I don't even know how to begin. In my last post, I mentioned that AR and I are no longer speaking. Nothing was really happening so at the time, I decided it would be best to just let things die down naturally. I stopped replying to his texts and Facebook messages. About a week ago, I received a message from one of our common friends telling me that she ran into AR and they got to talking about me. He told her that I was no longer replying to him and when I did, it was usually two days after. At first I was kind of angry because for the first few weeks after we met, he was the one who was constantly leaving our conversations hanging. I only started to ignore him because I was getting tired of replying to him and not getting a response back. After a while, I felt kind of guilty about the whole thing. I thought about texting him but I kept finding reasons not to. I thought that was that. I was so wrong.
I turned twenty five last Friday. To celebrate, I booked a small table at a club (same one mentioned in previous post) and invited T, I, and some friends from college. Some of my college friends had an event to go to that same night so were supposed to come by a little later. Imagine my surprise when, in the middle of getting my drunk on, AR showed up with my friends. I totally freaked out. I immediately put my drink down and stubbed the cig I was smoking. I said a quick hi, grabbed T and hauled ass to the nearest restroom. It took forever before I finally managed to calm down and go back outside. Through the night, I kept making excuses to leave every once in a while. Like I said, I was absolutely freaking out. I mean, I thought I would never ever see the guy again and then there he was. I kept receiving text messages from my friends telling me to come back, to talk to him or whatever. And being the idiot that I am, I decided that the best way to deal with the situation is to get drunk of my ass. I know, I'm a fucking genius. I downed tequila shots like there was no tomorrow. After a while, I was already slightly buzzed and I got more comfortable. We got to talking. We addressed the fact that both us were terrible at replying to text messages. I told him he was too busy and then he said he'll find a way around his schedule somehow. He said to be at the hospital at 7am the next day but it was worth not getting any sleep because he got to see me. He also told me I was beautiful. I almost died. No guy has ever said that to me before.
A few more drinks later, we were dancing with each other. It was nothing like with that guy I mentioned in my previous post (lets just cal him CE). AR kept his hands to himself and he was a real gentleman even though I was basically throwing myself at him. A few more drinks later, I ended up with my arms around his neck and my face buried in his chest. His hands were on my waist and he kept them there even though I was secretly wishing he'd touch me in inappropriate places. I told him that he was such a gentleman and that most guys would have easily taken advantage of the situation. He said something like girls should be respected or something to that effect. I don't remember exactly the things he said but I remember how it made me feel. I swooned. Like I literally could not help but grin like a fucking idiot. We stayed like that for a while, with our arms around each other and then he told me to look at him. I looked up at him and then he kissed me. It was weird. I didn't feel the way I usually feel when I kissed guys. It's hard to explain. When I kissed Lover Boy or CE, it was full of sexual energy. I mean, I wanted to get it on with them. With AR, it was just kinda nice. I just wanted to be in his arms and not do anything but just stay there like that with him. Like I said, it's kind of weird. Is that a bad thing? That I don't picture myself having sex with him when I kiss him?
Anyway, at around 4am, my friends were looking pretty bored so we decided to call it a night. I went home with T and I and he went home with my other friends. We've been texting again since last Saturday and last night, he told me that his grandmother is in her deathbed and that they were really close. I really didn't know what to say. I felt so bad for him and all I wanted to do was go over to where he is and give him a hug. He also told me that he wanted to see me again so we could get to know each other more. I told him I was looking forward to seeing him again, and I actually meant it. He asked me what my favorite flowers were and of course, being me, I didn't have a favorite flower. I told him I loved tulips or any flower as long as they're not roses because roses are so cliche. He said tulips are kind of expensive but it's worth it when the person you are giving it to means a lot to you. I almost screamed.
In the last few days, I've noticed that there was something different in our interactions now. Something had changed. I mean, when I talked to him back then, before Friday I mean, it was all very formal. Small talk. Now we can actually joke around each other and even flirt a little. Things had definitely shifted. I'm not sure if that's a good thing. Back then I wanted him to see me as a "good girl" so I kept from being flirty and forward. I was always second guessing the things I say to him. But now, after what happened, I feel more comfortable being myself around him. I mean, he'd already seen me wasted as fuck so what else do I have to hide, right? I just hope that what happened doesn't change his opinion of me. I don't want him to see me as just some easy party girl because I think I might actually really like him. I don't know. The way I feel about him right now is starting to freak me out. He's a great guy and all my friends like him. They're even threatening me with bodily harm if I screw things up. Which I probably will. I don't know. There are moments when I wish I could just go back to not caring about him and just flirting with random guys I meet. I want to go back to just having fun, no emotions involved. T said it was time to give that shit up. That I should try being serious with someone for a change. She's probably right but the thought of it scares the shit out of me. It's kind of scary because I think this could be it. Not it, but you know. He seems like he is boyfriend material. I don't know. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.
Showing posts with label Drunken Shenanigans. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Drunken Shenanigans. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
You Only Live Once
Updates! AR and I are no longer in contact with each other. He invited me to a movie but we didn't really push through with it. We texted each other for a while but our conversations never really went anywhere and eventually I guess we both just stopped trying. It really wasn't meant to be. He was nice enough but there just wasn't any chemistry between us. It doesn't really matter that much to me anyway. Like I said, whatever happens, I will always be glad that I decided to go on that "date".
