want my first time to be a one night stand with a complete stranger. However hot said stranger may be.
We got to the bedroom, and as soon as he got on the bed, he fucking fell asleep. Can you believe it? It's kind of really funny and infuriating at the same time. A part of me is totally bummed that he flirted with me all night, got me to go home with him and then he falls asleep. But a bigger part of me is relieved that nothing happened between us. Had he not fallen asleep, I don't think I could have said no to him. He lied down and pulled me to him and we both fell asleep. Okay, I didn't really sleep at all. I just lay there tossing and turning. As much as it felt good to be sleeping next to a really hot guy, I just couldn't get comfortable because said hot guy was still a complete stranger and I still had no idea where I was. Add to that the fact that T and her guy were having sex and they were so fucking loud.
After I don't know how long, they finished and T "woke me up" so we could go. Her guy walked us out and got us on a cab. My guy didn't even wake up. It was like he was in a freakin coma or something. The cab ride home took forever. And it cost us a fortune. Up to now, I still have no idea where we ended up. T's boyfriend kept calling all through the cab ride home. It was awkward. We got home a little past 7am.
She later told me that she had sex with the guy twice and they didn't use protection. Being the responsible friend that I was, I looked up morning after pills and made her go to the drug store to buy some. She was really nervous and I was nervous for her. And then there was the issue of whether or not she should tell her boyfriend. I told her not to. Because what good would come of it, right? Her boyfriend didn't take her calls all day. She was convinced that he knew but I told her not to say anything. They met up the next day and they're totally fine now. T said that her boyfriend was really making an effort. She had considered breaking up with him but now she's having second thoughts. I asked her if she plans on contacting the other guy again. She said no. Not unless she gets pregnant, which I hope to God doesn't happen. I, on the other hand, am desperate to see my guy again which would be difficult because I didn't get his number. Or his last name.
We talked a great deal about the incident and just how stupid we were, going home with two complete strangers. We were lucky that nothing happened and we didn't end up murdered and dumped in a ditch somewhere. Despite everything, T and I agreed that we still had a pretty good time. No regrets. Would we be going out again? Probably not anytime soon. And probably not just the two of us. We tend to get in trouble when it's just the two of us. The problem is, I can't seem to wanna stop going out and meeting guys. I don't know what's happening to me. Maybe it's a quarter life crisis thing, or whatever. I feel like I only have a limited amount of time to get all of this out of my system. I feel like I'm running out of time. Does that make sense? Anyway, we both agreed to lay low for a while.
It's officially one month before my twenty fifth birthday and I plan on celebrating it at that very same club with my friends. I can not wait to go out, get drunk, and get picked up by guys again. I know that's terrible, but as they say, YOLO.
Anyway, another big news is that R has left to go work in Singapore. I still can't believe she's gone. We had a little send off party for her the other week. We got all dressed up and went out for drinks. We've all been friends for more than a decade but that was the first time we went out to an actual club. I'm usually not a huge fan of loud and crowded places but I seriously had a blast. My legs hurt from standing around and dancing all night and my credit card definitely felt the damage as well. I'm almost twenty five and I just now realized that I actually like going out dancing. T felt the same. We were both feeling pretty stressed about work and we needed to unwind. And for that reason, the very next week, (last Friday), we found ourselves yet again at the same club. R has left for Singapore a couple of days before so it was just M,I, T and me. We danced, we drank, and got approached by some guys.It was great. I and M had work the next day so they had to leave at around 1am. Me and T were still having a good time so we decided to stay. A few minutes later, two guys approached us. I wasn't really interested at first because I just wanted to have a good time with T, but because the guy I was talking to was pretty hot (and because of the obscene amount of alcohol I had in my system), I thought "Why the hell not?". We started dancing, innocently enough at first but then we ended up grinding up on each other. A few minutes later, his hands were all over me and my hands were all over him and there was kissing involved. I found out a little later that he had a girlfriend. They've been together for six years. I thought about giving him the boot right then and there but I didn't. At that point I don't think I would have cared if he was married. He tried getting me to go with him to the men's room but I was stopped by a bouncer posted at the door. We continued flirting right at the bar and he was asking me to go home with him. I told him it wasn't happening. All this was going on while T was busy with her guy. They were majorly flirting and making out. Did I mention that T has a boyfriend? Well, she does. And I reminded her of this fact quite a number of times. They've been having problems recently and at that moment, I guess she just wanted to forget about him for a while. Things were heating up and before I knew it, me and the guy were totally all over each other. His hands were on my ass, breasts, you name it. And mine were on his crotch. He asked me to put my hand inside his pants but the bouncer behind him was giving me the stink eye so I decided against it. After a while, he and his friend whispered to each other and he grabbed my hand and said "Let's go."
