Nothing Good Happens After 2 AM

I hate myself right now. I know I said I wanted nothing to do with you anymore, but I couldn't help it. I was at a friend's house, watching DVDs and drinking a bit. I guess it's a combination of the alcohol and my loneliness that made me want to see you. I just wanted to see you. I knew what would happen if I texted you but I did it anyway. You asked if you and a friend could come over and I couldn't say no. It still amazes me how I could almost never say no to you. I told my friends you were coming. They of course, disapproved. They know what's up between you and me. They've known all these years.

It was late and the guard at the village's entrance wouldn't let you in so you asked me to come meet you outside. My friends tried to stop me. They tried to reason with me. They were right, but I didn't care. I met you outside the gate while my friends waited nearby. Your car was parked in a dark corner and you asked me to get in. I'm not stupid. I knew what I was getting myself into. I knew exactly what you wanted and what was going to happen if got in. I did anyway.

We were in the backseat and a friend of your's was "sleeping" in the front seat. I tried to make small talk. I asked you how you were. You didn't even want to bother with words. You didn't even care about the fact that there was someone else in the car. You started  kissing me and touching me. Even that didn't last long. You unzipped your pants and it doesn't take a genius to figure out what you wanted. I couldn't tell if you were enjoying it or not, but after a while, you were done. Not a minute had passed by and already, you were asking me to get out. I haven't even zipped my denim shorts yet. If a guy trying to get rid of you after giving him a blowjob in the backseat of his car in some dark corner doesn't make you feel like a cheap slut, I don't know what will.

We got out of the car and you said you were uncomfortable that my friends were waiting for me. That was your excuse for kicking me out. I said it was cool and we got in the backseat again. I sat on your lap and I started kissing you, wanting even a semblance of intimacy. I started kissing you in the neck and you told me not to leave a mark. Of course. We wouldn't want you getting caught now, would we? I was drunk and horny when we started, but at that point, I was just really annoyed. I remembered that it was your one year anniversary last week. I greeted you a happy anniversary and I asked about your girlfriend, how you met and stuff. You know, just to piss you off. You never liked talking about her with me.

You walked me back to where my friends were and you tried saying hi to them. They turned their backs and walked away. What, were you expecting a warm welcome or something? You said goodbye and I said "So, that's it?". You smiled and kissed me on the cheek. That was it. I walked back with my friends, feeling shameful and lower than ever. We got back in the house and sat around in the kitchen, completely silent. "Ok, just say it. Just say or ask what you want." I told them. They asked me if I was okay. They told me that they would never judge me and that they loved me no matter what. I wanted to cry right then and there.

It really means a lot to me that my friends have my back. They're all in a serious relationship, and in the back of my mind, I've always been afraid that they somehow resented me for what I was doing. T and R have been in similar situations before but I has a very clean slate. It's actually her that I'm most worried about. I still kind of am. They asked me if this was the last time. I'm sure it's not. I don't know why I keep letting you treat me like this. Why I keep letting you make me feel this way. It's kind of funny how I always end up hating myself after being with you and yet, I can never get myself to hate you.

I and R left around five in the morning. Me and T stayed up talking. She's the only person I can talk to about anything. There are no secrets between us and I feel like we know each other inside and out. She somehow managed to make me feel less crappy about the whole thing. I went home with a terrible headache and an even more terrible pain in my heart.

You're probably going to ignore me for a week or two or until you get bored with her again. I, on the other hand, will probably spend the next few days trying to convince myself that it meant nothing to me. That you mean nothing to me.

The Only Thing Constant

I'm not a big fan of change. I like routines. There's something comforting in having things always stay the same. I wish everything could just stay the same way forever. I feel so disconnected with every one and everything in my life. I don't work five days a week like most people and I usually have a lot of free time. The problem is, I have no one to spend all that free time with. Most of the time, I stay in bed all day. I read, I watch movies and I try to entertain myself. Sometimes I wonder if this is really all there is to life. Sometimes I don't even feel like I'm alive at all. I am neither happy nor sad. I feel like an empty shell.

My friends from college are all busy in med school, my high school friends are busy starting  their careers and I barely spend any time with my family. Every one is busy starting different lives without me in it. Every one is busy living and I wonder, when will my life begin?

Everything and every one has changed so much in the past couple years. I'm still the same. Sometimes I wonder if that's a bad thing. It feels like the whole world is moving on without me. Like I'm stuck in place, watching everything pass me by. Watching every one move forward while I get left behind.

My friends will have careers, their own families and I won't have a place in their lives.

The Love Life Predicament

I'v never been the happy-go-lucky type of person. Far from it, actually. For the longest time, I've attributed my general lack of happiness to the fact that I am single. Too much TV and romantic novels had me convinced that I will never be truly happy until I find someone. I can't even help it, it's like my mind had already been conditioned to think that way. I want to be in love. I want to be with someone. So I'm wondering, how come when I get a chance to actually meet someone, I totally balk. Like the other night, I was at a college party hosted by a friend's sorority. I drank a bit, danced and generally had a great time. By the end of the night, some guy came up to us and wanted to introduce himself and his friends. So, being the total idiot that I am, I sank back into my seat and pretended to be passed out.  What in the fuck was that? I mean, the guy was okay looking and he is in med school so why didn't I just go ahead and introduced myself. For one thing, I am really awkward when it comes introductions and introductions often lead to exchanging numbers and before you know it, you are a couple. Okay, maybe not always but you know what I mean. I am  23 years old and I'm still not fully comfortable with the idea of dating someone.