Anyway, another big news is that R has left to go work in Singapore. I still can't believe she's gone. We had a little send off party for her the other week. We got all dressed up and went out for drinks. We've all been friends for more than a decade but that was the first time we went out to an actual club. I'm usually not a huge fan of loud and crowded places but I seriously had a blast. My legs hurt from standing around and dancing all night and my credit card definitely felt the damage as well. I'm almost twenty five and I just now realized that I actually like going out dancing. T felt the same. We were both feeling pretty stressed about work and we needed to unwind. And for that reason, the very next week, (last Friday), we found ourselves yet again at the same club. R has left for Singapore a couple of days before so it was just M,I, T and me. We danced, we drank, and got approached by some guys.It was great. I and M had work the next day so they had to leave at around 1am. Me and T were still having a good time so we decided to stay. A few minutes later, two guys approached us. I wasn't really interested at first because I just wanted to have a good time with T, but because the guy I was talking to was pretty hot (and because of the obscene amount of alcohol I had in my system), I thought "Why the hell not?". We started dancing, innocently enough at first but then we ended up grinding up on each other. A few minutes later, his hands were all over me and my hands were all over him and there was kissing involved. I found out a little later that he had a girlfriend. They've been together for six years. I thought about giving him the boot right then and there but I didn't. At that point I don't think I would have cared if he was married. He tried getting me to go with him to the men's room but I was stopped by a bouncer posted at the door. We continued flirting right at the bar and he was asking me to go home with him. I told him it wasn't happening. All this was going on while T was busy with her guy. They were majorly flirting and making out. Did I mention that T has a boyfriend? Well, she does. And I reminded her of this fact quite a number of times. They've been having problems recently and at that moment, I guess she just wanted to forget about him for a while. Things were heating up and before I knew it, me and the guy were totally all over each other. His hands were on my ass, breasts, you name it. And mine were on his crotch. He asked me to put my hand inside his pants but the bouncer behind him was giving me the stink eye so I decided against it. After a while, he and his friend whispered to each other and he grabbed my hand and said "Let's go."
At this point, I was pretty drunk so I just took his hand and he led me out of the club. I asked T where we were going and she told me we were going back to their place. I told her that no, we weren't. We were going home. She was pretty set on going home with the guy and I couldn't very well leave her, so against my better judgement, I went too. Their place was pretty far and by the time we got there, my guy was already half asleep. I was honestly scared as shit. I had never gone home with a stranger before and as you probably know by now, I've never had sex so I was extremely nervous. I didn't want my first time to be a one night stand with a complete stranger. However hot said stranger may be.
We got to the bedroom, and as soon as he got on the bed, he fucking fell asleep. Can you believe it? It's kind of really funny and infuriating at the same time. A part of me is totally bummed that he flirted with me all night, got me to go home with him and then he falls asleep. But a bigger part of me is relieved that nothing happened between us. Had he not fallen asleep, I don't think I could have said no to him. He lied down and pulled me to him and we both fell asleep. Okay, I didn't really sleep at all. I just lay there tossing and turning. As much as it felt good to be sleeping next to a really hot guy, I just couldn't get comfortable because said hot guy was still a complete stranger and I still had no idea where I was. Add to that the fact that T and her guy were having sex and they were so fucking loud.
After I don't know how long, they finished and T "woke me up" so we could go. Her guy walked us out and got us on a cab. My guy didn't even wake up. It was like he was in a freakin coma or something. The cab ride home took forever. And it cost us a fortune. Up to now, I still have no idea where we ended up. T's boyfriend kept calling all through the cab ride home. It was awkward. We got home a little past 7am.
She later told me that she had sex with the guy twice and they didn't use protection. Being the responsible friend that I was, I looked up morning after pills and made her go to the drug store to buy some. She was really nervous and I was nervous for her. And then there was the issue of whether or not she should tell her boyfriend. I told her not to. Because what good would come of it, right? Her boyfriend didn't take her calls all day. She was convinced that he knew but I told her not to say anything. They met up the next day and they're totally fine now. T said that her boyfriend was really making an effort. She had considered breaking up with him but now she's having second thoughts. I asked her if she plans on contacting the other guy again. She said no. Not unless she gets pregnant, which I hope to God doesn't happen. I, on the other hand, am desperate to see my guy again which would be difficult because I didn't get his number. Or his last name.
We talked a great deal about the incident and just how stupid we were, going home with two complete strangers. We were lucky that nothing happened and we didn't end up murdered and dumped in a ditch somewhere. Despite everything, T and I agreed that we still had a pretty good time. No regrets. Would we be going out again? Probably not anytime soon. And probably not just the two of us. We tend to get in trouble when it's just the two of us. The problem is, I can't seem to wanna stop going out and meeting guys. I don't know what's happening to me. Maybe it's a quarter life crisis thing, or whatever. I feel like I only have a limited amount of time to get all of this out of my system. I feel like I'm running out of time. Does that make sense? Anyway, we both agreed to lay low for a while.
It's officially one month before my twenty fifth birthday and I plan on celebrating it at that very same club with my friends. I can not wait to go out, get drunk, and get picked up by guys again. I know that's terrible, but as they say, YOLO.
