I Don't Even Know Anymore

I haven't heard from AR in almost 2 months. I guess it's safe to say that whatever I thought we had is over. I never saw him again after my birthday. We texted for about two weeks after that, tried making plans to see each other, but neither us really made any concrete effort to see each other. After a while, I guess he got bored or busy or whatever. The texts stopped and we never spoke again. It kind of sucked at first, you know? Cause I really thought it could work. He was a great guy and everything and I thought I really could like him. After giving it a lot of thought, I have realized that no, I didn't really like him all that much at all. I just liked the idea of him, what he represented, and how he made me feel. Not he, himself as a person. I've said it before and I'll say it again, he's a great guy, but I guess there was just no chemistry between us. Or at least not enough. I liked him enough, but if I did end up with him, I would always feel like I settled. I don't want "enough". I want the whole she-bang. I want the whole "can't live without you" sort of love that will make me lose all logic and cause me to act ridiculous and stupid. I want the kind of love that will the stuff that movies are made of. I want the Disney happily ever after ending. I know it sounds unrealistic, especially in this day and age. But hey, a girl can hope.

Life hasn't been going great these past few months. I can't explain it. It's like all these little things have piled up over time and now I am overwhelmed by all of it. Nothing has been going right for me. I feel like I am failing at every aspect of my life. I hate my soul crushing, dead end job. I'm having financial problems, an existential crisis, and then there is this thing with my friends.

Last month, my college friends and I had a little get together for KE's birthday. All through the night, they kept making fun of me for the whole Shift fiasco last year. I told them I didn't wanna talk about that ever again but they kept going. Basically they made fun of me all night and made me feel like a total slut. Like, I know I totally messed up that night, but they didn't really have to rub it in my face every chance they got. I feel bad enough about it already without them reminding me every single time we see each other. I know they think I'm a slut. I mean, I can accept that from other people but it really hurts when you find out what your friends really think of you. I cried in the cab all the way home. I deactivated my Facebook account and avoided them. I didn't reply to any text messages and I didn't answer any of their phone calls. They probably figured out that I was upset but still, I haven't gotten any apology. It's been more than a month and I'm still sort of avoiding them. I keep making up excuses when they invite me to hang out. I just don't feel like seeing them. The things they said really did a number on me, especially when one of them said that he wanted to set me up with one his friends but that friend had high standards. It just hit me hard, for some reason. Why wasn't I enough? I'm smart, I'm funny, I'm not at all terrible looking, and I am a good person. Why isn't that enough? Does the fact that I will always be a little bit slutty offset all the other good things about me? I have been contemplating if I should try to change myself so that people take me more seriously and guys start seeing me as girlfriend material. Should I really change myself for other people? Do I value their opinions that much? I still don't really know the answer to those questions. Like I said, I'm having a major existential and quarter life crisis over here. I don't know what to do with my life and myself. I wish I were as well adjusted as everyone else. People always say that they wish they were "special", "different" or whatever.  Well, I wish I was just like everyone else.

Twenty Five

I don't even know how to begin. In my last post, I mentioned that AR and I are no longer speaking. Nothing was really happening so at the time, I decided it would be best to just let things die down naturally. I stopped replying to his texts and Facebook messages. About a week ago, I received a message from one of our common friends telling me that she ran into AR and they got to talking about me. He told her that I was no longer replying to him and when I did, it was usually two days after. At first I was kind of angry because for the first few weeks after we met, he was the one who was constantly leaving our conversations hanging. I only started to ignore him because I was getting tired of replying to him and not getting a response back. After a while, I felt kind of guilty about the whole thing. I thought about texting him but I kept finding reasons not to. I thought that was that. I was so wrong.

I turned twenty five last Friday. To celebrate, I booked a small table at a club (same one mentioned in previous post) and invited T, I, and some friends from college. Some of my college friends had an event to go to that same night so were supposed to come by a little later. Imagine my surprise when, in the middle of getting my drunk on, AR showed up with my friends. I totally freaked out. I immediately put my drink down and stubbed the cig I was smoking. I said a quick hi, grabbed T and hauled ass to the nearest restroom. It took forever before I finally managed to calm down and go back outside. Through the night, I kept making excuses to leave every once in a while. Like I said, I was absolutely freaking out. I mean, I thought I would never ever see the guy again and then there he was. I kept receiving text messages from my friends telling me to come back, to talk to him or whatever. And being the idiot that I am, I decided that the best way to deal with the situation is to get drunk of my ass. I know, I'm a fucking genius. I downed tequila shots like there was no tomorrow. After a while, I was already slightly buzzed and I got more comfortable. We got to talking. We addressed the fact that both us were terrible at replying to text messages. I told him he was too busy and then he said he'll find a way around his schedule somehow. He said to be at the hospital at 7am the next day but it was worth not getting any sleep because he got to see me. He also told me I was beautiful. I almost died. No guy has ever said that to me before.

A few more drinks later, we were dancing with each other. It was nothing like with that guy I mentioned in my previous post (lets just cal him CE). AR kept his hands to himself and he was a real gentleman even though I was basically throwing myself at him. A few more drinks later, I ended up with my arms around his neck and my face buried in his chest. His hands were on my waist and he kept them there even though I was secretly wishing he'd touch me in inappropriate places. I told him that he was such a gentleman and that most guys would have easily taken advantage of the situation. He said something like girls should be respected or something to that effect. I don't remember exactly the things he said but I remember how it made me feel. I swooned. Like I literally could not help but grin like a fucking idiot. We stayed like that for a while, with our arms around each other and then he told me to look at him. I looked up at him and then he kissed me. It was weird. I didn't feel the way I usually feel when I kissed guys. It's hard to explain. When I kissed Lover Boy or CE, it was full of sexual energy. I mean, I wanted to get it on with them. With AR, it was just kinda nice. I just wanted to be in his arms and not do anything but just stay there like that with him. Like I said, it's kind of weird. Is that a bad thing? That I don't picture myself having sex with him when I kiss him?

Anyway, at around 4am, my friends were looking pretty bored so we decided to call it a night. I went home with T and I and he went home with my other friends. We've been texting again since last Saturday and last night, he told me that his grandmother is in her deathbed and that they were really close. I really didn't know what to say. I felt so bad for him and all I wanted to do was go over to where he is and give him a hug. He also told me that he wanted to see me again so we could get to know each other more. I told him I was looking forward to seeing him again, and I actually meant it. He asked me what my favorite flowers were and of course, being me, I didn't have a favorite flower. I told him I loved tulips or any flower as long as they're not roses because roses are so cliche. He said tulips are kind of expensive but it's worth it when the person you are giving it to means a lot to you. I almost screamed.

In the last few days, I've noticed that there was something different in our interactions now. Something had changed. I mean, when I talked to him back then, before Friday I mean, it was all very formal. Small talk. Now we can actually joke around each other and even flirt a little. Things had definitely shifted. I'm not sure if that's a good thing. Back then I wanted him to see me as a "good girl" so I kept from being flirty and forward. I was always second guessing the things I say to him. But now, after what happened, I feel more comfortable being myself around him. I mean, he'd already seen me wasted as fuck so what else do I have to hide, right? I just hope that what happened doesn't change his opinion of me. I don't want him to see me as just some easy party girl because I think I might actually really like him. I don't know. The way I feel about him right now is starting to freak me out. He's a great guy and all my friends like him. They're even threatening me with bodily harm if I screw things up. Which I probably will. I don't know. There are moments when I wish I could just go back to not caring about him and just flirting with random guys I meet. I want to go back to just having fun, no emotions involved. T said it was time to give that shit up. That I should try being serious with someone for a change. She's probably right but the thought of it scares the shit out of me. It's kind of scary because I think this could be it. Not it, but you know. He seems like he is boyfriend material. I don't know. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

You Only Live Once

Updates! AR and I are no longer in contact with each other. He invited me to a movie but we didn't really push through with it. We texted each other for a while but our conversations never really went anywhere and eventually I guess we both just stopped trying. It really wasn't meant to be. He was nice enough but there just wasn't any chemistry between us. It doesn't really matter that much to me anyway. Like I said, whatever happens, I will always be glad that I decided to go on that "date".

