College friends have been too busy with med week activities these past few days. It's times like these that make me wish I had gone to med school with them. I'm so jealous that they get to have all these new experiences, get to meet new friends and I'm not a part of all of it. I try to come to their events as much as I can. I try to hang out with them whenever I can. I want to be there. I want to be a part of their lives. I don't want to slowly slip away and be forgotten as they move on. To be honest, it's getting harder and harder for me to keep up with them. The conversations tend to get repetitive, sometimes forced even. I mean, I know they're trying to include me, but at this point, it's just so difficult seeing as their world now is so much different from mine. A lot of times, I don't even have a God damn clue what or who they are talking about. They always end up having to explain everything and it make me feel like I'm a stupid child or something. I get jealous every time I see photos of them having fun with new friends. I'm jealous because they still get to enjoy life as students while I work my ass off in a job I hate. I just want to experience all those things with them as well. I want to be part of that world. It just kind of sucks because right now I really feel like our friendship has a set expiration date. The distance between us is just gonna grow over time and before we know it, we are no longer even speaking to each other. It's especially hard for me because I don't really have many friends.
Part of their med week celebration is a pageant for Mr. and Ms. Med. ME was a contestant. I wanted to watch but I stopped myself. It's a school event and I didn't feel right about going. I didn't belong there. I heard from KE that he did quite well. For the talent portion, he sang and KE said he was amazing. According to her, all the girls in the crowd went wild. Why wouldn't they? I mean he is that good looking and he can sing? I later saw a video of his performance and I must say, the boy can really sing. The thought of all those girls wanting him for themselves kind of stung a little. I mean, a lot of girls probably want him and it kind of sucks knowing that you are just one of those girls who want to compete for even just a bit of attention. ME mentioned in a tweet that he loved the movie "Perks of Being A Wallflower" because he can relate to it, that he always felt like wallflower and nobody notices him. Was he kidding or what? There is no way that he doesn't get noticed. I made out with four guys in one night and he's the only one I remember. I introduced myself to him and God knows I've never ever nor will ever do that ever again with any other guy. I wonder if he really felt like that. The moment I read his tweet, all I could think about was how much I wanted to hold him and tell him that he is anything but a wallflower. That girls would willingly line up around the block for him. That he is special and anyone would be lucky to have him in their lives. I wanted to banish every negative thought he had about himself because in my eyes, he is perfect just the way he is.
By the way, before I forget, apparently he really is gay. JR's little's sister's boyfriend is ME's classmate and according to him, ME's not really secretive about it but he also doesn't go around telling people either. I kind of already suspected that but some things just don't add up. First of all, in my diligent stalking, I found out that he had at least one girlfriend in the past. Second, we made out. If he was gay, what the fuck was that all about? I'm still not sure what to make of the news. Yes, it does kind of make me feel a little stupid for obsessing over a guy who obviously will never be into me. Still, it really doesn't change how I think of him and how I feel about him. I don't even know why I'm stressing so much. I mean, it was just one night and I only talked to him for a few minutes. For all I know, he could be a total douchebag and we could have nothing in common. Plus, he is probably gay. Whatever. A girl can hope, can't she?
Friday, September 28, 2012
Monday, September 24, 2012
It's Magic When Two People...
Forgive the cheesy title. That line from the song "Got To Believe In Magic" just got me thinking. How does two people fall in love? I mean, like it says in the song, "Tell me how two people find each other, in a world that's full of strangers?". Falling in love has always been somewhat of an alien concept to me. I don't think I've ever been in love and nobody has fallen in love with me. How does two people find each other? I'm not even talking about finding someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, just someone you can have a relationship with. I guess it's easy enough to find someone to fall in love with. The hard part, I think, is finding someone you love, who will love you back. I mean, out of all the people around you, all the people you encounter every day, how do you find that person who will love you like you love them? This is strictly speaking from experience because all of the relationships I've had so far are either one sided, or imaginary. How do you get the person you love to love you back? Life would be a lot easier if there was a surefire way to make that happen.
The reason I'm wondering about this is because two of my close college friends are in a sort of unrequited love situation. One of them, RO started a friends with benefits type arrangement with an acquaintance but she ended up wanting more and the guy seems like he really doesn't want to commit. KE on the other hand, is in a totally opposite situation. She and this guy had known each other for some time, they talk regularly, they hang out with common friends and KE ended up really liking him. According to their mutual friends, the guy likes KE as well. The problem is, the guy himself has not said anything to either confirm or deny it. They still hang out occasionally but seeing as the guy has not said or done anything to progress things between them, KE is taking it a sign that he's not into her. These two very different but also very similar situations has been a cause for much drama lately. I want to help them but the hell can I do?