Anyway, another big news is that R has left to go work in Singapore. I still can't believe she's gone. We had a little send off party for her the other week. We got all dressed up and went out for drinks. We've all been friends for more than a decade but that was the first time we went out to an actual club. I'm usually not a huge fan of loud and crowded places but I seriously had a blast. My legs hurt from standing around and dancing all night and my credit card definitely felt the damage as well. I'm almost twenty five and I just now realized that I actually like going out dancing. T felt the same. We were both feeling pretty stressed about work and we needed to unwind. And for that reason, the very next week, (last Friday), we found ourselves yet again at the same club. R has left for Singapore a couple of days before so it was just M,I, T and me. We danced, we drank, and got approached by some guys.It was great. I and M had work the next day so they had to leave at around 1am. Me and T were still having a good time so we decided to stay. A few minutes later, two guys approached us. I wasn't really interested at first because I just wanted to have a good time with T, but because the guy I was talking to was pretty hot (and because of the obscene amount of alcohol I had in my system), I thought "Why the hell not?". We started dancing, innocently enough at first but then we ended up grinding up on each other. A few minutes later, his hands were all over me and my hands were all over him and there was kissing involved. I found out a little later that he had a girlfriend. They've been together for six years. I thought about giving him the boot right then and there but I didn't. At that point I don't think I would have cared if he was married. He tried getting me to go with him to the men's room but I was stopped by a bouncer posted at the door. We continued flirting right at the bar and he was asking me to go home with him. I told him it wasn't happening. All this was going on while T was busy with her guy. They were majorly flirting and making out. Did I mention that T has a boyfriend? Well, she does. And I reminded her of this fact quite a number of times. They've been having problems recently and at that moment, I guess she just wanted to forget about him for a while. Things were heating up and before I knew it, me and the guy were totally all over each other. His hands were on my ass, breasts, you name it. And mine were on his crotch. He asked me to put my hand inside his pants but the bouncer behind him was giving me the stink eye so I decided against it. After a while, he and his friend whispered to each other and he grabbed my hand and said "Let's go."
At this point, I was pretty drunk so I just took his hand and he led me out of the club. I asked T where we were going and she told me we were going back to their place. I told her that no, we weren't. We were going home. She was pretty set on going home with the guy and I couldn't very well leave her, so against my better judgement, I went too. Their place was pretty far and by the time we got there, my guy was already half asleep. I was honestly scared as shit. I had never gone home with a stranger before and as you probably know by now, I've never had sex so I was extremely nervous. I didn't want my first time to be a one night stand with a complete stranger. However hot said stranger may be.
We got to the bedroom, and as soon as he got on the bed, he fucking fell asleep. Can you believe it? It's kind of really funny and infuriating at the same time. A part of me is totally bummed that he flirted with me all night, got me to go home with him and then he falls asleep. But a bigger part of me is relieved that nothing happened between us. Had he not fallen asleep, I don't think I could have said no to him. He lied down and pulled me to him and we both fell asleep. Okay, I didn't really sleep at all. I just lay there tossing and turning. As much as it felt good to be sleeping next to a really hot guy, I just couldn't get comfortable because said hot guy was still a complete stranger and I still had no idea where I was. Add to that the fact that T and her guy were having sex and they were so fucking loud.
After I don't know how long, they finished and T "woke me up" so we could go. Her guy walked us out and got us on a cab. My guy didn't even wake up. It was like he was in a freakin coma or something. The cab ride home took forever. And it cost us a fortune. Up to now, I still have no idea where we ended up. T's boyfriend kept calling all through the cab ride home. It was awkward. We got home a little past 7am.
She later told me that she had sex with the guy twice and they didn't use protection. Being the responsible friend that I was, I looked up morning after pills and made her go to the drug store to buy some. She was really nervous and I was nervous for her. And then there was the issue of whether or not she should tell her boyfriend. I told her not to. Because what good would come of it, right? Her boyfriend didn't take her calls all day. She was convinced that he knew but I told her not to say anything. They met up the next day and they're totally fine now. T said that her boyfriend was really making an effort. She had considered breaking up with him but now she's having second thoughts. I asked her if she plans on contacting the other guy again. She said no. Not unless she gets pregnant, which I hope to God doesn't happen. I, on the other hand, am desperate to see my guy again which would be difficult because I didn't get his number. Or his last name.
We talked a great deal about the incident and just how stupid we were, going home with two complete strangers. We were lucky that nothing happened and we didn't end up murdered and dumped in a ditch somewhere. Despite everything, T and I agreed that we still had a pretty good time. No regrets. Would we be going out again? Probably not anytime soon. And probably not just the two of us. We tend to get in trouble when it's just the two of us. The problem is, I can't seem to wanna stop going out and meeting guys. I don't know what's happening to me. Maybe it's a quarter life crisis thing, or whatever. I feel like I only have a limited amount of time to get all of this out of my system. I feel like I'm running out of time. Does that make sense? Anyway, we both agreed to lay low for a while.
It's officially one month before my twenty fifth birthday and I plan on celebrating it at that very same club with my friends. I can not wait to go out, get drunk, and get picked up by guys again. I know that's terrible, but as they say, YOLO.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Last Month
I've been seeing my college friends a lot these days. One of the fraternities at their school hosted a party last month and I ended up going with KE, RO, MDC and some other college friends. It was at this hip club and I usually don't like going to places like that but I thought "Hey, what the heck, the people who are gonna be there are mostly former schoolmates. At least there wouldn't be any creepers." Anyway, I ended up getting drunk. Drunk as in I barely remember what happened that night. I woke up at GG's place near her college with a massive headache and bruises on both my knees. Some images were coming up in my mind but I couldn't be sure if those things really happened or if I dreamed or imagined it. We met up with RO for lunch and the three of us, barely remembering how we even got home, tried to piece together the events of last night. I remembered I had a camera on my purse and when I saw the photos on it, I could not fucking believe what I saw. I was so wasted. There were photos of me with this one guy. Some were innocent enough. Us talking and whatever. And then there were some where I was sitting on his lap and, my arms were all around him and his arms were around me. How the fuck did this happen? Was all I could think about.
I got home around four that afternoon. I opened my Facebook page and it was filled with notifications. Wall posts saying things like "Oooh I heard you were a wild one." and "Best night ever last night?". At that point, I was starting to panic. What the fuck did I do last night? After hearing the stories from some of my friends who didn't get a case of amnesia that night, I figured the more appropriate question was What didn't I do?