Anyway, another big news is that R has left to go work in Singapore. I still can't believe she's gone. We had a little send off party for her the other week. We got all dressed up and went out for drinks. We've all been friends for more than a decade but that was the first time we went out to an actual club. I'm usually not a huge fan of loud and crowded places but I seriously had a blast. My legs hurt from standing around and dancing all night and my credit card definitely felt the damage as well. I'm almost twenty five and I just now realized that I actually like going out dancing. T felt the same. We were both feeling pretty stressed about work and we needed to unwind. And for that reason, the very next week, (last Friday), we found ourselves yet again at the same club. R has left for Singapore a couple of days before so it was just M,I, T and me. We danced, we drank, and got approached by some guys.It was great. I and  M had work the next day so they had to leave at around 1am. Me and T were still having a good time so we decided to stay. A few minutes later, two guys approached us. I wasn't really interested at first because I just wanted to have a good time with T, but because the guy I was talking to was pretty hot (and because of the obscene amount of alcohol I had in my system), I thought "Why the hell not?". We started dancing, innocently enough at first but then we ended up grinding up on each other. A few minutes later, his hands were all over me and my hands were all over him and there was kissing involved. I found out a little later that he had a girlfriend. They've been together for six years. I thought about giving him the boot right then and there but I didn't. At that point I don't think I would have cared if he was married. He tried getting me to go with him to the men's room but I was stopped by a bouncer posted at the door. We continued flirting right at the bar and he was asking me to go home with him. I told him it wasn't happening. All this was going on while T was busy with her guy. They were majorly flirting and making out. Did I mention that T has a boyfriend? Well, she does. And I reminded her of this fact quite a number of times. They've been having problems recently and at that moment, I guess she just wanted to forget about him for a while. Things were heating up and before I knew it, me and the guy were totally all over each other. His hands were on my ass, breasts, you name it. And mine were on his crotch. He asked me to put my hand inside his pants but the bouncer behind him was giving me the stink eye so I decided against it. After a while, he and his friend whispered to each other and he grabbed my hand and said "Let's go."

At this point, I was pretty drunk so I just took his hand and he led me out of the club. I asked T where we were going and she told me we were going back to their place. I told her that no, we weren't. We were going home. She was pretty set on going home with the guy and I couldn't very well leave her, so against my better judgement, I went too. Their place was pretty far and by the time we got there, my guy was already half asleep. I was honestly scared as shit. I had never gone home with a stranger before and as you probably know by now, I've never had sex so I was extremely nervous. I didn't want my first time to be a one night stand with a complete stranger. However hot said stranger may be.

We got to the bedroom, and as soon as he got on the bed, he fucking fell asleep. Can you believe it? It's kind of really funny and infuriating at the same time. A part of me is totally bummed that he flirted with me all night, got me to go home with him and then he falls asleep. But a bigger part of me is relieved that nothing happened between us. Had he not fallen asleep, I don't think I could have said no to him. He lied down and pulled me to him and we both fell asleep. Okay, I didn't really sleep at all. I just lay there tossing and turning. As much as it felt good to be sleeping next to a really hot guy, I just couldn't get comfortable because said hot guy was still a complete stranger and I still had no idea where I was. Add to that the fact that T and her guy were having sex and they were so fucking loud.

After I don't know how long, they finished and T "woke me up" so we could go. Her guy walked us out and got us on a cab. My guy didn't even wake up. It was like he was in a freakin coma or something. The cab ride home took forever. And it cost us a fortune. Up to now, I still have no idea where we ended up. T's boyfriend kept calling all through the cab ride home. It was awkward. We got home a little past 7am.

She later told me that she had sex with the guy twice and they didn't use protection. Being the responsible friend that I was, I looked up morning after pills and made her go to the drug store to buy some. She was really nervous and I was nervous for her. And then there was the issue of whether or not she should tell her boyfriend. I told her not to. Because what good would come of it, right? Her boyfriend didn't take her calls all day. She was convinced that he knew but I told her not to say anything. They met up the next day and they're totally fine now. T said that her boyfriend was really making an effort. She had considered breaking up with him but now she's having second thoughts. I asked her if she plans on contacting the other guy again. She said no. Not unless she gets pregnant, which I hope to God doesn't happen. I, on the other hand, am desperate to see my guy again which would be difficult because I didn't get his number. Or his last name.

We talked a great deal about the incident and just how stupid we were, going home with two complete strangers. We were lucky that nothing happened and we didn't end up murdered and dumped in a ditch somewhere. Despite everything, T and I agreed that we still had a pretty good time. No regrets. Would we be going out again? Probably not anytime soon. And probably not just the two of us. We tend to get in trouble when it's just the two of us. The problem is, I can't seem to wanna stop going out and meeting guys. I don't know what's happening to me. Maybe it's a quarter life crisis thing, or whatever. I feel like I only have a limited amount of time to get all of this out of my system. I feel like I'm running out of time. Does that make sense? Anyway, we both agreed to lay low for a while.

It's officially one month before my twenty fifth birthday and  I plan on celebrating it at that very same club with my friends. I can not wait to go out, get drunk, and get picked up by guys again. I know that's terrible, but as they say, YOLO.

"Life Begins At The End of Your Comfort Zone"

Feels like forever ago since I last posted anything here. Anyway, big things happening in my life right now. I've been steadily gaining weight in the past few months and before I knew it, I was overweight and I felt like shit. I felt terrible about myself to the point that I didn't even wanna leave the house except for work anymore. Last March, I decided to take control and change that. I started eating healthy and going to the gym 3-5 times a week. It was insanely difficult but now I can say all of the hard work has been worth it. I look great, I feel great and dare I say, I'm in the best shape I've ever been health wise. And it's not just me who noticed. My family, friends, people at work have commented on the weight loss. That and seeing my progress is definitely motivating me to keep going. The exercise is easy, it's the healthy eating that's proving to be a challenge. I've not had any fast food in two months and that's huge accomplishment for me. It's hard but it's definitely worth it. People keep asking me why I'm doing this and my reply is always simple, yet hard to explain. I'm doing this for me. I'm taking control of my body, my life and I've honestly never felt this good in a long time. I blame it on the exercise endorphins.

Anyway, another big news. I went on my first "date" ever the other night. I put quotation marks on there because it wasn't actually a date date. It's kind of a long story, but to cut it short, my college friends set me up with a guy from their class. I had no intention of agreeing to it but they were so persistent that I eventually said yes. They agreed to come along so it was kind of a group thing. Stressed me out all week just thinking about it. I've never done this sort of thing and I tried to play it cool like it was no big deal but I was nervous as fuck. I tried to think of ways to get out of it but in the end, I decided to just go along with it because really, what have I got to lose?

It's kind of embarrassing that I had to ask my bff T about what to wear and all that stuff. I kept thinking that this sort of thing happens to you in high school, not when you're about to turn twenty five. I didn't want to look like I prepared for it or whatever but I also didn't want to look sloppy. I wanted him to like me but at the same time, I didn't because I probably won't like him. Does that make sense? My head was a total mess these last few days.

