I Don't Even Know Anymore

I haven't heard from AR in almost 2 months. I guess it's safe to say that whatever I thought we had is over. I never saw him again after my birthday. We texted for about two weeks after that, tried making plans to see each other, but neither us really made any concrete effort to see each other. After a while, I guess he got bored or busy or whatever. The texts stopped and we never spoke again. It kind of sucked at first, you know? Cause I really thought it could work. He was a great guy and everything and I thought I really could like him. After giving it a lot of thought, I have realized that no, I didn't really like him all that much at all. I just liked the idea of him, what he represented, and how he made me feel. Not he, himself as a person. I've said it before and I'll say it again, he's a great guy, but I guess there was just no chemistry between us. Or at least not enough. I liked him enough, but if I did end up with him, I would always feel like I settled. I don't want "enough". I want the whole she-bang. I want the whole "can't live without you" sort of love that will make me lose all logic and cause me to act ridiculous and stupid. I want the kind of love that will the stuff that movies are made of. I want the Disney happily ever after ending. I know it sounds unrealistic, especially in this day and age. But hey, a girl can hope.

Life hasn't been going great these past few months. I can't explain it. It's like all these little things have piled up over time and now I am overwhelmed by all of it. Nothing has been going right for me. I feel like I am failing at every aspect of my life. I hate my soul crushing, dead end job. I'm having financial problems, an existential crisis, and then there is this thing with my friends.

Last month, my college friends and I had a little get together for KE's birthday. All through the night, they kept making fun of me for the whole Shift fiasco last year. I told them I didn't wanna talk about that ever again but they kept going. Basically they made fun of me all night and made me feel like a total slut. Like, I know I totally messed up that night, but they didn't really have to rub it in my face every chance they got. I feel bad enough about it already without them reminding me every single time we see each other. I know they think I'm a slut. I mean, I can accept that from other people but it really hurts when you find out what your friends really think of you. I cried in the cab all the way home. I deactivated my Facebook account and avoided them. I didn't reply to any text messages and I didn't answer any of their phone calls. They probably figured out that I was upset but still, I haven't gotten any apology. It's been more than a month and I'm still sort of avoiding them. I keep making up excuses when they invite me to hang out. I just don't feel like seeing them. The things they said really did a number on me, especially when one of them said that he wanted to set me up with one his friends but that friend had high standards. It just hit me hard, for some reason. Why wasn't I enough? I'm smart, I'm funny, I'm not at all terrible looking, and I am a good person. Why isn't that enough? Does the fact that I will always be a little bit slutty offset all the other good things about me? I have been contemplating if I should try to change myself so that people take me more seriously and guys start seeing me as girlfriend material. Should I really change myself for other people? Do I value their opinions that much? I still don't really know the answer to those questions. Like I said, I'm having a major existential and quarter life crisis over here. I don't know what to do with my life and myself. I wish I were as well adjusted as everyone else. People always say that they wish they were "special", "different" or whatever.  Well, I wish I was just like everyone else.

Part of That World

College friends have been too busy with med week activities these past few days. It's times like these that make me wish I had gone to med school with them. I'm so jealous that they get to have all these new experiences, get to meet new friends and I'm not a part of all of it. I try to come to their events as much as I can. I try to hang out with them whenever I can. I want to be there. I want to be a part of their lives. I don't want to slowly slip away and be forgotten as they move on. To be honest, it's getting harder and harder for me to keep up with them. The conversations tend to get repetitive, sometimes forced even.  I mean, I know they're trying to include me, but at this point, it's just so difficult seeing as their world now is so much different from mine. A lot of times, I don't even have a God damn clue what or who they are talking about. They always end up having to explain everything and it make me feel like I'm a stupid child or something. I get jealous every time I see photos of them having fun with new friends. I'm jealous because they still get to enjoy life as students while I work my ass off in a job I hate. I just want to experience all those things with them as well. I want to be part of that world. It just kind of sucks because right now I really feel like our friendship has a set expiration date. The distance between us is just gonna grow over time and before we know it, we are no longer even speaking to each other. It's especially hard for me because I don't really have many friends.