I guess I'm also in that kind of situation. I know I have no chance in hell with ME, but a girl can hope. RO asked me a couple of days ago if I really liked ME. The truth is I'm not entirely sure either. I just want so much for him to want me. I want someone to want me. Is that really so unreasonable? Is that too much to ask? I'm so tired of one sided attractions. I keep thinking to myself that all this waiting must be for some really good reason. There must be someone out there for me. I want to know how it feels like to be in love and to be loved back. The way things are going right now, it looks like I have a better chance of winning the lottery than finding love. Why is love so hard to find? Maybe I'm not looking hard enough, if at all. Sometimes I think it really is magic when two people fall in love.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Last Month
I've been seeing my college friends a lot these days. One of the fraternities at their school hosted a party last month and I ended up going with KE, RO, MDC and some other college friends. It was at this hip club and I usually don't like going to places like that but I thought "Hey, what the heck, the people who are gonna be there are mostly former schoolmates. At least there wouldn't be any creepers." Anyway, I ended up getting drunk. Drunk as in I barely remember what happened that night. I woke up at GG's place near her college with a massive headache and bruises on both my knees. Some images were coming up in my mind but I couldn't be sure if those things really happened or if I dreamed or imagined it. We met up with RO for lunch and the three of us, barely remembering how we even got home, tried to piece together the events of last night. I remembered I had a camera on my purse and when I saw the photos on it, I could not fucking believe what I saw. I was so wasted. There were photos of me with this one guy. Some were innocent enough. Us talking and whatever. And then there were some where I was sitting on his lap and, my arms were all around him and his arms were around me. How the fuck did this happen? Was all I could think about.
I got home around four that afternoon. I opened my Facebook page and it was filled with notifications. Wall posts saying things like "Oooh I heard you were a wild one." and "Best night ever last night?". At that point, I was starting to panic. What the fuck did I do last night? After hearing the stories from some of my friends who didn't get a case of amnesia that night, I figured the more appropriate question was What didn't I do?
Apparently, I was sitting next to an acquaintance, CK when I noticed the guy from the photo sitting next to her. According to CK, I told her that I thought the guy was hot. Then she, being slightly buzzed herself, introduced us. I started to remember parts of what happened after that. He told me his name, where he was from and how old he was. I remembered saying that he was too young. I remembered him saying he was going to the bathroom. That was it. As I heard stories from other friends, more and more things started to make sense. As it turned out, the images in my head from that morning were neither dreamed or imagined. They actually happened. I did end up making out with that guy (ME), I did fall down my seat at the club, I did cry in LT's car and I did fall over while going up the stairs at GG's place, hence the bruises. But it gets worse. And this part, up to now, I still don't remember. The last thing I remember that happened in the club was ME saying he had to go to the bathroom. That was after I sat on his lap and had a make out session with him. That was it. That's all I remembered. I thought we went home after that. But no, apparently, after he left I ended up making out with another guy. Then another. Then another. What the fuck is wrong with me? Guy #2 and Guy#3 are ME's classmates. What a douche move on my part. At that point, DP, one my friends who were smart enough to not get wasted that night, decided it was time to go. She and LT took RO and GG to the car and left me on the couch. When they came back, I was with guy #4. According to DP, I didn't want to leave even then. She had to get another one of our guy friends to help her drag me to the car. I don't remember any of it. Not even a little. I basically made a complete fool of myself that night. Thank God I don't go to their school.
That night was all we talked about for the next few days. Just as I thought, my friends would never let me live it down. One of our friends, JR, mentioned that he thought ME was actually my date that night because we didn't look like we just met. I looked at the photos again and again and he was right. We looked good together. We looked comfortable with each other. But then again, this may be due to the fact that I was pretty drunk. Otherwise I don't think I'd be comfortable talking to someone as good looking as ME. Oh I guess I forgot to mention that. ME is extremely good looking. All of my friends agree and they've never agreed with me about who I think is hot before. KE and him had some common friends so I wasn't that hard to track him down on Facebook. I went through his profile and well, I was kind of turned off. Yes, he was really, incredibly good looking but personality wise, I don't think we'd click. He seemed like a nice guy and all, but he also seemed like the kind of guy who knows that he's hot and he's totally owning it. I'm really not into that type of guy. Also, for someone reason, he came off as totally gay. This was later confirmed by DP who asked one of ME's friends. But still, I couldn't stop thinking about him. How could he be gay? So in a totally stupid and bordering on desperate move, I messaged him. I said I was sorry if I acted inappropriately that night blah blah blah. I waited and waited. No reply. I took it as a sign. Maybe he was also too drunk that night and he didn't even remember who I was. Maybe to him I was just that drunk girl he made out with that one time. Maybe it meant nothing to him. Maybe it shouldn't mean anything to me. After all, it was just one night, one kiss. What did I expect? Someone like him would fall for someone like me? The problem is, like I've said many times, I instantly fall for anyone who gives me the slightest bit of attention. It hurt like hell when he didn't even bother replying.