I was suppose to meet them (my college friends and the guy, who we shall call "AR") at around 7:30 after work but the traffic was insane and I ended up getting there an hour late. It was seriously pretty fucking awkward at dinner. My friends were there but they were pretty much ignoring me and forcing me to talk to my "date". We didn't talk at all through dinner. I wanted to run out of there and just end the whole thing. Fortunately, things took a turn for the better when I had to go to the restroom which was pretty far from where we were seated. They insisted that he walk me there (fucking awkward, I tell you) and once we were away from my friends (who spent the entire dinner making everything as uncomfortable as hell), we actually got to talking. We had some drinks at a bar after that. By this time, things were looking up. I don't know if it was because of the alcohol (it probably is), but I felt myself gradually feeling comfortable around him. We were talking more and laughing and from my point of view, I think we had fun. At the end of the night, he got me in a cab and asked for my number. I was pretty tipsy at this point and honestly I couldn't really think all too well. I know, I know, getting drunk on a first "date" is a no no but whatever. I gave him my number but I wasn't entirely sure if I gave him the right one so I told him to just check with my friends. He probably thinks I'm a party girl who can't handle her drinks but at the moment, all I could think of was that if I had accidentally given him the wrong number, he might think I did it on purpose because I'm not into him. I didn't wanna seem like a bitch so thats why I told him to just check with my friends. Pretty decent of me huh? Anyway, he texted a few minutes later to ask if I got home okay. I told him yeah, I was home and about to go to sleep. He said good night and thanked me for my time. He sounded so formal.

So now, I just got home from hanging out with T and the rest of the gang, who demanded details about the "date". They were so happy for me. To be honest, I'm happy for me too. It was a huge step for me. I was surprised to find that it really wasn't so bad. I actually had fun. I haven't heard from AR since that last text. He hasn't even added me on Facebook yet. I really don't know what to think and again, it's stressing me out. It's not that I'm really into him but I want him to be into me, you know? Does that makes sense? I just don't like being rejected. I wanna be the one doing the rejecting. Yeah, it sounds bad, I know.

I really have no idea how well or awful the "date" was for him and it's taking all of me to not ask my college friends if he has mentioned anything. I don't want them thinking that I like him, like him. Well, I don't dislike him or anything. He was okay to talk to, he seemed interested in the things I say. We got to talking about books and I was surprised to learn that he had never heard of The Great Gatsby. Of course, in all my infinite geekery, I totally gushed over the book and urged him to read it. I really appreciated the fact that he took the time to type down the title of the book and the author on his phone. Plus points for him. I also liked the fact that he was a complete gentleman all through out the night even when I was obviously drunk. Totally different from all the boys I used to know. So do I like him? The truth is I really don't know. But that doesn't stop me from over thinking and obsessing over the fact that I have not heard from him at all.  I thinks it's probably because of the stupid three day rule. Fuck that. Whatever the reason is, the one thing I know for sure is that I definitely will not be adding him on Facebook or calling him first. Will I see him again? I don't know. We invited him to go see The Great Gatsby with us when it opens. I don't think I'm ready to be alone with him if it comes to that. I really hate this feeling. My head is a fucking mess and I can't think about anything else. Is it always like this? Ugh. I feel like such a newbie.

Whatever. I have no idea how this whole thing is going to play out but whatever happens, I don't regret deciding to go and meeting him. I've had too many what ifs already. I'm proud of myself for taking a step away from my comfort zone. It was a good experience and I should probably do this more often. Not date more often but you know, do things I'm afraid of doing. I'm almost twenty five and I think it's about time to step it up and really put myself out there, not just dating wise.

Alone

Have you ever felt like you are alone? At one point or another, I'm sure everyone has. But really, have you ever felt like literally, you are all alone? I've mentioned many times before that my friends are all super busy with work/school/other friends, but I was okay. I still had my family. But these days, it seems like my family has no time for me either. My brother has a new job and a new girlfriend, my mother prefers to spend all of her weekends over my aunts house and sometimes it feels like she would rather spend her time with everyone else but me. My dad, well, he doesn't really live with us. So I am, quite literally, alone all the time. I'm the sort of person who values alone time, but even I have my limits. These days, I've taken to reading until my eyes hurt and I want to gouge them out just to distract myself from my aloneness. I've taken to posting every single thought I have on Twitter just because I literally don't have anyone to talk to. It weighs down on you after a while. I'm getting tired of adjusting my schedule, my life to accommodate everyone else and no one seems to be making any effort to accommodate me. It's just kind of sad realizing that you don't mean as much to people as they mean to you. I was going to take my family Christmas shopping today and they acted like it was an inconvenience to them. Like they were gonna be doing me a favor by going. For the past two years, I've taken my family Christmas shopping and I spend every hard earned dime I have on them. I don't even get myself anything for Christmas. Not even a pair of fucking socks. So yeah, it pisses me off that they don't even seen to appreciate that. Well, since they're all too fucking busy to spend some time with me, they can get their own presents. It's not like they give me anything anyway. They're making me hate the Holidays even more. A few more years like this and I'm gonna turn into Ebenezer freakin Scrooge.

Anyway, long story short, they had other plans and so here I am, home alone on a Saturday night while my brother is out with his girlfriend and my mother is with our other relatives for a reunion dinner thing which nobody bothered telling me about until the last minute because I couldn't possibly have any plans of my own or a life of my own, for that matter. This is exactly what I'm talking about. Everyone keeps expecting me to adjust to their schedule, their needs, or whatever as long as it's about them. Of course, because I'm a sad and bitter person, I said I wasn't going. Okay, I know I really didn't have plans or anything but what if I did? I'll tell you what. They're gonna make me cancel MY plans just to accommodate THEIR plans. It's like I don't even matter at all. Sometimes I wish I'd just disappear. That's how everyone makes me feel anyway. Like I'm invisible. I just really want to be noticed, to be appreciated. Is that too much to ask?

Part of That World

College friends have been too busy with med week activities these past few days. It's times like these that make me wish I had gone to med school with them. I'm so jealous that they get to have all these new experiences, get to meet new friends and I'm not a part of all of it. I try to come to their events as much as I can. I try to hang out with them whenever I can. I want to be there. I want to be a part of their lives. I don't want to slowly slip away and be forgotten as they move on. To be honest, it's getting harder and harder for me to keep up with them. The conversations tend to get repetitive, sometimes forced even.  I mean, I know they're trying to include me, but at this point, it's just so difficult seeing as their world now is so much different from mine. A lot of times, I don't even have a God damn clue what or who they are talking about. They always end up having to explain everything and it make me feel like I'm a stupid child or something. I get jealous every time I see photos of them having fun with new friends. I'm jealous because they still get to enjoy life as students while I work my ass off in a job I hate. I just want to experience all those things with them as well. I want to be part of that world. It just kind of sucks because right now I really feel like our friendship has a set expiration date. The distance between us is just gonna grow over time and before we know it, we are no longer even speaking to each other. It's especially hard for me because I don't really have many friends.