Apparently, I was sitting next to an acquaintance, CK when I noticed the guy from the photo sitting next to her. According to CK, I told her that I thought the guy was hot. Then she, being slightly buzzed herself, introduced us. I started to remember parts of what happened after that. He told me his name, where he was from and how old he was. I remembered saying that he was too young. I remembered him saying he was going to the bathroom. That was it. As I heard stories from other friends, more and more things started to make sense. As it turned out, the images in my head from that morning were neither dreamed or imagined. They actually happened. I did end up making out with that guy (ME), I did fall down my seat at the club, I did cry in LT's car and I did fall over while going up the stairs at GG's place, hence the bruises. But it gets worse. And this part, up to now, I still don't remember. The last thing I remember that happened in the club was ME saying he had to go to the bathroom. That was after I sat on his lap and had a make out session with him. That was it. That's all I remembered. I thought we went home after that. But no, apparently, after he left I ended up making out with another guy. Then another. Then another. What the fuck is wrong with me? Guy #2 and Guy#3 are ME's classmates. What a douche move on my part. At that point, DP, one my friends who were smart enough to not get wasted that night, decided it was time to go. She and LT took RO and GG to the car and left me on the couch. When they came back, I was with guy #4. According to DP, I didn't want to leave even then. She had to get another one of our guy friends to help her drag me to the car. I don't remember any of it. Not even a little. I basically made a complete fool of myself that night. Thank God I don't go to their school.
That night was all we talked about for the next few days. Just as I thought, my friends would never let me live it down. One of our friends, JR, mentioned that he thought ME was actually my date that night because we didn't look like we just met. I looked at the photos again and again and he was right. We looked good together. We looked comfortable with each other. But then again, this may be due to the fact that I was pretty drunk. Otherwise I don't think I'd be comfortable talking to someone as good looking as ME. Oh I guess I forgot to mention that. ME is extremely good looking. All of my friends agree and they've never agreed with me about who I think is hot before. KE and him had some common friends so I wasn't that hard to track him down on Facebook. I went through his profile and well, I was kind of turned off. Yes, he was really, incredibly good looking but personality wise, I don't think we'd click. He seemed like a nice guy and all, but he also seemed like the kind of guy who knows that he's hot and he's totally owning it. I'm really not into that type of guy. Also, for someone reason, he came off as totally gay. This was later confirmed by DP who asked one of ME's friends. But still, I couldn't stop thinking about him. How could he be gay? So in a totally stupid and bordering on desperate move, I messaged him. I said I was sorry if I acted inappropriately that night blah blah blah. I waited and waited. No reply. I took it as a sign. Maybe he was also too drunk that night and he didn't even remember who I was. Maybe to him I was just that drunk girl he made out with that one time. Maybe it meant nothing to him. Maybe it shouldn't mean anything to me. After all, it was just one night, one kiss. What did I expect? Someone like him would fall for someone like me? The problem is, like I've said many times, I instantly fall for anyone who gives me the slightest bit of attention. It hurt like hell when he didn't even bother replying.
A few days after that, we organized a surprise birthday dinner for KE. It was the first time all of us got together after that night. I was pretty much the one who organized the whole thing. Mainly because I feel like I haven't been as good a friend as I should be the last couple of years. That was something I vowed to change at the start of the new year. Again as I expected, they kept making fun of me for what happened. It's kind of embarrassing and insulting. Apparently word has gotten around about my little faux pas. It kind of sucked how they made comments about how I was famous now especially among first year students (ME is a freshman in med school). I didn't say anything but I was incredibly irked. I mean, who wouldn't be? I may not go to their school but I still knew a lot of people there and those people, for all I know, might be saying things about me and what I did. And the worse part is, I still didn't even remember most of what happened that night. I was upset about it for a couple of days but I eventually got over it. Who the fuck cares anyway? I just kept thinking that years from now, I I'll probably be able to look back on it, smile and say "Those were good times".
The next week, I had to renew my license. Incidentally, the place was a mere walking distance from campus so invited MDC and RO to dinner. After we ate we hung out at the lobby of RO's place. We were seated in one of the couches with me facing the way to the elevators. We were laughing about something when all of a sudden I saw a familiar face. It took me a few seconds to realize who it was. ME looked taller than in the photos (and in my memory). He looked different with a little scruff on his face but I was sure it was him. I fell silent. Our eyes met for a second and he stopped in his tracks. It was the most awkward moment of my life. I didn't know what to do so I looked away. He continued walking towards the door to the coffee shop. A little while later, we went into the same coffee shop so RO and MDC could study a bit (okay, I sort of talked them into it). We were seated like two tables away from ME. I sat with my back to him because I really couldn't stand to look at him. You know when Angela Chase tells Jordan Catalano that he was so beautiful, it hurts to look at him? Well it's kind of like that. We sat there for hours. I waited and waited, hoping that he will notice me, talk to me. Even just a nod to acknowledge my existence would have been enough, but no. Again, I expected too much.
I told MDC that I messaged him on Facebook. None of my other friends know. It was too embarrassing. I thought he was going to scold me and say it was stupid. He didn't. He congratulated me on taking the risk. God knows I don't do that often enough. He's been telling me for a while now that it's good to leave my comfort zone sometimes. He said what I did was a big step. I couldn't even begin to explain how relieved I was upon hearing it. I took a risk, it didn't pay off and wouldn't you know it? I was fine and the world didn't end. Sure, the rejection hurt like hell, but I'd rather have known than forever wonder what could have been. I've been there and done that. The way I see it, it was just one less "What if?". It really was a big step for me.
I still can't stop thinking about ME (gay or not). I still check his Facebook everyday. I'm pretty sure nothing could ever happen between us but a part of me, for some reason, is still hoping. Whatever happens, I'm still and will forever be glad I met him that night.