A few days after that, we organized a surprise birthday dinner for KE. It was the first time all of us got together after that night. I was pretty much the one who organized the whole thing. Mainly because I feel like I haven't been as good a friend as I should be the last couple of years. That was something I vowed to change at the start of the new year. Again as I expected, they kept making fun of me for what happened. It's kind of embarrassing and insulting. Apparently word has gotten around about my little faux pas. It kind of sucked how they made comments about how I was famous now especially among first year students (ME is a freshman in med school). I didn't say anything but I was incredibly irked. I mean, who wouldn't be? I may not go to their school but I still knew a lot of people there and those people, for all I know, might be saying things about me and what I did. And the worse part is, I still didn't even remember most of what happened that night. I was upset about it for a couple of days but I eventually got over it. Who the fuck cares anyway? I just kept thinking that years from now, I I'll probably be able to look back on it, smile and say "Those were good times".
The next week, I had to renew my license. Incidentally, the place was a mere walking distance from campus so invited MDC and RO to dinner. After we ate we hung out at the lobby of RO's place. We were seated in one of the couches with me facing the way to the elevators. We were laughing about something when all of a sudden I saw a familiar face. It took me a few seconds to realize who it was. ME looked taller than in the photos (and in my memory). He looked different with a little scruff on his face but I was sure it was him. I fell silent. Our eyes met for a second and he stopped in his tracks. It was the most awkward moment of my life. I didn't know what to do so I looked away. He continued walking towards the door to the coffee shop. A little while later, we went into the same coffee shop so RO and MDC could study a bit (okay, I sort of talked them into it). We were seated like two tables away from ME. I sat with my back to him because I really couldn't stand to look at him. You know when Angela Chase tells Jordan Catalano that he was so beautiful, it hurts to look at him? Well it's kind of like that. We sat there for hours. I waited and waited, hoping that he will notice me, talk to me. Even just a nod to acknowledge my existence would have been enough, but no. Again, I expected too much.
I told MDC that I messaged him on Facebook. None of my other friends know. It was too embarrassing. I thought he was going to scold me and say it was stupid. He didn't. He congratulated me on taking the risk. God knows I don't do that often enough. He's been telling me for a while now that it's good to leave my comfort zone sometimes. He said what I did was a big step. I couldn't even begin to explain how relieved I was upon hearing it. I took a risk, it didn't pay off and wouldn't you know it? I was fine and the world didn't end. Sure, the rejection hurt like hell, but I'd rather have known than forever wonder what could have been. I've been there and done that. The way I see it, it was just one less "What if?". It really was a big step for me.
I still can't stop thinking about ME (gay or not). I still check his Facebook everyday. I'm pretty sure nothing could ever happen between us but a part of me, for some reason, is still hoping. Whatever happens, I'm still and will forever be glad I met him that night.
I got home around four that afternoon. I opened my Facebook page and it was filled with notifications. Wall posts saying things like "Oooh I heard you were a wild one." and "Best night ever last night?". At that point, I was starting to panic. What the fuck did I do last night? After hearing the stories from some of my friends who didn't get a case of amnesia that night, I figured the more appropriate question was What didn't I do?
Apparently, I was sitting next to an acquaintance, CK when I noticed the guy from the photo sitting next to her. According to CK, I told her that I thought the guy was hot. Then she, being slightly buzzed herself, introduced us. I started to remember parts of what happened after that. He told me his name, where he was from and how old he was. I remembered saying that he was too young. I remembered him saying he was going to the bathroom. That was it. As I heard stories from other friends, more and more things started to make sense. As it turned out, the images in my head from that morning were neither dreamed or imagined. They actually happened. I did end up making out with that guy (ME), I did fall down my seat at the club, I did cry in LT's car and I did fall over while going up the stairs at GG's place, hence the bruises. But it gets worse. And this part, up to now, I still don't remember. The last thing I remember that happened in the club was ME saying he had to go to the bathroom. That was after I sat on his lap and had a make out session with him. That was it. That's all I remembered. I thought we went home after that. But no, apparently, after he left I ended up making out with another guy. Then another. Then another. What the fuck is wrong with me? Guy #2 and Guy#3 are ME's classmates. What a douche move on my part. At that point, DP, one my friends who were smart enough to not get wasted that night, decided it was time to go. She and LT took RO and GG to the car and left me on the couch. When they came back, I was with guy #4. According to DP, I didn't want to leave even then. She had to get another one of our guy friends to help her drag me to the car. I don't remember any of it. Not even a little. I basically made a complete fool of myself that night. Thank God I don't go to their school.