Part of their med week celebration is a pageant for Mr. and Ms. Med. ME was a contestant. I wanted to watch but I stopped myself. It's a school event and I didn't feel right about going. I didn't belong there. I heard from KE that he did quite well. For the talent portion, he sang and KE said he was amazing. According to her, all the girls in the crowd went wild. Why wouldn't they? I mean he is that good looking and he can sing? I later saw a video of his performance and I must say, the boy can really sing. The thought of all those girls wanting him for themselves kind of stung a little. I mean, a lot of girls probably want him and it kind of sucks knowing that you are just one of those girls who want to compete for even just a bit of attention. ME mentioned in a tweet that he loved the movie "Perks of Being A Wallflower" because he can relate to it, that he always felt like wallflower and nobody notices him. Was he kidding or what? There is no way that he doesn't get noticed. I made out with four guys in one night and he's the only one I remember. I introduced myself to him and God knows I've never ever nor will ever do that ever again with any other guy. I wonder if he really felt like that. The moment I read his tweet, all I could think about was how much I wanted to hold him and tell him that he is anything but a wallflower. That girls would willingly line up around the block for him. That he is special and anyone would be lucky to have him in their lives. I wanted to banish every negative thought he had about himself because in my eyes, he is perfect just the way he is.

By the way, before I forget, apparently he really is gay. JR's little's sister's boyfriend is ME's classmate and according to him, ME's not really secretive about it but he also doesn't go around telling people either. I kind of already suspected that but some things just don't add up. First of all, in my diligent stalking, I found out that he had at least one girlfriend in the past. Second, we made out. If he was gay, what the fuck was that all about? I'm still not sure what to make of the news. Yes, it does kind of make me feel a little stupid for obsessing over a guy who obviously will never be into me. Still, it really doesn't change how I think of him and how I feel about him. I don't even know why I'm stressing so much. I mean, it was just one night and I only talked to him for a few minutes. For all I know, he could be a total douchebag and we could have nothing in common. Plus, he is probably gay. Whatever. A girl can hope, can't she?

It's Magic When Two People...

Forgive the cheesy title. That line from the song "Got To Believe In Magic" just got me thinking. How does two people fall in love? I mean, like it says in the song, "Tell me how two people find each other, in a world that's full of strangers?". Falling in love has always been somewhat of an alien concept to me. I don't think I've ever been in love and nobody has fallen in love with me. How does two people find each other? I'm not even talking about finding someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, just someone you can have a relationship with. I guess it's easy enough to find someone to fall in love with. The hard part, I think, is finding someone you love, who will love you back. I mean, out of all the people around you, all the people you encounter every day, how do you find that person who will love you like you love them? This is strictly speaking from experience because all of the relationships I've had so far are either one sided, or imaginary. How do you get the person you love to love you back? Life would be a lot easier if there was a surefire way to make that happen.

The reason I'm wondering about this is because two of my close college friends are in a sort of unrequited love situation. One of them, RO started a friends with benefits type arrangement with an acquaintance but she ended up wanting more and the guy seems like he really doesn't want to commit. KE on the other hand, is in a totally opposite situation. She and this guy had known each other for some time, they talk regularly, they hang out with common friends and KE ended up really liking him. According to their mutual friends, the guy likes KE as well. The problem is, the guy himself has not said anything to either confirm or deny it. They still hang out occasionally but seeing as the guy has not said or done anything to progress things between them, KE is taking it a sign that he's not into her. These two very different but also very similar situations has been a cause for much drama lately. I want to help them but the hell can I do?

I guess I'm also in that kind of situation. I know I have no chance in hell with ME, but a girl can hope. RO asked me a couple of days ago if I really liked ME. The truth is I'm not entirely sure either. I just want so much for him to want me. I want someone to want me. Is that really so unreasonable? Is that too much to ask? I'm so tired of one sided attractions. I keep thinking to myself that all this waiting must be for some really good reason. There must be someone out there for me. I want to know how it feels like to be in love and to be loved back. The way things are going right now, it looks like I have a better chance of winning the lottery than finding love. Why is love so hard to find? Maybe I'm not looking hard enough, if at all. Sometimes I think it really is magic when two people fall in love.

Last Month

I've been seeing my college friends a lot these days. One of the fraternities at their school hosted a party last month and I ended up going with KE, RO, MDC and some other college friends. It was at this hip club and I usually don't like going to places like that but I thought "Hey, what the heck, the people who are gonna be there are mostly former schoolmates. At least there wouldn't be any creepers." Anyway, I ended up getting drunk. Drunk as in I barely remember what happened that night. I woke up at GG's place near her college with a massive headache and bruises on both my knees. Some images were coming up in my mind but I couldn't be sure if those things really happened or if I dreamed or imagined it. We met up with RO for  lunch and the three of us, barely remembering how we even got home, tried to piece together the events of last night. I remembered I had a camera on my purse and when I saw the photos on it, I could not fucking believe what I saw. I was so wasted. There were photos of me with this one guy. Some were innocent enough. Us talking and whatever. And then there were some where I was sitting on his lap and, my arms were all around him and his arms were around me. How the fuck did this happen? Was all I could think about.

I got home around four that afternoon. I opened my Facebook page and it was filled with notifications. Wall posts saying things like "Oooh I heard you were a wild one." and "Best night ever last night?". At that point, I was starting to panic. What the fuck did I do last night? After hearing the stories from some of my friends who didn't get a case of amnesia that night, I figured the more appropriate question was What didn't I do?
Apparently, I was sitting next to an acquaintance, CK when I noticed the guy from the photo sitting next to her. According to CK, I told her that I thought the guy was hot. Then she, being slightly buzzed herself, introduced us. I started to remember parts of what happened after that. He told me his name, where he was from and how old he was. I remembered saying that he was too young. I remembered him saying he was going to the bathroom. That was it. As I heard stories from other friends, more and more things started to make sense. As it turned out, the images in my head from that morning were neither dreamed or imagined. They actually happened. I did end up making out with that guy (ME), I did fall down my seat at the club, I did cry in LT's car and I did fall over while going up the stairs at GG's place, hence the bruises. But it gets worse. And this part, up to now, I still don't remember. The last thing I remember that happened in the club was ME saying he had to go to the bathroom. That was after I sat on his lap and had a make out session with him. That was it. That's all I remembered. I thought we went home after that. But no, apparently, after he left I ended up making out with another guy. Then another. Then another. What the fuck is wrong with me? Guy #2 and Guy#3 are ME's classmates. What a douche move on my part. At that point, DP, one my friends who were smart enough to not get wasted that night, decided it was time to go. She and LT took RO and GG to the car and left me on the couch. When they came back, I was with guy #4. According to DP, I didn't want to leave even then. She had to get another one of our guy friends to help her drag me to the car. I don't remember any of it. Not even a little. I basically made a complete fool of myself that night. Thank God I don't go to their school.

That night was all we talked about for the next few days. Just as I thought, my friends would never let me live it down. One of our friends, JR, mentioned that he thought ME was actually my date that night because we  didn't look like we just met. I looked at the photos again and again and he was right. We looked good together. We looked comfortable with each other. But then again, this may be due to the fact that I was pretty drunk. Otherwise I don't think I'd be comfortable talking to someone as good looking as ME. Oh I guess I forgot to mention that. ME is extremely good looking. All of my friends agree and they've never agreed with me about who I think is hot before. KE and him had some common friends so I wasn't that hard to track him down on Facebook. I went through his profile and well, I was kind of turned off. Yes, he was really, incredibly good looking but personality wise, I don't think we'd click. He seemed like a nice guy and all, but he also seemed like the kind of guy who knows that he's hot and he's totally owning it. I'm really not into that type of guy. Also, for someone reason, he came off as totally gay. This was later confirmed by DP who asked one of ME's friends. But still, I couldn't stop thinking about him. How could he be gay? So in a totally stupid and bordering on desperate move, I messaged him. I said I was sorry if I acted inappropriately that night blah blah blah. I waited and waited. No reply. I took it as a sign. Maybe he was also too drunk that night and he didn't even remember who I was. Maybe to him I was just that drunk girl he made out with that one time. Maybe it meant nothing to him. Maybe it shouldn't mean anything to me. After all, it was just one night, one kiss. What did I expect? Someone like him would fall for someone like me? The problem is, like I've said many times, I instantly fall for anyone who gives me the slightest bit of attention. It hurt like hell when he didn't even bother replying.