At this point, I was pretty drunk so I just took his hand and he led me out of the club. I asked T where we were going and she told me we were going back to their place. I told her that no, we weren't. We were going home. She was pretty set on going home with the guy and I couldn't very well leave her, so against my better judgement, I went too. Their place was pretty far and by the time we got there, my guy was already half asleep. I was honestly scared as shit. I had never gone home with a stranger before and as you probably know by now, I've never had sex so I was extremely nervous. I didn't want my first time to be a one night stand with a complete stranger. However hot said stranger may be.
We got to the bedroom, and as soon as he got on the bed, he fucking fell asleep. Can you believe it? It's kind of really funny and infuriating at the same time. A part of me is totally bummed that he flirted with me all night, got me to go home with him and then he falls asleep. But a bigger part of me is relieved that nothing happened between us. Had he not fallen asleep, I don't think I could have said no to him. He lied down and pulled me to him and we both fell asleep. Okay, I didn't really sleep at all. I just lay there tossing and turning. As much as it felt good to be sleeping next to a really hot guy, I just couldn't get comfortable because said hot guy was still a complete stranger and I still had no idea where I was. Add to that the fact that T and her guy were having sex and they were so fucking loud.
After I don't know how long, they finished and T "woke me up" so we could go. Her guy walked us out and got us on a cab. My guy didn't even wake up. It was like he was in a freakin coma or something. The cab ride home took forever. And it cost us a fortune. Up to now, I still have no idea where we ended up. T's boyfriend kept calling all through the cab ride home. It was awkward. We got home a little past 7am.
She later told me that she had sex with the guy twice and they didn't use protection. Being the responsible friend that I was, I looked up morning after pills and made her go to the drug store to buy some. She was really nervous and I was nervous for her. And then there was the issue of whether or not she should tell her boyfriend. I told her not to. Because what good would come of it, right? Her boyfriend didn't take her calls all day. She was convinced that he knew but I told her not to say anything. They met up the next day and they're totally fine now. T said that her boyfriend was really making an effort. She had considered breaking up with him but now she's having second thoughts. I asked her if she plans on contacting the other guy again. She said no. Not unless she gets pregnant, which I hope to God doesn't happen. I, on the other hand, am desperate to see my guy again which would be difficult because I didn't get his number. Or his last name.
We talked a great deal about the incident and just how stupid we were, going home with two complete strangers. We were lucky that nothing happened and we didn't end up murdered and dumped in a ditch somewhere. Despite everything, T and I agreed that we still had a pretty good time. No regrets. Would we be going out again? Probably not anytime soon. And probably not just the two of us. We tend to get in trouble when it's just the two of us. The problem is, I can't seem to wanna stop going out and meeting guys. I don't know what's happening to me. Maybe it's a quarter life crisis thing, or whatever. I feel like I only have a limited amount of time to get all of this out of my system. I feel like I'm running out of time. Does that make sense? Anyway, we both agreed to lay low for a while.
It's officially one month before my twenty fifth birthday and I plan on celebrating it at that very same club with my friends. I can not wait to go out, get drunk, and get picked up by guys again. I know that's terrible, but as they say, YOLO.