Part of their med week celebration is a pageant for Mr. and Ms. Med. ME was a contestant. I wanted to watch but I stopped myself. It's a school event and I didn't feel right about going. I didn't belong there. I heard from KE that he did quite well. For the talent portion, he sang and KE said he was amazing. According to her, all the girls in the crowd went wild. Why wouldn't they? I mean he is that good looking and he can sing? I later saw a video of his performance and I must say, the boy can really sing. The thought of all those girls wanting him for themselves kind of stung a little. I mean, a lot of girls probably want him and it kind of sucks knowing that you are just one of those girls who want to compete for even just a bit of attention. ME mentioned in a tweet that he loved the movie "Perks of Being A Wallflower" because he can relate to it, that he always felt like wallflower and nobody notices him. Was he kidding or what? There is no way that he doesn't get noticed. I made out with four guys in one night and he's the only one I remember. I introduced myself to him and God knows I've never ever nor will ever do that ever again with any other guy. I wonder if he really felt like that. The moment I read his tweet, all I could think about was how much I wanted to hold him and tell him that he is anything but a wallflower. That girls would willingly line up around the block for him. That he is special and anyone would be lucky to have him in their lives. I wanted to banish every negative thought he had about himself because in my eyes, he is perfect just the way he is.

By the way, before I forget, apparently he really is gay. JR's little's sister's boyfriend is ME's classmate and according to him, ME's not really secretive about it but he also doesn't go around telling people either. I kind of already suspected that but some things just don't add up. First of all, in my diligent stalking, I found out that he had at least one girlfriend in the past. Second, we made out. If he was gay, what the fuck was that all about? I'm still not sure what to make of the news. Yes, it does kind of make me feel a little stupid for obsessing over a guy who obviously will never be into me. Still, it really doesn't change how I think of him and how I feel about him. I don't even know why I'm stressing so much. I mean, it was just one night and I only talked to him for a few minutes. For all I know, he could be a total douchebag and we could have nothing in common. Plus, he is probably gay. Whatever. A girl can hope, can't she?

Another Year Older...

And I don't feel any wiser. It's two hours past my 24th birthday and I literally slept through the whole day. I'm a whole year older but I don't really feel any different. Things have been relatively good. And by that, I mean I haven't had any bouts of depression recently. I've been seeing my college and high school friends a lot in the past months and things with them are pretty much the same. I've been busy with a couple of things. Nonsensical things, but things nonetheless. I've read four books this past month, books whose titles I won't mention because you will judge me for even reading them at all. Sometimes I wish I could just escape into the world of the books I read. Somewhere where I play the lead and not a spectator in my own life. Somewhere where exciting and fantastical things happen to me on a regular basis. There is nothing worse than waking up one more morning and realizing that this is it, this your life. You're stuck working until you're sixty, your days are going to be filled with mindless chitchat and you'll go about your life just going through the motions. Nothing unbelievably exciting is probably going to happen and at the end of it all, you will die. The world will go on without you and you will not have had any effect on the world whatsoever. I know, it's kind of a morbid thought especially one's birthday. It's just a thought. Like I said, everything's been good lately.


Lover Boy is no longer with his girl. She left him. For another girl. Karma is a real bitch sometimes. He got his, and I'm still waiting for mine.  I feel a little hurt that he didn't even greet me a happy birthday. He probably doesn't even know it was my birthday which makes me feel bad because I always remember his. I haven't talked to him in months. I deleted his number from my phone. For real this time. I don't have any reason to talk to him anymore. I feel like that part of my life is over. I can't give him what he wants and he can't give me what I want. That's that, I guess. I'm still open to the possibility of us being friends but honestly, with our very long and complicated history, I doubt that's even possible. There are times when I miss him, when I am tempted to contact him and it takes all of my will to stop myself. This is the way it has to be. This is the best possible way things could finally end between us. For some reason, I feel relieved that he's no longer in my life. This has been the best decision I made all year. Maybe one year older did make me a little wiser.