A few days after that, we organized a surprise birthday dinner for KE. It was the first time all of us got together after that night. I was pretty much the one who organized the whole thing. Mainly because I feel like I haven't been as good a friend as I should be the last couple of years. That was something I vowed to change at the start of the new year. Again as I expected, they kept making fun of me for what happened. It's kind of embarrassing and insulting. Apparently word has gotten around about my little faux pas. It kind of sucked how they made comments about how I was famous now especially among first year students (ME is a freshman in med school). I didn't say anything but I was incredibly irked. I mean, who wouldn't be? I may not go to their school but I still knew a lot of people there and those people, for all I know, might be saying things about me and what I did. And the worse part is, I still didn't even remember most of what happened that night. I was upset about it for a couple of days but I eventually got over it. Who the fuck cares anyway? I just kept thinking that years from now, I I'll probably be able to look back on it, smile and say "Those were good times".

The next week, I had to renew my license. Incidentally, the place was a mere walking distance from campus so invited MDC and RO to dinner. After we ate we hung out at the lobby of RO's place. We were seated in one of the couches with me facing the way to the elevators. We were laughing about something when all of a sudden I saw a familiar face. It took me a few seconds to realize who it was. ME looked taller than in the photos (and in my memory). He looked different with a little scruff on his face but I was sure it was him. I fell silent. Our eyes met for a second and he stopped in his tracks. It was the most awkward moment of my life. I didn't know what to do so I looked away. He continued walking towards the door to the coffee shop. A little while later, we went into the same coffee shop so RO and MDC could study a bit (okay, I sort of talked them into it). We were seated like two tables away from ME. I sat with my back to him because I really couldn't stand to look at him. You know when Angela Chase tells Jordan Catalano that he was so beautiful, it hurts to look at him? Well it's kind of like that. We sat there for hours. I waited and waited, hoping that he will notice me, talk to me. Even just a nod to acknowledge my existence would have been enough, but no. Again, I expected too much.

I told MDC that I messaged him on Facebook. None of my other friends know. It was too embarrassing. I thought he was going to scold me and say it was stupid. He didn't. He congratulated me on taking the risk. God knows I don't do that often enough. He's been telling me for a while now that it's good to leave my comfort zone sometimes. He said what I did was a big step.  I couldn't even begin to explain how relieved I was upon hearing it. I took a risk, it didn't pay off and wouldn't you know it? I was fine and the world didn't end. Sure, the rejection hurt like hell, but I'd rather have known than forever wonder what could have been. I've been there and done that. The way I see it, it was just one less "What if?". It really was a big step for me.

I still can't stop thinking about ME (gay or not). I still check his Facebook everyday. I'm pretty sure nothing could ever happen between us but a part of me, for some reason, is still hoping. Whatever happens, I'm still and will forever be glad I met him that night.

Another Year Older...

And I don't feel any wiser. It's two hours past my 24th birthday and I literally slept through the whole day. I'm a whole year older but I don't really feel any different. Things have been relatively good. And by that, I mean I haven't had any bouts of depression recently. I've been seeing my college and high school friends a lot in the past months and things with them are pretty much the same. I've been busy with a couple of things. Nonsensical things, but things nonetheless. I've read four books this past month, books whose titles I won't mention because you will judge me for even reading them at all. Sometimes I wish I could just escape into the world of the books I read. Somewhere where I play the lead and not a spectator in my own life. Somewhere where exciting and fantastical things happen to me on a regular basis. There is nothing worse than waking up one more morning and realizing that this is it, this your life. You're stuck working until you're sixty, your days are going to be filled with mindless chitchat and you'll go about your life just going through the motions. Nothing unbelievably exciting is probably going to happen and at the end of it all, you will die. The world will go on without you and you will not have had any effect on the world whatsoever. I know, it's kind of a morbid thought especially one's birthday. It's just a thought. Like I said, everything's been good lately.


Lover Boy is no longer with his girl. She left him. For another girl. Karma is a real bitch sometimes. He got his, and I'm still waiting for mine.  I feel a little hurt that he didn't even greet me a happy birthday. He probably doesn't even know it was my birthday which makes me feel bad because I always remember his. I haven't talked to him in months. I deleted his number from my phone. For real this time. I don't have any reason to talk to him anymore. I feel like that part of my life is over. I can't give him what he wants and he can't give me what I want. That's that, I guess. I'm still open to the possibility of us being friends but honestly, with our very long and complicated history, I doubt that's even possible. There are times when I miss him, when I am tempted to contact him and it takes all of my will to stop myself. This is the way it has to be. This is the best possible way things could finally end between us. For some reason, I feel relieved that he's no longer in my life. This has been the best decision I made all year. Maybe one year older did make me a little wiser.

Youth Is Wasted On The Young (aka Me)

As I may or may not have mentioned before, I pretty much spend all my free time (and I have a lot) at home, watching movies or TV shows. This has always been something I enjoyed but recently, I found myself starting to feel like I am wasting my life. I'm in my 20's, I'm single and I have a pretty well paying job. I should be out there partying, meeting new people and doing thing I was too young to do in my teens and would be too old to do in my 30's. This should be the time to explore new things, have adventures, and just go crazy. I want to do all of those things but the problem is, I have no one to do them with.  I want to dress up, go out partying and hopefully meet guys but that's not easy when your friends from high school are all in committed relationships and their idea of fun is chilling at home or going out with their guys. On the other hand, my friends from college are busy with med school and when they're not, they have their med school friends to do all those things with. That leaves just me, alone, with no one to do anything with.

Sometimes I wish I had more friends. Sometimes I wish the friends I do have, were up to doing crazy things. I want excitement in my life. I mean I do enjoy our usual videoke nights but it gets pretty tiring after several years. Can't we do something different every once in a while? Like go to a club or something? It's kind of embarrassing to admit especially at my age, but I've never gone clubbing with my friends. For many years I've told myself that it just wasn't our thing but lately I realized that yes, I do like dancing in the crowd, I do like dressing up and being ogled at by total strangers, and I do like being hit on by guys even though I would never  admit it.

I love my friends to bits. I just wish we actually did "stuff" together. Crazy stupid stuff. Stuff that we'd probably regret right after doing them. Stuff that when we are old, we can look back on, smile and say "Yeah, I was awesome back then.".

It kind of really sucks to sit at home every Friday or Saturday night. It feels like the whole world is having a huge party and you're not invited.

I'd Be Lying If I Said

"Am I not capable of love
That kind of love
That I felt when I was twenty one
Cause I'd be lyin' if I said
You're not my biggest regret
I wish that I could take it back."


Once upon a time, there was a boy. Once upon a time, this boy liked me. Once upon a time, I was young, stupid and scared. Once upon a time, I screwed everything up.

I keep telling every one that I don't really mind being single and that I actually prefer it. The thing is, I'm starting to feel the opposite. Being single gets harder as you get older. Especially when every one around you, every one you know, seem to be getting married and/or having kids.