I got home around four that afternoon. I opened my Facebook page and it was filled with notifications. Wall posts saying things like "Oooh I heard you were a wild one." and "Best night ever last night?". At that point, I was starting to panic. What the fuck did I do last night? After hearing the stories from some of my friends who didn't get a case of amnesia that night, I figured the more appropriate question was What didn't I do?
Apparently, I was sitting next to an acquaintance, CK when I noticed the guy from the photo sitting next to her. According to CK, I told her that I thought the guy was hot. Then she, being slightly buzzed herself, introduced us. I started to remember parts of what happened after that. He told me his name, where he was from and how old he was. I remembered saying that he was too young. I remembered him saying he was going to the bathroom. That was it. As I heard stories from other friends, more and more things started to make sense. As it turned out, the images in my head from that morning were neither dreamed or imagined. They actually happened. I did end up making out with that guy (ME), I did fall down my seat at the club, I did cry in LT's car and I did fall over while going up the stairs at GG's place, hence the bruises. But it gets worse. And this part, up to now, I still don't remember. The last thing I remember that happened in the club was ME saying he had to go to the bathroom. That was after I sat on his lap and had a make out session with him. That was it. That's all I remembered. I thought we went home after that. But no, apparently, after he left I ended up making out with another guy. Then another. Then another. What the fuck is wrong with me? Guy #2 and Guy#3 are ME's classmates. What a douche move on my part. At that point, DP, one my friends who were smart enough to not get wasted that night, decided it was time to go. She and LT took RO and GG to the car and left me on the couch. When they came back, I was with guy #4. According to DP, I didn't want to leave even then. She had to get another one of our guy friends to help her drag me to the car. I don't remember any of it. Not even a little. I basically made a complete fool of myself that night. Thank God I don't go to their school.
That night was all we talked about for the next few days. Just as I thought, my friends would never let me live it down. One of our friends, JR, mentioned that he thought ME was actually my date that night because we didn't look like we just met. I looked at the photos again and again and he was right. We looked good together. We looked comfortable with each other. But then again, this may be due to the fact that I was pretty drunk. Otherwise I don't think I'd be comfortable talking to someone as good looking as ME. Oh I guess I forgot to mention that. ME is extremely good looking. All of my friends agree and they've never agreed with me about who I think is hot before. KE and him had some common friends so I wasn't that hard to track him down on Facebook. I went through his profile and well, I was kind of turned off. Yes, he was really, incredibly good looking but personality wise, I don't think we'd click. He seemed like a nice guy and all, but he also seemed like the kind of guy who knows that he's hot and he's totally owning it. I'm really not into that type of guy. Also, for someone reason, he came off as totally gay. This was later confirmed by DP who asked one of ME's friends. But still, I couldn't stop thinking about him. How could he be gay? So in a totally stupid and bordering on desperate move, I messaged him. I said I was sorry if I acted inappropriately that night blah blah blah. I waited and waited. No reply. I took it as a sign. Maybe he was also too drunk that night and he didn't even remember who I was. Maybe to him I was just that drunk girl he made out with that one time. Maybe it meant nothing to him. Maybe it shouldn't mean anything to me. After all, it was just one night, one kiss. What did I expect? Someone like him would fall for someone like me? The problem is, like I've said many times, I instantly fall for anyone who gives me the slightest bit of attention. It hurt like hell when he didn't even bother replying.
A few days after that, we organized a surprise birthday dinner for KE. It was the first time all of us got together after that night. I was pretty much the one who organized the whole thing. Mainly because I feel like I haven't been as good a friend as I should be the last couple of years. That was something I vowed to change at the start of the new year. Again as I expected, they kept making fun of me for what happened. It's kind of embarrassing and insulting. Apparently word has gotten around about my little faux pas. It kind of sucked how they made comments about how I was famous now especially among first year students (ME is a freshman in med school). I didn't say anything but I was incredibly irked. I mean, who wouldn't be? I may not go to their school but I still knew a lot of people there and those people, for all I know, might be saying things about me and what I did. And the worse part is, I still didn't even remember most of what happened that night. I was upset about it for a couple of days but I eventually got over it. Who the fuck cares anyway? I just kept thinking that years from now, I I'll probably be able to look back on it, smile and say "Those were good times".
The next week, I had to renew my license. Incidentally, the place was a mere walking distance from campus so invited MDC and RO to dinner. After we ate we hung out at the lobby of RO's place. We were seated in one of the couches with me facing the way to the elevators. We were laughing about something when all of a sudden I saw a familiar face. It took me a few seconds to realize who it was. ME looked taller than in the photos (and in my memory). He looked different with a little scruff on his face but I was sure it was him. I fell silent. Our eyes met for a second and he stopped in his tracks. It was the most awkward moment of my life. I didn't know what to do so I looked away. He continued walking towards the door to the coffee shop. A little while later, we went into the same coffee shop so RO and MDC could study a bit (okay, I sort of talked them into it). We were seated like two tables away from ME. I sat with my back to him because I really couldn't stand to look at him. You know when Angela Chase tells Jordan Catalano that he was so beautiful, it hurts to look at him? Well it's kind of like that. We sat there for hours. I waited and waited, hoping that he will notice me, talk to me. Even just a nod to acknowledge my existence would have been enough, but no. Again, I expected too much.
I told MDC that I messaged him on Facebook. None of my other friends know. It was too embarrassing. I thought he was going to scold me and say it was stupid. He didn't. He congratulated me on taking the risk. God knows I don't do that often enough. He's been telling me for a while now that it's good to leave my comfort zone sometimes. He said what I did was a big step. I couldn't even begin to explain how relieved I was upon hearing it. I took a risk, it didn't pay off and wouldn't you know it? I was fine and the world didn't end. Sure, the rejection hurt like hell, but I'd rather have known than forever wonder what could have been. I've been there and done that. The way I see it, it was just one less "What if?". It really was a big step for me.