Saturday, May 11, 2013
"Life Begins At The End of Your Comfort Zone"
Feels like forever ago since I last posted anything here. Anyway, big things happening in my life right now. I've been steadily gaining weight in the past few months and before I knew it, I was overweight and I felt like shit. I felt terrible about myself to the point that I didn't even wanna leave the house except for work anymore. Last March, I decided to take control and change that. I started eating healthy and going to the gym 3-5 times a week. It was insanely difficult but now I can say all of the hard work has been worth it. I look great, I feel great and dare I say, I'm in the best shape I've ever been health wise. And it's not just me who noticed. My family, friends, people at work have commented on the weight loss. That and seeing my progress is definitely motivating me to keep going. The exercise is easy, it's the healthy eating that's proving to be a challenge. I've not had any fast food in two months and that's huge accomplishment for me. It's hard but it's definitely worth it. People keep asking me why I'm doing this and my reply is always simple, yet hard to explain. I'm doing this for me. I'm taking control of my body, my life and I've honestly never felt this good in a long time. I blame it on the exercise endorphins.
Anyway, another big news. I went on my first "date" ever the other night. I put quotation marks on there because it wasn't actually a date date. It's kind of a long story, but to cut it short, my college friends set me up with a guy from their class. I had no intention of agreeing to it but they were so persistent that I eventually said yes. They agreed to come along so it was kind of a group thing. Stressed me out all week just thinking about it. I've never done this sort of thing and I tried to play it cool like it was no big deal but I was nervous as fuck. I tried to think of ways to get out of it but in the end, I decided to just go along with it because really, what have I got to lose?
It's kind of embarrassing that I had to ask my bff T about what to wear and all that stuff. I kept thinking that this sort of thing happens to you in high school, not when you're about to turn twenty five. I didn't want to look like I prepared for it or whatever but I also didn't want to look sloppy. I wanted him to like me but at the same time, I didn't because I probably won't like him. Does that make sense? My head was a total mess these last few days.
I was suppose to meet them (my college friends and the guy, who we shall call "AR") at around 7:30 after work but the traffic was insane and I ended up getting there an hour late. It was seriously pretty fucking awkward at dinner. My friends were there but they were pretty much ignoring me and forcing me to talk to my "date". We didn't talk at all through dinner. I wanted to run out of there and just end the whole thing. Fortunately, things took a turn for the better when I had to go to the restroom which was pretty far from where we were seated. They insisted that he walk me there (fucking awkward, I tell you) and once we were away from my friends (who spent the entire dinner making everything as uncomfortable as hell), we actually got to talking. We had some drinks at a bar after that. By this time, things were looking up. I don't know if it was because of the alcohol (it probably is), but I felt myself gradually feeling comfortable around him. We were talking more and laughing and from my point of view, I think we had fun. At the end of the night, he got me in a cab and asked for my number. I was pretty tipsy at this point and honestly I couldn't really think all too well. I know, I know, getting drunk on a first "date" is a no no but whatever. I gave him my number but I wasn't entirely sure if I gave him the right one so I told him to just check with my friends. He probably thinks I'm a party girl who can't handle her drinks but at the moment, all I could think of was that if I had accidentally given him the wrong number, he might think I did it on purpose because I'm not into him. I didn't wanna seem like a bitch so thats why I told him to just check with my friends. Pretty decent of me huh? Anyway, he texted a few minutes later to ask if I got home okay. I told him yeah, I was home and about to go to sleep. He said good night and thanked me for my time. He sounded so formal.
So now, I just got home from hanging out with T and the rest of the gang, who demanded details about the "date". They were so happy for me. To be honest, I'm happy for me too. It was a huge step for me. I was surprised to find that it really wasn't so bad. I actually had fun. I haven't heard from AR since that last text. He hasn't even added me on Facebook yet. I really don't know what to think and again, it's stressing me out. It's not that I'm really into him but I want him to be into me, you know? Does that makes sense? I just don't like being rejected. I wanna be the one doing the rejecting. Yeah, it sounds bad, I know.