A little over a year ago, I met someone. I'm not sure if "met" would be an appropriate term because we never actually met in person, but for the sake of convenience, let's just go with it. I think I've mentioned him in a previous post (It's not LoverBoy, who by the way, lives in a far away place now. Long story.). This guy, let's call him J42, and I met on Formspring. He claimed that he knew me through his cousin, who I went to high school with. It seemed a little fishy, I know, but I was bored so I went along with it. He knew a bunch of things about me, which at first sort of freaked me out. We got to know each other over the course of almost two months. He was very upfront about liking me from the start. I on the other hand, just enjoyed the attention. I'd never had a guy "like" me before so it was all very new and exciting for me but still, in the back of my mind, I kept thinking "Is this guy for real? Does he actually like me?". It didn't seem likely. That's how high my self esteem is. I briefly considered the possibility that maybe it was just one of my friends messing with me. They assured me it wasn't any of them.

He would ask me about my day, if I had already eaten and other little things like that and at first I found it a bit annoying but eventually, I found it kind of sweet. We liked pretty much all of the same things and whenever we had different opinions about something, well "we'll always have Muse".  Muse is both our favorite band. No matter how many things we disagreed on, we always had Muse. That's the thing I liked most about him, he never said things just to impress me and he was never afraid to disagree with me. We talked every night, sometimes until morning in YM and needless to say, I ended up falling for him (but I would never admit it at the time). I tried to act coolly, like he didn't matter to me at all. I even tried to push him away a bunch of times. At the end of the almost two months, we pretty much knew everything about each other, except he still wouldn't tell me his real name. Here I was, opening myself up to someone who wouldn't even tell me his name. I thought it was unfair. He wanted me to trust him and I wanted to, but he didn't make it very easy. All I wanted was for him to meet me halfway. If I was gonna fall, I wanted to be sure that someone would catch me.

Finally, he asked if I wanted to meet him in person. I said yes. For a while, I actually thought that I could be happy with this person. For a while, I actually thought that I could do it. That I could just close my eyes and let myself fall. God knows I wanted to. But I backed out the day before we were supposed to meet. I couldn't do it. I kept trying to make up an excuse about why I changed my mind but the simple truth was, I was scared. I was scared because it could have been potentially the start of something totally alien to me: an actual relationship. I don't know why that scared me so much. I would never ever forget what he said to me that night. I still remember every word of it.

"We have a chance at something special and you just threw it away. Well I hope you don't regret this decision. I'm done."


He never spoke to me again. It's been almost two years, but reading those words still hurt as much as the day I first read them. He was right of course. I did end up regretting my decision. I still do, every single day. I want to hate him for giving up so easily. I wanted him to wait for me, to fight for me. But I guess there's only so much a person can take. There are days when I would spend hours reading our old conversations on Formspring from start to finish, the rise and fall of our non-relationship. It makes me sad and I miss him terribly. I keep thinking about how things could have turned out if I went through with it. What if I weren't so scared back then? Would my life be different from how it is now? Would we have ended up together? That's the worst question a person can have in her life. "What if?"

Sometimes I hate myself for doing what I did. I threw away a perfectly good shot at love and happiness. I want to try and find J42 but I don't know where to start. I don't even know his real name. I wish I could go back to that summer and undo the things I did and do the things I didn't. I wish I could have another chance.

To J42, in the off chance that you might be reading this, I just want to say I'm sorry for screwing things up. I'm sorry for being scared back then, but I'm not anymore. I promise not to run away this time. If you still feel the same way about me, you know how to reach me. I'll be waiting. I miss you every day.

Some Things Old and Some Things New

T and I met up with our other friend, M, a few days back. We were pretty close back in high school but we lost touch after we graduated. I can't even remember the last time I saw M before the other night. She introduced us to her boyfriend who apparently she has been together with for many years now. We had no idea. M is a licensed nurse who works part time at Hooters. Back in high school, M was pretty much "Little Miss Perfect". Good grades, nice to everyone, comes from a conservative family, you know the type.  When T and I first found out that M was working at Hooters, we were shocked, to say the least. I admit, we even made some pretty snide comments about it.

Like I said, we hadn't seen M in forever and I thought that hanging out with her again would be a bit awkward. I was wrong. It was surprising to see that after all those years of not so much as a Hi or Hello, things were still the same. M had changed considerably since high school. She's not as stuck up and as big of a prude as she was before. I know it sounds kind of mean, but it's a compliment. She dresses sexier, she's more confident and now she can openly talk about things, that six years ago, she could not not even say out loud. She had changed but somehow, things between us were still the same. We still laugh at the same jokes, we still finish each others' sentences and everything was just like it was back when we were in high school. It's as if those six years of not talking or seeing each other didn't even happen.

M told us the story of how she and her boyfriend met. It was a really cute story and the boyfriend was a pretty great guy, in my opinion. I don't say this very often about couples, but I am genuinely happy for M and her boyfriend. She also told us that the Hooters gig was actually her second job. Turns out, her dad is sick and can't work anymore, while her mom lost her job. M works two jobs to support her family. She told us that she no longer sees any of her other friends and she felt alone and disconnected from everyone else. She told us that the only who was there for her was her boyfriend. It made me feel terrible for all the bad things I said about her working at Hooters. I felt terrible about judging her when I didn't even know what was going on in her life. Most of all, I felt terrible that I wasn't there for her. I wanted to hug her bf and tell him thank you, a million times, for being there for M when us, her friends, weren't.

I watched M and her bf all through the night with a sense of fascination as they told us their stories about each other. They said that they fight a lot but they work through it and it was strange to hear them actually owning up to their mistakes in the relationship. They make fun of each other, they joke around together and aside from being boyfriend/girlfriend, they seemed to be each other's best friend as well. They seem like they knew each other, like really knew each other, down to their deepest, darkest secrets, down to their hopes and biggest fears. I must admit, I was definitely a little jealous. I can't even imagine having that kind of relationship with anyone. I don't think I can handle another person knowing the most intimate details of my life. T and I are pretty close but there are still parts of my life, of myself, that I am not willing to share with her. I feel like there should always be a necessary amount of distance between myself and every one else in my life. This is the reason why sometimes I think I'm really better off alone. M's boyfriend, on the other hand, said that the reason I'm alone is probably because I want to be alone and it's purely by choice. I never really understand why people keep telling me that my singleness is by choice. Okay, it is by choice but only because I have no other choice. It's not like guys are lining up around the corner for me.

T mentioned that she was delayed. Almost two months delayed. She said she already took a test and it was negative but she wasn't ruling out the possibility. I wasn't sure whether I should congratulate her or not so I asked her. She told us that if it was up to her, she wouldn't want a baby yet but if she was pregnant, so be it. I asked her if her boyfriend knew. She said yes and she showed me his text message. It was reassuring to know that he is supportive and that he will be there for T whatever happens. I can't say I approve of the whole thing but that's largely due to selfish reasons. If T has a baby, everything will change and nothing will ever be the same. I keep thinking of all the things we couldn't do, all of the adventures we couldn't have if she has a baby. I don't want her to have a baby. Just trying to imagine it makes me cringe. T having a baby would be the nail in the coffin of our youth. It will once and for all set into stone the fact that we were actual adults. A fact that I'm still clearly in denial of. But of course I didn't tell her that, and no matter what happens, baby or  no baby, I will always be there for T.

After a few drinks, I did the unforgivable. I texted Lover Boy. Technically, I sent him a blank text message. He asked me where I was and before I could do anything even more stupid, I asked T to keep my phone and not to give it to me for any reason at all. I hate the fact that I was the first one to break the silence. I blame it on the alcohol. M had no idea about what has been going on between Lover Boy and me so we filled her in. Six years ago, I could never tell her any of it but now, I could go into every little detail. EVERY LITTLE DETAIL. She took it better than I expected and mad props to her boyfriend for not making me feel uncomfortable about any of it. M asked me if I had feelings for Lover Boy. My answer was an obvious fuck no. Her bf said that I probably do, or else I wouldn't stick around for as long as I have. Do I have feelings for Lover Boy? I considered the thought, but then I stopped because maybe I wouldn't like the answer. Even if I did have feelings for him, it's not like there's anything I could do about it. That night ended with me feeling victorious over the fact that he was the last to text this time and not me. Small victory, I know, but victory none the less.