I still can't stop thinking about ME (gay or not). I still check his Facebook everyday. I'm pretty sure nothing could ever happen between us but a part of me, for some reason, is still hoping. Whatever happens, I'm still and will forever be glad I met him that night.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Some Things Old and Some Things New
T and I met up with our other friend, M, a few days back. We were pretty close back in high school but we lost touch after we graduated. I can't even remember the last time I saw M before the other night. She introduced us to her boyfriend who apparently she has been together with for many years now. We had no idea. M is a licensed nurse who works part time at Hooters. Back in high school, M was pretty much "Little Miss Perfect". Good grades, nice to everyone, comes from a conservative family, you know the type. When T and I first found out that M was working at Hooters, we were shocked, to say the least. I admit, we even made some pretty snide comments about it.
Like I said, we hadn't seen M in forever and I thought that hanging out with her again would be a bit awkward. I was wrong. It was surprising to see that after all those years of not so much as a Hi or Hello, things were still the same. M had changed considerably since high school. She's not as stuck up and as big of a prude as she was before. I know it sounds kind of mean, but it's a compliment. She dresses sexier, she's more confident and now she can openly talk about things, that six years ago, she could not not even say out loud. She had changed but somehow, things between us were still the same. We still laugh at the same jokes, we still finish each others' sentences and everything was just like it was back when we were in high school. It's as if those six years of not talking or seeing each other didn't even happen.
M told us the story of how she and her boyfriend met. It was a really cute story and the boyfriend was a pretty great guy, in my opinion. I don't say this very often about couples, but I am genuinely happy for M and her boyfriend. She also told us that the Hooters gig was actually her second job. Turns out, her dad is sick and can't work anymore, while her mom lost her job. M works two jobs to support her family. She told us that she no longer sees any of her other friends and she felt alone and disconnected from everyone else. She told us that the only who was there for her was her boyfriend. It made me feel terrible for all the bad things I said about her working at Hooters. I felt terrible about judging her when I didn't even know what was going on in her life. Most of all, I felt terrible that I wasn't there for her. I wanted to hug her bf and tell him thank you, a million times, for being there for M when us, her friends, weren't.
I watched M and her bf all through the night with a sense of fascination as they told us their stories about each other. They said that they fight a lot but they work through it and it was strange to hear them actually owning up to their mistakes in the relationship. They make fun of each other, they joke around together and aside from being boyfriend/girlfriend, they seemed to be each other's best friend as well. They seem like they knew each other, like really knew each other, down to their deepest, darkest secrets, down to their hopes and biggest fears. I must admit, I was definitely a little jealous. I can't even imagine having that kind of relationship with anyone. I don't think I can handle another person knowing the most intimate details of my life. T and I are pretty close but there are still parts of my life, of myself, that I am not willing to share with her. I feel like there should always be a necessary amount of distance between myself and every one else in my life. This is the reason why sometimes I think I'm really better off alone. M's boyfriend, on the other hand, said that the reason I'm alone is probably because I want to be alone and it's purely by choice. I never really understand why people keep telling me that my singleness is by choice. Okay, it is by choice but only because I have no other choice. It's not like guys are lining up around the corner for me.
T mentioned that she was delayed. Almost two months delayed. She said she already took a test and it was negative but she wasn't ruling out the possibility. I wasn't sure whether I should congratulate her or not so I asked her. She told us that if it was up to her, she wouldn't want a baby yet but if she was pregnant, so be it. I asked her if her boyfriend knew. She said yes and she showed me his text message. It was reassuring to know that he is supportive and that he will be there for T whatever happens. I can't say I approve of the whole thing but that's largely due to selfish reasons. If T has a baby, everything will change and nothing will ever be the same. I keep thinking of all the things we couldn't do, all of the adventures we couldn't have if she has a baby. I don't want her to have a baby. Just trying to imagine it makes me cringe. T having a baby would be the nail in the coffin of our youth. It will once and for all set into stone the fact that we were actual adults. A fact that I'm still clearly in denial of. But of course I didn't tell her that, and no matter what happens, baby or no baby, I will always be there for T.
After a few drinks, I did the unforgivable. I texted Lover Boy. Technically, I sent him a blank text message. He asked me where I was and before I could do anything even more stupid, I asked T to keep my phone and not to give it to me for any reason at all. I hate the fact that I was the first one to break the silence. I blame it on the alcohol. M had no idea about what has been going on between Lover Boy and me so we filled her in. Six years ago, I could never tell her any of it but now, I could go into every little detail. EVERY LITTLE DETAIL. She took it better than I expected and mad props to her boyfriend for not making me feel uncomfortable about any of it. M asked me if I had feelings for Lover Boy. My answer was an obvious fuck no. Her bf said that I probably do, or else I wouldn't stick around for as long as I have. Do I have feelings for Lover Boy? I considered the thought, but then I stopped because maybe I wouldn't like the answer. Even if I did have feelings for him, it's not like there's anything I could do about it. That night ended with me feeling victorious over the fact that he was the last to text this time and not me. Small victory, I know, but victory none the less.
He texted me earlier asking if I had work today. I told him I didn't but I was going to go see a movie with my brother. He said he had to pick up his boss from the airport but maybe we could see each other after. He didn't say it quite like that of course. His version was a bit more R13. Still, I told him okay. Because I'm stupid. About three hours ago, I asked him if he wanted to go to this place near where I live to get a drink or something. He wasn't familiar with the place so he asked me where it was. I told him and he didn't text back. After a while, it occurred to me that the place wasn't just near my house, it was also near his girlfriend's house and a lot of people we knew frequent the place. He probably didn't want to be seen with me. I will always be just his dirty little secret and you know what? I'm done and I couldn't care any less.