Youth Is Wasted On The Young (aka Me)

As I may or may not have mentioned before, I pretty much spend all my free time (and I have a lot) at home, watching movies or TV shows. This has always been something I enjoyed but recently, I found myself starting to feel like I am wasting my life. I'm in my 20's, I'm single and I have a pretty well paying job. I should be out there partying, meeting new people and doing thing I was too young to do in my teens and would be too old to do in my 30's. This should be the time to explore new things, have adventures, and just go crazy. I want to do all of those things but the problem is, I have no one to do them with.  I want to dress up, go out partying and hopefully meet guys but that's not easy when your friends from high school are all in committed relationships and their idea of fun is chilling at home or going out with their guys. On the other hand, my friends from college are busy with med school and when they're not, they have their med school friends to do all those things with. That leaves just me, alone, with no one to do anything with.

Sometimes I wish I had more friends. Sometimes I wish the friends I do have, were up to doing crazy things. I want excitement in my life. I mean I do enjoy our usual videoke nights but it gets pretty tiring after several years. Can't we do something different every once in a while? Like go to a club or something? It's kind of embarrassing to admit especially at my age, but I've never gone clubbing with my friends. For many years I've told myself that it just wasn't our thing but lately I realized that yes, I do like dancing in the crowd, I do like dressing up and being ogled at by total strangers, and I do like being hit on by guys even though I would never  admit it.

I love my friends to bits. I just wish we actually did "stuff" together. Crazy stupid stuff. Stuff that we'd probably regret right after doing them. Stuff that when we are old, we can look back on, smile and say "Yeah, I was awesome back then.".

It kind of really sucks to sit at home every Friday or Saturday night. It feels like the whole world is having a huge party and you're not invited.

Some Things Old and Some Things New

T and I met up with our other friend, M, a few days back. We were pretty close back in high school but we lost touch after we graduated. I can't even remember the last time I saw M before the other night. She introduced us to her boyfriend who apparently she has been together with for many years now. We had no idea. M is a licensed nurse who works part time at Hooters. Back in high school, M was pretty much "Little Miss Perfect". Good grades, nice to everyone, comes from a conservative family, you know the type.  When T and I first found out that M was working at Hooters, we were shocked, to say the least. I admit, we even made some pretty snide comments about it.

Like I said, we hadn't seen M in forever and I thought that hanging out with her again would be a bit awkward. I was wrong. It was surprising to see that after all those years of not so much as a Hi or Hello, things were still the same. M had changed considerably since high school. She's not as stuck up and as big of a prude as she was before. I know it sounds kind of mean, but it's a compliment. She dresses sexier, she's more confident and now she can openly talk about things, that six years ago, she could not not even say out loud. She had changed but somehow, things between us were still the same. We still laugh at the same jokes, we still finish each others' sentences and everything was just like it was back when we were in high school. It's as if those six years of not talking or seeing each other didn't even happen.

M told us the story of how she and her boyfriend met. It was a really cute story and the boyfriend was a pretty great guy, in my opinion. I don't say this very often about couples, but I am genuinely happy for M and her boyfriend. She also told us that the Hooters gig was actually her second job. Turns out, her dad is sick and can't work anymore, while her mom lost her job. M works two jobs to support her family. She told us that she no longer sees any of her other friends and she felt alone and disconnected from everyone else. She told us that the only who was there for her was her boyfriend. It made me feel terrible for all the bad things I said about her working at Hooters. I felt terrible about judging her when I didn't even know what was going on in her life. Most of all, I felt terrible that I wasn't there for her. I wanted to hug her bf and tell him thank you, a million times, for being there for M when us, her friends, weren't.

I watched M and her bf all through the night with a sense of fascination as they told us their stories about each other. They said that they fight a lot but they work through it and it was strange to hear them actually owning up to their mistakes in the relationship. They make fun of each other, they joke around together and aside from being boyfriend/girlfriend, they seemed to be each other's best friend as well. They seem like they knew each other, like really knew each other, down to their deepest, darkest secrets, down to their hopes and biggest fears. I must admit, I was definitely a little jealous. I can't even imagine having that kind of relationship with anyone. I don't think I can handle another person knowing the most intimate details of my life. T and I are pretty close but there are still parts of my life, of myself, that I am not willing to share with her. I feel like there should always be a necessary amount of distance between myself and every one else in my life. This is the reason why sometimes I think I'm really better off alone. M's boyfriend, on the other hand, said that the reason I'm alone is probably because I want to be alone and it's purely by choice. I never really understand why people keep telling me that my singleness is by choice. Okay, it is by choice but only because I have no other choice. It's not like guys are lining up around the corner for me.