He texted me earlier asking if I had work today. I told him I didn't but I was going to go see a movie with my brother. He said he had to pick up his boss from the airport but maybe we could see each other after. He didn't say it quite like that of course. His version was a bit more R13. Still, I told him okay. Because I'm stupid. About three hours ago, I asked him if he wanted to go to this place near where I live to get a drink or something. He wasn't familiar with the place so he asked me where it was. I told him and he didn't text back. After a while, it occurred to me that the place wasn't just near my house, it was also near his girlfriend's house and a lot of people we knew frequent the place. He probably didn't want to be seen with me. I will always be just his dirty little secret and you know what? I'm done and I couldn't care any less.

No Other Woman

I watched the movie "No Other Woman" with T earlier. I actually wanted to see it alone but I decided to invite her at the last minute. Big mistake, as I ended up in tears after the movie was finished. I'm not used to crying in public. I'm not used to crying at all. In the ten or so years that I've known T, I don't think I've ever cried in front of her before. Especially not because of some stupid movie. It wasn't even a particularly sad movie. I guess it's just that it sort of speaks to me. I relate to the titular "Other Woman".

Just by the title, I guess you can pretty much already tell what it's about. I was rooting for "the other woman" (who from now on shall be referred to as TOW in this post) all through the movie but that's just me being biased, given my current situation. I think she was portrayed in a positive light. A girl just like any other, who has a job, has friends, has feelings and who unfortunately and unintentionally fell in love with a man she can't have, and not some skank as most movies would have every one believe. I also liked that we get to see what it's like being on either side. Most of the time, movies show what it's like for the girl being cheated on, never what's it like for the girl he is cheating with. I like how we get to see that TOW is an actual human being.

There were particular scenes in the movie that made me really uncomfortable and almost brought me to tears. The same scenes brought about laughter from all the rest of the people at the theater. I guess it's because we view the same scenes from a different perspective. In one particular scene, the wife invites TOW to dinner, along with the husband. She makes catty remarks all night and I imagine myself being in the same position. I don't think I can take it. I felt bad for TOW when the wife tried to taunt and embarrass her and the guy doesn't even stand up for her and also had the audacity to get mad at her for admitting to the affair. I felt bad for TOW because I know that at the end of the day, things can not possibly end well for her. I felt bad for TOW because I know that whatever happens, she will lose and he will eventually go back to his wife. I felt bad for her because in a way, I am her.

T mentioned that the guy in the movie sort of reminded her of Lover Boy. Of course it did. We watched the movie in silence. She probably figured that I wanted to really take it in. The movie ended exactly how these movies are suppose to end. The guy chooses his wife, TOW decides to stay away, makes a heartfelt apology to the wife, and get this, asks that if she can't find it in her heart to forgive her, she should forgive him. I guess it just goes to show how much she actually really loved him. I was in tears at that point.

We went for yogurt after the movie. We didn't really talk much because I was a little bit awkward about crying in the theater. I just felt so bad. Lover Boy hasn't texted or called. It's been almost a month. I kind of miss him, I think. And because I am stupid, I tried adding him again in Facebook. He still hasn't accepted the friend request yet even though I know for a fact that he's been online since I sent it. His girlfriend on the other hand, accepted my friend request right away. Why did I add her? I'm not really sure. I've been checking her page every so often. I look at pictures of them together. I read their conversations. Sometimes I think I'm actually jealous. She seems like a really great girl. Someone I could actually like and be friends with. She seems really sweet and she is far more good looking than I am. Why would he cheat on her? I've often wondered that. Why does he cheat on his girlfriends? Do all guys do that? I've always wanted to ask him that but I never got the chance seeing as we really don't do much talking when we're together.

Sometimes I wonder if she knew about me, if any of them knew about me. Did I want her to know? What would happen if she did? I try to play out the possible scenarios in my head. She could publicly humiliate me. She could call me names. She could pretty much do anything she wants and she'd be entitled to them. None of those scenarios would end well for me. Just as well, because whatever Lover Boy and I had is over. At least I think it is. It's probably for the best. No, it definitely is for the best. Better now while I've still got some dignity left.

Nothing Good Happens After 2 AM

I hate myself right now. I know I said I wanted nothing to do with you anymore, but I couldn't help it. I was at a friend's house, watching DVDs and drinking a bit. I guess it's a combination of the alcohol and my loneliness that made me want to see you. I just wanted to see you. I knew what would happen if I texted you but I did it anyway. You asked if you and a friend could come over and I couldn't say no. It still amazes me how I could almost never say no to you. I told my friends you were coming. They of course, disapproved. They know what's up between you and me. They've known all these years.

It was late and the guard at the village's entrance wouldn't let you in so you asked me to come meet you outside. My friends tried to stop me. They tried to reason with me. They were right, but I didn't care. I met you outside the gate while my friends waited nearby. Your car was parked in a dark corner and you asked me to get in. I'm not stupid. I knew what I was getting myself into. I knew exactly what you wanted and what was going to happen if got in. I did anyway.

We were in the backseat and a friend of your's was "sleeping" in the front seat. I tried to make small talk. I asked you how you were. You didn't even want to bother with words. You didn't even care about the fact that there was someone else in the car. You started  kissing me and touching me. Even that didn't last long. You unzipped your pants and it doesn't take a genius to figure out what you wanted. I couldn't tell if you were enjoying it or not, but after a while, you were done. Not a minute had passed by and already, you were asking me to get out. I haven't even zipped my denim shorts yet. If a guy trying to get rid of you after giving him a blowjob in the backseat of his car in some dark corner doesn't make you feel like a cheap slut, I don't know what will.

We got out of the car and you said you were uncomfortable that my friends were waiting for me. That was your excuse for kicking me out. I said it was cool and we got in the backseat again. I sat on your lap and I started kissing you, wanting even a semblance of intimacy. I started kissing you in the neck and you told me not to leave a mark. Of course. We wouldn't want you getting caught now, would we? I was drunk and horny when we started, but at that point, I was just really annoyed. I remembered that it was your one year anniversary last week. I greeted you a happy anniversary and I asked about your girlfriend, how you met and stuff. You know, just to piss you off. You never liked talking about her with me.

You walked me back to where my friends were and you tried saying hi to them. They turned their backs and walked away. What, were you expecting a warm welcome or something? You said goodbye and I said "So, that's it?". You smiled and kissed me on the cheek. That was it. I walked back with my friends, feeling shameful and lower than ever. We got back in the house and sat around in the kitchen, completely silent. "Ok, just say it. Just say or ask what you want." I told them. They asked me if I was okay. They told me that they would never judge me and that they loved me no matter what. I wanted to cry right then and there.

It really means a lot to me that my friends have my back. They're all in a serious relationship, and in the back of my mind, I've always been afraid that they somehow resented me for what I was doing. T and R have been in similar situations before but I has a very clean slate. It's actually her that I'm most worried about. I still kind of am. They asked me if this was the last time. I'm sure it's not. I don't know why I keep letting you treat me like this. Why I keep letting you make me feel this way. It's kind of funny how I always end up hating myself after being with you and yet, I can never get myself to hate you.