Like I said, we hadn't seen M in forever and I thought that hanging out with her again would be a bit awkward. I was wrong. It was surprising to see that after all those years of not so much as a Hi or Hello, things were still the same. M had changed considerably since high school. She's not as stuck up and as big of a prude as she was before. I know it sounds kind of mean, but it's a compliment. She dresses sexier, she's more confident and now she can openly talk about things, that six years ago, she could not not even say out loud. She had changed but somehow, things between us were still the same. We still laugh at the same jokes, we still finish each others' sentences and everything was just like it was back when we were in high school. It's as if those six years of not talking or seeing each other didn't even happen.
M told us the story of how she and her boyfriend met. It was a really cute story and the boyfriend was a pretty great guy, in my opinion. I don't say this very often about couples, but I am genuinely happy for M and her boyfriend. She also told us that the Hooters gig was actually her second job. Turns out, her dad is sick and can't work anymore, while her mom lost her job. M works two jobs to support her family. She told us that she no longer sees any of her other friends and she felt alone and disconnected from everyone else. She told us that the only who was there for her was her boyfriend. It made me feel terrible for all the bad things I said about her working at Hooters. I felt terrible about judging her when I didn't even know what was going on in her life. Most of all, I felt terrible that I wasn't there for her. I wanted to hug her bf and tell him thank you, a million times, for being there for M when us, her friends, weren't.
I watched M and her bf all through the night with a sense of fascination as they told us their stories about each other. They said that they fight a lot but they work through it and it was strange to hear them actually owning up to their mistakes in the relationship. They make fun of each other, they joke around together and aside from being boyfriend/girlfriend, they seemed to be each other's best friend as well. They seem like they knew each other, like really knew each other, down to their deepest, darkest secrets, down to their hopes and biggest fears. I must admit, I was definitely a little jealous. I can't even imagine having that kind of relationship with anyone. I don't think I can handle another person knowing the most intimate details of my life. T and I are pretty close but there are still parts of my life, of myself, that I am not willing to share with her. I feel like there should always be a necessary amount of distance between myself and every one else in my life. This is the reason why sometimes I think I'm really better off alone. M's boyfriend, on the other hand, said that the reason I'm alone is probably because I want to be alone and it's purely by choice. I never really understand why people keep telling me that my singleness is by choice. Okay, it is by choice but only because I have no other choice. It's not like guys are lining up around the corner for me.
T mentioned that she was delayed. Almost two months delayed. She said she already took a test and it was negative but she wasn't ruling out the possibility. I wasn't sure whether I should congratulate her or not so I asked her. She told us that if it was up to her, she wouldn't want a baby yet but if she was pregnant, so be it. I asked her if her boyfriend knew. She said yes and she showed me his text message. It was reassuring to know that he is supportive and that he will be there for T whatever happens. I can't say I approve of the whole thing but that's largely due to selfish reasons. If T has a baby, everything will change and nothing will ever be the same. I keep thinking of all the things we couldn't do, all of the adventures we couldn't have if she has a baby. I don't want her to have a baby. Just trying to imagine it makes me cringe. T having a baby would be the nail in the coffin of our youth. It will once and for all set into stone the fact that we were actual adults. A fact that I'm still clearly in denial of. But of course I didn't tell her that, and no matter what happens, baby or no baby, I will always be there for T.
After a few drinks, I did the unforgivable. I texted Lover Boy. Technically, I sent him a blank text message. He asked me where I was and before I could do anything even more stupid, I asked T to keep my phone and not to give it to me for any reason at all. I hate the fact that I was the first one to break the silence. I blame it on the alcohol. M had no idea about what has been going on between Lover Boy and me so we filled her in. Six years ago, I could never tell her any of it but now, I could go into every little detail. EVERY LITTLE DETAIL. She took it better than I expected and mad props to her boyfriend for not making me feel uncomfortable about any of it. M asked me if I had feelings for Lover Boy. My answer was an obvious fuck no. Her bf said that I probably do, or else I wouldn't stick around for as long as I have. Do I have feelings for Lover Boy? I considered the thought, but then I stopped because maybe I wouldn't like the answer. Even if I did have feelings for him, it's not like there's anything I could do about it. That night ended with me feeling victorious over the fact that he was the last to text this time and not me. Small victory, I know, but victory none the less.
He texted me earlier asking if I had work today. I told him I didn't but I was going to go see a movie with my brother. He said he had to pick up his boss from the airport but maybe we could see each other after. He didn't say it quite like that of course. His version was a bit more R13. Still, I told him okay. Because I'm stupid. About three hours ago, I asked him if he wanted to go to this place near where I live to get a drink or something. He wasn't familiar with the place so he asked me where it was. I told him and he didn't text back. After a while, it occurred to me that the place wasn't just near my house, it was also near his girlfriend's house and a lot of people we knew frequent the place. He probably didn't want to be seen with me. I will always be just his dirty little secret and you know what? I'm done and I couldn't care any less.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Nothing Good Happens After 2 AM
I hate myself right now. I know I said I wanted nothing to do with you anymore, but I couldn't help it. I was at a friend's house, watching DVDs and drinking a bit. I guess it's a combination of the alcohol and my loneliness that made me want to see you. I just wanted to see you. I knew what would happen if I texted you but I did it anyway. You asked if you and a friend could come over and I couldn't say no. It still amazes me how I could almost never say no to you. I told my friends you were coming. They of course, disapproved. They know what's up between you and me. They've known all these years.
It was late and the guard at the village's entrance wouldn't let you in so you asked me to come meet you outside. My friends tried to stop me. They tried to reason with me. They were right, but I didn't care. I met you outside the gate while my friends waited nearby. Your car was parked in a dark corner and you asked me to get in. I'm not stupid. I knew what I was getting myself into. I knew exactly what you wanted and what was going to happen if got in. I did anyway.