I really have no idea how well or awful the "date" was for him and it's taking all of me to not ask my college friends if he has mentioned anything. I don't want them thinking that I like him, like him. Well, I don't dislike him or anything. He was okay to talk to, he seemed interested in the things I say. We got to talking about books and I was surprised to learn that he had never heard of The Great Gatsby. Of course, in all my infinite geekery, I totally gushed over the book and urged him to read it. I really appreciated the fact that he took the time to type down the title of the book and the author on his phone. Plus points for him. I also liked the fact that he was a complete gentleman all through out the night even when I was obviously drunk. Totally different from all the boys I used to know. So do I like him? The truth is I really don't know. But that doesn't stop me from over thinking and obsessing over the fact that I have not heard from him at all. I thinks it's probably because of the stupid three day rule. Fuck that. Whatever the reason is, the one thing I know for sure is that I definitely will not be adding him on Facebook or calling him first. Will I see him again? I don't know. We invited him to go see The Great Gatsby with us when it opens. I don't think I'm ready to be alone with him if it comes to that. I really hate this feeling. My head is a fucking mess and I can't think about anything else. Is it always like this? Ugh. I feel like such a newbie.
Whatever. I have no idea how this whole thing is going to play out but whatever happens, I don't regret deciding to go and meeting him. I've had too many what ifs already. I'm proud of myself for taking a step away from my comfort zone. It was a good experience and I should probably do this more often. Not date more often but you know, do things I'm afraid of doing. I'm almost twenty five and I think it's about time to step it up and really put myself out there, not just dating wise.
Anyway, another big news. I went on my first "date" ever the other night. I put quotation marks on there because it wasn't actually a date date. It's kind of a long story, but to cut it short, my college friends set me up with a guy from their class. I had no intention of agreeing to it but they were so persistent that I eventually said yes. They agreed to come along so it was kind of a group thing. Stressed me out all week just thinking about it. I've never done this sort of thing and I tried to play it cool like it was no big deal but I was nervous as fuck. I tried to think of ways to get out of it but in the end, I decided to just go along with it because really, what have I got to lose?
It's kind of embarrassing that I had to ask my bff T about what to wear and all that stuff. I kept thinking that this sort of thing happens to you in high school, not when you're about to turn twenty five. I didn't want to look like I prepared for it or whatever but I also didn't want to look sloppy. I wanted him to like me but at the same time, I didn't because I probably won't like him. Does that make sense? My head was a total mess these last few days.
I was suppose to meet them (my college friends and the guy, who we shall call "AR") at around 7:30 after work but the traffic was insane and I ended up getting there an hour late. It was seriously pretty fucking awkward at dinner. My friends were there but they were pretty much ignoring me and forcing me to talk to my "date". We didn't talk at all through dinner. I wanted to run out of there and just end the whole thing. Fortunately, things took a turn for the better when I had to go to the restroom which was pretty far from where we were seated. They insisted that he walk me there (fucking awkward, I tell you) and once we were away from my friends (who spent the entire dinner making everything as uncomfortable as hell), we actually got to talking. We had some drinks at a bar after that. By this time, things were looking up. I don't know if it was because of the alcohol (it probably is), but I felt myself gradually feeling comfortable around him. We were talking more and laughing and from my point of view, I think we had fun. At the end of the night, he got me in a cab and asked for my number. I was pretty tipsy at this point and honestly I couldn't really think all too well. I know, I know, getting drunk on a first "date" is a no no but whatever. I gave him my number but I wasn't entirely sure if I gave him the right one so I told him to just check with my friends. He probably thinks I'm a party girl who can't handle her drinks but at the moment, all I could think of was that if I had accidentally given him the wrong number, he might think I did it on purpose because I'm not into him. I didn't wanna seem like a bitch so thats why I told him to just check with my friends. Pretty decent of me huh? Anyway, he texted a few minutes later to ask if I got home okay. I told him yeah, I was home and about to go to sleep. He said good night and thanked me for my time. He sounded so formal.
So now, I just got home from hanging out with T and the rest of the gang, who demanded details about the "date". They were so happy for me. To be honest, I'm happy for me too. It was a huge step for me. I was surprised to find that it really wasn't so bad. I actually had fun. I haven't heard from AR since that last text. He hasn't even added me on Facebook yet. I really don't know what to think and again, it's stressing me out. It's not that I'm really into him but I want him to be into me, you know? Does that makes sense? I just don't like being rejected. I wanna be the one doing the rejecting. Yeah, it sounds bad, I know.