Another good example is last summer when I met this guy online. He messaged me on this site and told me that he saw me earlier that day while he was out with his cousin, who I went to high school with. We IM'd for a month or so and in all that time, he never told me who he was. It was sort of unfair, really. He knew a lot of things about me and I didn't even know his name. I didn't care though. We had the same taste in music and we almost never ran out of things to talk about. After a while, he asked to meet me in person. I wanted to do it. I liked him. I said no. Because I am an idiot. It's just that I couldn't help thinking, what if I didn't like him as much in person? Or worse, what if he didn't like me? I didn't think I could handle that. Or what if it was just some idiot's idea of a joke? Just to see if I would actually show up or not?

I think all of this boils down to me having trust and self esteem issues. Which is also why I'm probably going to end up alone. But you know what? despite what everybody seem to think or say, being alone is really not so bad. Most of the time, anyway. Sure it would be nice to have someone to go on dates with, someone to have late night conversations with and someone to be intimate with. But I guess even if I never have any of that, it wouldn't be the end of the world. I want to be in a relationship but I'm not gonna go out of my way to look for it. It will happen when it will happen.

Cutting Ties

I turned 23 a couple days ago and I've recently realized that I don't exactly like how my life is turning out. I could easily put the blame on certain circumstances and on life being life but the truth is, there really is no one to blame but myself. That's why I've decided to make some improvements in my life, which happens to be the reason why I started this blog. I just thought it would be a good place to chart my progress, to rant about frustrations and basically to chronicle my journey to becoming the 2.0 version of myself.

I want to be a better person, so I figured the first thing I have to do is cut ties with people who do nothing but bring out the worst in me. There is definitely more than one person that should be on this list but I'm starting with you, Lover Boy.

We have had a connection for as long as I could remember yet somehow, we never really got together. Why? Because you only wanted me when you couldn't have me. Every time your relationships got a little too boring for you, you sought me out. For the longest time, I played along with your stupid games, even though I kept on losing. I was young. I was stupid. I had low self esteem and I desperately wanted to feel wanted. You took advantage of that. That was how you made me feel. Like I was someone worthy of attention. Of course that is before you completely ignore me again for months at a time. I didn't mind though. At least I thought I didn't. After all, what's a few flirty text messages and occasional fooling around anyway? I would call you when I was a little drunk and you would do the same. We make out, we fool around but we've never gone all the way. I thought I was okay with all of that, hooking up with you with no strings attached. But no, I've always felt guilty about it afterward. You have cheated on all of your girlfriends since high school. With me. What exactly does that make me? A slut? Maybe. But never once did you make feel like that and I appreciated it. I'll give credit where credit is due, you knew the real me and you accepted that.

You are one of the only people who know that side of me and you don't judge me for it (at least I didn't think so). That's how I justified what we were doing. We were friends. With a little benefit every now and then. But we're not friends at all are we, Lover Boy? One day you asked if I wanted to go out. That day happened to be my birthday. I thought you knew, but you didn't. You just wanted to hook up. You, Love, are an ass.

Just recently, you asked me what I did for work. I distinctly remember telling you that a couple of times before. You don't know where I live, you don't even remember where I went to college. You never seem to remember anything I tell you. After almost ten years of "friendship", you know nothing about me. And as it turns out, I know nothing about you as well. Were we really ever friends? I think we just keep using that word as a better substitute for what we really are. We are not friends. Our relationship was formed for all the wrong reasons. You wanted someone to break the monotony of your relationships and I wanted to feel validated.

The other day, you said you wanted to meet up. You are actually a semi decent person and I thought that if we try, we could actually be friends. We hadn't seen each other in a while so I agreed. You said you wanted to be alone with me. You asked if I were home alone. You asked if you could come over. I'm not going into the details of that conversation but what happens next is partly my fault. I'm sorry if I led you on. You probably think I'm a tease, don't you? Like I said, I know it's partly my fault but I was somehow insulted when you asked me if I wanted to go to a motel with you. Is that really what you thought of me? The first few times we fooled around were at parties, at friends' houses. It felt innocent, natural. Things like that happen all the time. You mentioned you were also home alone and still, you invited me to a motel. If back then you didn't make me feel like a slut, well congratulations, you do now. I felt so cheap. I said no but you kept pushing it. That really is all I am to you, isn't it?

Did I ever tell you that I cried after the first time we fooled around? I was fifteen then and you were the first guy I did anything with. It was summer before senior year on our class trip. We were alone in the pool and you started touching me. I objected at first but being a hormone filled teenager, I eventually relented. We didn't really go very far but I cried in the shower afterward. I don't know why I let it happen again and again. In a way, I guess you somehow "damaged" me.

Back then, I mistakenly though that I want the same thing you wanted, but I was wrong. You wanted sex, I wanted a relationship. I want romance. I want fireworks. I want the whole Disney happily ever after ending. I want to be treated like a Princess, not some cheap whore that you can discard after you're done.

So I guess this is goodbye, Lover Boy. I've blocked you on facebook and I've deleted your number from my phone. You will always be my first and I will never forget you. I genuinely wish for your happiness. On days that you are feeling the urge to cheat on your girlfriend, don't come looking for that girl you used to hook up with because she doesn't live here anymore.