T mentioned that she was delayed. Almost two months delayed. She said she already took a test and it was negative but she wasn't ruling out the possibility. I wasn't sure whether I should congratulate her or not so I asked her. She told us that if it was up to her, she wouldn't want a baby yet but if she was pregnant, so be it. I asked her if her boyfriend knew. She said yes and she showed me his text message. It was reassuring to know that he is supportive and that he will be there for T whatever happens. I can't say I approve of the whole thing but that's largely due to selfish reasons. If T has a baby, everything will change and nothing will ever be the same. I keep thinking of all the things we couldn't do, all of the adventures we couldn't have if she has a baby. I don't want her to have a baby. Just trying to imagine it makes me cringe. T having a baby would be the nail in the coffin of our youth. It will once and for all set into stone the fact that we were actual adults. A fact that I'm still clearly in denial of. But of course I didn't tell her that, and no matter what happens, baby or  no baby, I will always be there for T.

After a few drinks, I did the unforgivable. I texted Lover Boy. Technically, I sent him a blank text message. He asked me where I was and before I could do anything even more stupid, I asked T to keep my phone and not to give it to me for any reason at all. I hate the fact that I was the first one to break the silence. I blame it on the alcohol. M had no idea about what has been going on between Lover Boy and me so we filled her in. Six years ago, I could never tell her any of it but now, I could go into every little detail. EVERY LITTLE DETAIL. She took it better than I expected and mad props to her boyfriend for not making me feel uncomfortable about any of it. M asked me if I had feelings for Lover Boy. My answer was an obvious fuck no. Her bf said that I probably do, or else I wouldn't stick around for as long as I have. Do I have feelings for Lover Boy? I considered the thought, but then I stopped because maybe I wouldn't like the answer. Even if I did have feelings for him, it's not like there's anything I could do about it. That night ended with me feeling victorious over the fact that he was the last to text this time and not me. Small victory, I know, but victory none the less.

He texted me earlier asking if I had work today. I told him I didn't but I was going to go see a movie with my brother. He said he had to pick up his boss from the airport but maybe we could see each other after. He didn't say it quite like that of course. His version was a bit more R13. Still, I told him okay. Because I'm stupid. About three hours ago, I asked him if he wanted to go to this place near where I live to get a drink or something. He wasn't familiar with the place so he asked me where it was. I told him and he didn't text back. After a while, it occurred to me that the place wasn't just near my house, it was also near his girlfriend's house and a lot of people we knew frequent the place. He probably didn't want to be seen with me. I will always be just his dirty little secret and you know what? I'm done and I couldn't care any less.

The Only Thing Constant

I'm not a big fan of change. I like routines. There's something comforting in having things always stay the same. I wish everything could just stay the same way forever. I feel so disconnected with every one and everything in my life. I don't work five days a week like most people and I usually have a lot of free time. The problem is, I have no one to spend all that free time with. Most of the time, I stay in bed all day. I read, I watch movies and I try to entertain myself. Sometimes I wonder if this is really all there is to life. Sometimes I don't even feel like I'm alive at all. I am neither happy nor sad. I feel like an empty shell.

My friends from college are all busy in med school, my high school friends are busy starting  their careers and I barely spend any time with my family. Every one is busy starting different lives without me in it. Every one is busy living and I wonder, when will my life begin?

Everything and every one has changed so much in the past couple years. I'm still the same. Sometimes I wonder if that's a bad thing. It feels like the whole world is moving on without me. Like I'm stuck in place, watching everything pass me by. Watching every one move forward while I get left behind.

My friends will have careers, their own families and I won't have a place in their lives.