I really have no idea how well or awful the "date" was for him and it's taking all of me to not ask my college friends if he has mentioned anything. I don't want them thinking that I like him, like him. Well, I don't dislike him or anything. He was okay to talk to, he seemed interested in the things I say. We got to talking about books and I was surprised to learn that he had never heard of The Great Gatsby. Of course, in all my infinite geekery, I totally gushed over the book and urged him to read it. I really appreciated the fact that he took the time to type down the title of the book and the author on his phone. Plus points for him. I also liked the fact that he was a complete gentleman all through out the night even when I was obviously drunk. Totally different from all the boys I used to know. So do I like him? The truth is I really don't know. But that doesn't stop me from over thinking and obsessing over the fact that I have not heard from him at all. I thinks it's probably because of the stupid three day rule. Fuck that. Whatever the reason is, the one thing I know for sure is that I definitely will not be adding him on Facebook or calling him first. Will I see him again? I don't know. We invited him to go see The Great Gatsby with us when it opens. I don't think I'm ready to be alone with him if it comes to that. I really hate this feeling. My head is a fucking mess and I can't think about anything else. Is it always like this? Ugh. I feel like such a newbie.
Whatever. I have no idea how this whole thing is going to play out but whatever happens, I don't regret deciding to go and meeting him. I've had too many what ifs already. I'm proud of myself for taking a step away from my comfort zone. It was a good experience and I should probably do this more often. Not date more often but you know, do things I'm afraid of doing. I'm almost twenty five and I think it's about time to step it up and really put myself out there, not just dating wise.
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Alone
Have you ever felt like you are alone? At one point or another, I'm sure everyone has. But really, have you ever felt like literally, you are all alone? I've mentioned many times before that my friends are all super busy with work/school/other friends, but I was okay. I still had my family. But these days, it seems like my family has no time for me either. My brother has a new job and a new girlfriend, my mother prefers to spend all of her weekends over my aunts house and sometimes it feels like she would rather spend her time with everyone else but me. My dad, well, he doesn't really live with us. So I am, quite literally, alone all the time. I'm the sort of person who values alone time, but even I have my limits. These days, I've taken to reading until my eyes hurt and I want to gouge them out just to distract myself from my aloneness. I've taken to posting every single thought I have on Twitter just because I literally don't have anyone to talk to. It weighs down on you after a while. I'm getting tired of adjusting my schedule, my life to accommodate everyone else and no one seems to be making any effort to accommodate me. It's just kind of sad realizing that you don't mean as much to people as they mean to you. I was going to take my family Christmas shopping today and they acted like it was an inconvenience to them. Like they were gonna be doing me a favor by going. For the past two years, I've taken my family Christmas shopping and I spend every hard earned dime I have on them. I don't even get myself anything for Christmas. Not even a pair of fucking socks. So yeah, it pisses me off that they don't even seen to appreciate that. Well, since they're all too fucking busy to spend some time with me, they can get their own presents. It's not like they give me anything anyway. They're making me hate the Holidays even more. A few more years like this and I'm gonna turn into Ebenezer freakin Scrooge.
Anyway, long story short, they had other plans and so here I am, home alone on a Saturday night while my brother is out with his girlfriend and my mother is with our other relatives for a reunion dinner thing which nobody bothered telling me about until the last minute because I couldn't possibly have any plans of my own or a life of my own, for that matter. This is exactly what I'm talking about. Everyone keeps expecting me to adjust to their schedule, their needs, or whatever as long as it's about them. Of course, because I'm a sad and bitter person, I said I wasn't going. Okay, I know I really didn't have plans or anything but what if I did? I'll tell you what. They're gonna make me cancel MY plans just to accommodate THEIR plans. It's like I don't even matter at all. Sometimes I wish I'd just disappear. That's how everyone makes me feel anyway. Like I'm invisible. I just really want to be noticed, to be appreciated. Is that too much to ask?