I and R left around five in the morning. Me and T stayed up talking. She's the only person I can talk to about anything. There are no secrets between us and I feel like we know each other inside and out. She somehow managed to make me feel less crappy about the whole thing. I went home with a terrible headache and an even more terrible pain in my heart.

You're probably going to ignore me for a week or two or until you get bored with her again. I, on the other hand, will probably spend the next few days trying to convince myself that it meant nothing to me. That you mean nothing to me.

The Only Thing Constant

I'm not a big fan of change. I like routines. There's something comforting in having things always stay the same. I wish everything could just stay the same way forever. I feel so disconnected with every one and everything in my life. I don't work five days a week like most people and I usually have a lot of free time. The problem is, I have no one to spend all that free time with. Most of the time, I stay in bed all day. I read, I watch movies and I try to entertain myself. Sometimes I wonder if this is really all there is to life. Sometimes I don't even feel like I'm alive at all. I am neither happy nor sad. I feel like an empty shell.

My friends from college are all busy in med school, my high school friends are busy starting  their careers and I barely spend any time with my family. Every one is busy starting different lives without me in it. Every one is busy living and I wonder, when will my life begin?

Everything and every one has changed so much in the past couple years. I'm still the same. Sometimes I wonder if that's a bad thing. It feels like the whole world is moving on without me. Like I'm stuck in place, watching everything pass me by. Watching every one move forward while I get left behind.

My friends will have careers, their own families and I won't have a place in their lives.

The Love Life Predicament

I'v never been the happy-go-lucky type of person. Far from it, actually. For the longest time, I've attributed my general lack of happiness to the fact that I am single. Too much TV and romantic novels had me convinced that I will never be truly happy until I find someone. I can't even help it, it's like my mind had already been conditioned to think that way. I want to be in love. I want to be with someone. So I'm wondering, how come when I get a chance to actually meet someone, I totally balk. Like the other night, I was at a college party hosted by a friend's sorority. I drank a bit, danced and generally had a great time. By the end of the night, some guy came up to us and wanted to introduce himself and his friends. So, being the total idiot that I am, I sank back into my seat and pretended to be passed out.  What in the fuck was that? I mean, the guy was okay looking and he is in med school so why didn't I just go ahead and introduced myself. For one thing, I am really awkward when it comes introductions and introductions often lead to exchanging numbers and before you know it, you are a couple. Okay, maybe not always but you know what I mean. I am  23 years old and I'm still not fully comfortable with the idea of dating someone.

Another good example is last summer when I met this guy online. He messaged me on this site and told me that he saw me earlier that day while he was out with his cousin, who I went to high school with. We IM'd for a month or so and in all that time, he never told me who he was. It was sort of unfair, really. He knew a lot of things about me and I didn't even know his name. I didn't care though. We had the same taste in music and we almost never ran out of things to talk about. After a while, he asked to meet me in person. I wanted to do it. I liked him. I said no. Because I am an idiot. It's just that I couldn't help thinking, what if I didn't like him as much in person? Or worse, what if he didn't like me? I didn't think I could handle that. Or what if it was just some idiot's idea of a joke? Just to see if I would actually show up or not?

I think all of this boils down to me having trust and self esteem issues. Which is also why I'm probably going to end up alone. But you know what? despite what everybody seem to think or say, being alone is really not so bad. Most of the time, anyway. Sure it would be nice to have someone to go on dates with, someone to have late night conversations with and someone to be intimate with. But I guess even if I never have any of that, it wouldn't be the end of the world. I want to be in a relationship but I'm not gonna go out of my way to look for it. It will happen when it will happen.

Cutting Ties

I turned 23 a couple days ago and I've recently realized that I don't exactly like how my life is turning out. I could easily put the blame on certain circumstances and on life being life but the truth is, there really is no one to blame but myself. That's why I've decided to make some improvements in my life, which happens to be the reason why I started this blog. I just thought it would be a good place to chart my progress, to rant about frustrations and basically to chronicle my journey to becoming the 2.0 version of myself.

I want to be a better person, so I figured the first thing I have to do is cut ties with people who do nothing but bring out the worst in me. There is definitely more than one person that should be on this list but I'm starting with you, Lover Boy.

We have had a connection for as long as I could remember yet somehow, we never really got together. Why? Because you only wanted me when you couldn't have me. Every time your relationships got a little too boring for you, you sought me out. For the longest time, I played along with your stupid games, even though I kept on losing. I was young. I was stupid. I had low self esteem and I desperately wanted to feel wanted. You took advantage of that. That was how you made me feel. Like I was someone worthy of attention. Of course that is before you completely ignore me again for months at a time. I didn't mind though. At least I thought I didn't. After all, what's a few flirty text messages and occasional fooling around anyway? I would call you when I was a little drunk and you would do the same. We make out, we fool around but we've never gone all the way. I thought I was okay with all of that, hooking up with you with no strings attached. But no, I've always felt guilty about it afterward. You have cheated on all of your girlfriends since high school. With me. What exactly does that make me? A slut? Maybe. But never once did you make feel like that and I appreciated it. I'll give credit where credit is due, you knew the real me and you accepted that.

You are one of the only people who know that side of me and you don't judge me for it (at least I didn't think so). That's how I justified what we were doing. We were friends. With a little benefit every now and then. But we're not friends at all are we, Lover Boy? One day you asked if I wanted to go out. That day happened to be my birthday. I thought you knew, but you didn't. You just wanted to hook up. You, Love, are an ass.

Just recently, you asked me what I did for work. I distinctly remember telling you that a couple of times before. You don't know where I live, you don't even remember where I went to college. You never seem to remember anything I tell you. After almost ten years of "friendship", you know nothing about me. And as it turns out, I know nothing about you as well. Were we really ever friends? I think we just keep using that word as a better substitute for what we really are. We are not friends. Our relationship was formed for all the wrong reasons. You wanted someone to break the monotony of your relationships and I wanted to feel validated.

The other day, you said you wanted to meet up. You are actually a semi decent person and I thought that if we try, we could actually be friends. We hadn't seen each other in a while so I agreed. You said you wanted to be alone with me. You asked if I were home alone. You asked if you could come over. I'm not going into the details of that conversation but what happens next is partly my fault. I'm sorry if I led you on. You probably think I'm a tease, don't you? Like I said, I know it's partly my fault but I was somehow insulted when you asked me if I wanted to go to a motel with you. Is that really what you thought of me? The first few times we fooled around were at parties, at friends' houses. It felt innocent, natural. Things like that happen all the time. You mentioned you were also home alone and still, you invited me to a motel. If back then you didn't make me feel like a slut, well congratulations, you do now. I felt so cheap. I said no but you kept pushing it. That really is all I am to you, isn't it?

Did I ever tell you that I cried after the first time we fooled around? I was fifteen then and you were the first guy I did anything with. It was summer before senior year on our class trip. We were alone in the pool and you started touching me. I objected at first but being a hormone filled teenager, I eventually relented. We didn't really go very far but I cried in the shower afterward. I don't know why I let it happen again and again. In a way, I guess you somehow "damaged" me.

Back then, I mistakenly though that I want the same thing you wanted, but I was wrong. You wanted sex, I wanted a relationship. I want romance. I want fireworks. I want the whole Disney happily ever after ending. I want to be treated like a Princess, not some cheap whore that you can discard after you're done.

So I guess this is goodbye, Lover Boy. I've blocked you on facebook and I've deleted your number from my phone. You will always be my first and I will never forget you. I genuinely wish for your happiness. On days that you are feeling the urge to cheat on your girlfriend, don't come looking for that girl you used to hook up with because she doesn't live here anymore.