We were in the backseat and a friend of your's was "sleeping" in the front seat. I tried to make small talk. I asked you how you were. You didn't even want to bother with words. You didn't even care about the fact that there was someone else in the car. You started kissing me and touching me. Even that didn't last long. You unzipped your pants and it doesn't take a genius to figure out what you wanted. I couldn't tell if you were enjoying it or not, but after a while, you were done. Not a minute had passed by and already, you were asking me to get out. I haven't even zipped my denim shorts yet. If a guy trying to get rid of you after giving him a blowjob in the backseat of his car in some dark corner doesn't make you feel like a cheap slut, I don't know what will.
We got out of the car and you said you were uncomfortable that my friends were waiting for me. That was your excuse for kicking me out. I said it was cool and we got in the backseat again. I sat on your lap and I started kissing you, wanting even a semblance of intimacy. I started kissing you in the neck and you told me not to leave a mark. Of course. We wouldn't want you getting caught now, would we? I was drunk and horny when we started, but at that point, I was just really annoyed. I remembered that it was your one year anniversary last week. I greeted you a happy anniversary and I asked about your girlfriend, how you met and stuff. You know, just to piss you off. You never liked talking about her with me.
You walked me back to where my friends were and you tried saying hi to them. They turned their backs and walked away. What, were you expecting a warm welcome or something? You said goodbye and I said "So, that's it?". You smiled and kissed me on the cheek. That was it. I walked back with my friends, feeling shameful and lower than ever. We got back in the house and sat around in the kitchen, completely silent. "Ok, just say it. Just say or ask what you want." I told them. They asked me if I was okay. They told me that they would never judge me and that they loved me no matter what. I wanted to cry right then and there.
It really means a lot to me that my friends have my back. They're all in a serious relationship, and in the back of my mind, I've always been afraid that they somehow resented me for what I was doing. T and R have been in similar situations before but I has a very clean slate. It's actually her that I'm most worried about. I still kind of am. They asked me if this was the last time. I'm sure it's not. I don't know why I keep letting you treat me like this. Why I keep letting you make me feel this way. It's kind of funny how I always end up hating myself after being with you and yet, I can never get myself to hate you.
I and R left around five in the morning. Me and T stayed up talking. She's the only person I can talk to about anything. There are no secrets between us and I feel like we know each other inside and out. She somehow managed to make me feel less crappy about the whole thing. I went home with a terrible headache and an even more terrible pain in my heart.
You're probably going to ignore me for a week or two or until you get bored with her again. I, on the other hand, will probably spend the next few days trying to convince myself that it meant nothing to me. That you mean nothing to me.
It was late and the guard at the village's entrance wouldn't let you in so you asked me to come meet you outside. My friends tried to stop me. They tried to reason with me. They were right, but I didn't care. I met you outside the gate while my friends waited nearby. Your car was parked in a dark corner and you asked me to get in. I'm not stupid. I knew what I was getting myself into. I knew exactly what you wanted and what was going to happen if got in. I did anyway.
We were in the backseat and a friend of your's was "sleeping" in the front seat. I tried to make small talk. I asked you how you were. You didn't even want to bother with words. You didn't even care about the fact that there was someone else in the car. You started kissing me and touching me. Even that didn't last long. You unzipped your pants and it doesn't take a genius to figure out what you wanted. I couldn't tell if you were enjoying it or not, but after a while, you were done. Not a minute had passed by and already, you were asking me to get out. I haven't even zipped my denim shorts yet. If a guy trying to get rid of you after giving him a blowjob in the backseat of his car in some dark corner doesn't make you feel like a cheap slut, I don't know what will.
We got out of the car and you said you were uncomfortable that my friends were waiting for me. That was your excuse for kicking me out. I said it was cool and we got in the backseat again. I sat on your lap and I started kissing you, wanting even a semblance of intimacy. I started kissing you in the neck and you told me not to leave a mark. Of course. We wouldn't want you getting caught now, would we? I was drunk and horny when we started, but at that point, I was just really annoyed. I remembered that it was your one year anniversary last week. I greeted you a happy anniversary and I asked about your girlfriend, how you met and stuff. You know, just to piss you off. You never liked talking about her with me.
You walked me back to where my friends were and you tried saying hi to them. They turned their backs and walked away. What, were you expecting a warm welcome or something? You said goodbye and I said "So, that's it?". You smiled and kissed me on the cheek. That was it. I walked back with my friends, feeling shameful and lower than ever. We got back in the house and sat around in the kitchen, completely silent. "Ok, just say it. Just say or ask what you want." I told them. They asked me if I was okay. They told me that they would never judge me and that they loved me no matter what. I wanted to cry right then and there.
It really means a lot to me that my friends have my back. They're all in a serious relationship, and in the back of my mind, I've always been afraid that they somehow resented me for what I was doing. T and R have been in similar situations before but I has a very clean slate. It's actually her that I'm most worried about. I still kind of am. They asked me if this was the last time. I'm sure it's not. I don't know why I keep letting you treat me like this. Why I keep letting you make me feel this way. It's kind of funny how I always end up hating myself after being with you and yet, I can never get myself to hate you.
I and R left around five in the morning. Me and T stayed up talking. She's the only person I can talk to about anything. There are no secrets between us and I feel like we know each other inside and out. She somehow managed to make me feel less crappy about the whole thing. I went home with a terrible headache and an even more terrible pain in my heart.
You're probably going to ignore me for a week or two or until you get bored with her again. I, on the other hand, will probably spend the next few days trying to convince myself that it meant nothing to me. That you mean nothing to me.
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