Anyway, long story short, they had other plans and so here I am, home alone on a Saturday night while my brother is out with his girlfriend and my mother is with our other relatives for a reunion dinner thing which nobody bothered telling me about until the last minute because I couldn't possibly have any plans of my own or a life of my own, for that matter. This is exactly what I'm talking about. Everyone keeps expecting me to adjust to their schedule, their needs, or whatever as long as it's about them. Of course, because I'm a sad and bitter person, I said I wasn't going. Okay, I know I really didn't have plans or anything but what if I did? I'll tell you what. They're gonna make me cancel MY plans just to accommodate THEIR plans. It's like I don't even matter at all. Sometimes I wish I'd just disappear. That's how everyone makes me feel anyway. Like I'm invisible. I just really want to be noticed, to be appreciated. Is that too much to ask?
Friday, September 28, 2012
Part of That World
College friends have been too busy with med week activities these past few days. It's times like these that make me wish I had gone to med school with them. I'm so jealous that they get to have all these new experiences, get to meet new friends and I'm not a part of all of it. I try to come to their events as much as I can. I try to hang out with them whenever I can. I want to be there. I want to be a part of their lives. I don't want to slowly slip away and be forgotten as they move on. To be honest, it's getting harder and harder for me to keep up with them. The conversations tend to get repetitive, sometimes forced even. I mean, I know they're trying to include me, but at this point, it's just so difficult seeing as their world now is so much different from mine. A lot of times, I don't even have a God damn clue what or who they are talking about. They always end up having to explain everything and it make me feel like I'm a stupid child or something. I get jealous every time I see photos of them having fun with new friends. I'm jealous because they still get to enjoy life as students while I work my ass off in a job I hate. I just want to experience all those things with them as well. I want to be part of that world. It just kind of sucks because right now I really feel like our friendship has a set expiration date. The distance between us is just gonna grow over time and before we know it, we are no longer even speaking to each other. It's especially hard for me because I don't really have many friends.
Part of their med week celebration is a pageant for Mr. and Ms. Med. ME was a contestant. I wanted to watch but I stopped myself. It's a school event and I didn't feel right about going. I didn't belong there. I heard from KE that he did quite well. For the talent portion, he sang and KE said he was amazing. According to her, all the girls in the crowd went wild. Why wouldn't they? I mean he is that good looking and he can sing? I later saw a video of his performance and I must say, the boy can really sing. The thought of all those girls wanting him for themselves kind of stung a little. I mean, a lot of girls probably want him and it kind of sucks knowing that you are just one of those girls who want to compete for even just a bit of attention. ME mentioned in a tweet that he loved the movie "Perks of Being A Wallflower" because he can relate to it, that he always felt like wallflower and nobody notices him. Was he kidding or what? There is no way that he doesn't get noticed. I made out with four guys in one night and he's the only one I remember. I introduced myself to him and God knows I've never ever nor will ever do that ever again with any other guy. I wonder if he really felt like that. The moment I read his tweet, all I could think about was how much I wanted to hold him and tell him that he is anything but a wallflower. That girls would willingly line up around the block for him. That he is special and anyone would be lucky to have him in their lives. I wanted to banish every negative thought he had about himself because in my eyes, he is perfect just the way he is.
By the way, before I forget, apparently he really is gay. JR's little's sister's boyfriend is ME's classmate and according to him, ME's not really secretive about it but he also doesn't go around telling people either. I kind of already suspected that but some things just don't add up. First of all, in my diligent stalking, I found out that he had at least one girlfriend in the past. Second, we made out. If he was gay, what the fuck was that all about? I'm still not sure what to make of the news. Yes, it does kind of make me feel a little stupid for obsessing over a guy who obviously will never be into me. Still, it really doesn't change how I think of him and how I feel about him. I don't even know why I'm stressing so much. I mean, it was just one night and I only talked to him for a few minutes. For all I know, he could be a total douchebag and we could have nothing in common. Plus, he is probably gay. Whatever. A girl can hope, can't she?
Part of their med week celebration is a pageant for Mr. and Ms. Med. ME was a contestant. I wanted to watch but I stopped myself. It's a school event and I didn't feel right about going. I didn't belong there. I heard from KE that he did quite well. For the talent portion, he sang and KE said he was amazing. According to her, all the girls in the crowd went wild. Why wouldn't they? I mean he is that good looking and he can sing? I later saw a video of his performance and I must say, the boy can really sing. The thought of all those girls wanting him for themselves kind of stung a little. I mean, a lot of girls probably want him and it kind of sucks knowing that you are just one of those girls who want to compete for even just a bit of attention. ME mentioned in a tweet that he loved the movie "Perks of Being A Wallflower" because he can relate to it, that he always felt like wallflower and nobody notices him. Was he kidding or what? There is no way that he doesn't get noticed. I made out with four guys in one night and he's the only one I remember. I introduced myself to him and God knows I've never ever nor will ever do that ever again with any other guy. I wonder if he really felt like that. The moment I read his tweet, all I could think about was how much I wanted to hold him and tell him that he is anything but a wallflower. That girls would willingly line up around the block for him. That he is special and anyone would be lucky to have him in their lives. I wanted to banish every negative thought he had about himself because in my eyes, he is perfect just the way he is.
By the way, before I forget, apparently he really is gay. JR's little's sister's boyfriend is ME's classmate and according to him, ME's not really secretive about it but he also doesn't go around telling people either. I kind of already suspected that but some things just don't add up. First of all, in my diligent stalking, I found out that he had at least one girlfriend in the past. Second, we made out. If he was gay, what the fuck was that all about? I'm still not sure what to make of the news. Yes, it does kind of make me feel a little stupid for obsessing over a guy who obviously will never be into me. Still, it really doesn't change how I think of him and how I feel about him. I don't even know why I'm stressing so much. I mean, it was just one night and I only talked to him for a few minutes. For all I know, he could be a total douchebag and we could have nothing in common. Plus, he is probably gay. Whatever. A girl can hope, can't she?
Monday, September 24, 2012
It's Magic When Two People...
Forgive the cheesy title. That line from the song "Got To Believe In Magic" just got me thinking. How does two people fall in love? I mean, like it says in the song, "Tell me how two people find each other, in a world that's full of strangers?". Falling in love has always been somewhat of an alien concept to me. I don't think I've ever been in love and nobody has fallen in love with me. How does two people find each other? I'm not even talking about finding someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, just someone you can have a relationship with. I guess it's easy enough to find someone to fall in love with. The hard part, I think, is finding someone you love, who will love you back. I mean, out of all the people around you, all the people you encounter every day, how do you find that person who will love you like you love them? This is strictly speaking from experience because all of the relationships I've had so far are either one sided, or imaginary. How do you get the person you love to love you back? Life would be a lot easier if there was a surefire way to make that happen.
The reason I'm wondering about this is because two of my close college friends are in a sort of unrequited love situation. One of them, RO started a friends with benefits type arrangement with an acquaintance but she ended up wanting more and the guy seems like he really doesn't want to commit. KE on the other hand, is in a totally opposite situation. She and this guy had known each other for some time, they talk regularly, they hang out with common friends and KE ended up really liking him. According to their mutual friends, the guy likes KE as well. The problem is, the guy himself has not said anything to either confirm or deny it. They still hang out occasionally but seeing as the guy has not said or done anything to progress things between them, KE is taking it a sign that he's not into her. These two very different but also very similar situations has been a cause for much drama lately. I want to help them but the hell can I do?
I guess I'm also in that kind of situation. I know I have no chance in hell with ME, but a girl can hope. RO asked me a couple of days ago if I really liked ME. The truth is I'm not entirely sure either. I just want so much for him to want me. I want someone to want me. Is that really so unreasonable? Is that too much to ask? I'm so tired of one sided attractions. I keep thinking to myself that all this waiting must be for some really good reason. There must be someone out there for me. I want to know how it feels like to be in love and to be loved back. The way things are going right now, it looks like I have a better chance of winning the lottery than finding love. Why is love so hard to find? Maybe I'm not looking hard enough, if at all. Sometimes I think it really is magic when two people fall in love.
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