That night was all we talked about for the next few days. Just as I thought, my friends would never let me live it down. One of our friends, JR, mentioned that he thought ME was actually my date that night because we didn't look like we just met. I looked at the photos again and again and he was right. We looked good together. We looked comfortable with each other. But then again, this may be due to the fact that I was pretty drunk. Otherwise I don't think I'd be comfortable talking to someone as good looking as ME. Oh I guess I forgot to mention that. ME is extremely good looking. All of my friends agree and they've never agreed with me about who I think is hot before. KE and him had some common friends so I wasn't that hard to track him down on Facebook. I went through his profile and well, I was kind of turned off. Yes, he was really, incredibly good looking but personality wise, I don't think we'd click. He seemed like a nice guy and all, but he also seemed like the kind of guy who knows that he's hot and he's totally owning it. I'm really not into that type of guy. Also, for someone reason, he came off as totally gay. This was later confirmed by DP who asked one of ME's friends. But still, I couldn't stop thinking about him. How could he be gay? So in a totally stupid and bordering on desperate move, I messaged him. I said I was sorry if I acted inappropriately that night blah blah blah. I waited and waited. No reply. I took it as a sign. Maybe he was also too drunk that night and he didn't even remember who I was. Maybe to him I was just that drunk girl he made out with that one time. Maybe it meant nothing to him. Maybe it shouldn't mean anything to me. After all, it was just one night, one kiss. What did I expect? Someone like him would fall for someone like me? The problem is, like I've said many times, I instantly fall for anyone who gives me the slightest bit of attention. It hurt like hell when he didn't even bother replying.
A few days after that, we organized a surprise birthday dinner for KE. It was the first time all of us got together after that night. I was pretty much the one who organized the whole thing. Mainly because I feel like I haven't been as good a friend as I should be the last couple of years. That was something I vowed to change at the start of the new year. Again as I expected, they kept making fun of me for what happened. It's kind of embarrassing and insulting. Apparently word has gotten around about my little faux pas. It kind of sucked how they made comments about how I was famous now especially among first year students (ME is a freshman in med school). I didn't say anything but I was incredibly irked. I mean, who wouldn't be? I may not go to their school but I still knew a lot of people there and those people, for all I know, might be saying things about me and what I did. And the worse part is, I still didn't even remember most of what happened that night. I was upset about it for a couple of days but I eventually got over it. Who the fuck cares anyway? I just kept thinking that years from now, I I'll probably be able to look back on it, smile and say "Those were good times".
The next week, I had to renew my license. Incidentally, the place was a mere walking distance from campus so invited MDC and RO to dinner. After we ate we hung out at the lobby of RO's place. We were seated in one of the couches with me facing the way to the elevators. We were laughing about something when all of a sudden I saw a familiar face. It took me a few seconds to realize who it was. ME looked taller than in the photos (and in my memory). He looked different with a little scruff on his face but I was sure it was him. I fell silent. Our eyes met for a second and he stopped in his tracks. It was the most awkward moment of my life. I didn't know what to do so I looked away. He continued walking towards the door to the coffee shop. A little while later, we went into the same coffee shop so RO and MDC could study a bit (okay, I sort of talked them into it). We were seated like two tables away from ME. I sat with my back to him because I really couldn't stand to look at him. You know when Angela Chase tells Jordan Catalano that he was so beautiful, it hurts to look at him? Well it's kind of like that. We sat there for hours. I waited and waited, hoping that he will notice me, talk to me. Even just a nod to acknowledge my existence would have been enough, but no. Again, I expected too much.
I told MDC that I messaged him on Facebook. None of my other friends know. It was too embarrassing. I thought he was going to scold me and say it was stupid. He didn't. He congratulated me on taking the risk. God knows I don't do that often enough. He's been telling me for a while now that it's good to leave my comfort zone sometimes. He said what I did was a big step. I couldn't even begin to explain how relieved I was upon hearing it. I took a risk, it didn't pay off and wouldn't you know it? I was fine and the world didn't end. Sure, the rejection hurt like hell, but I'd rather have known than forever wonder what could have been. I've been there and done that. The way I see it, it was just one less "What if?". It really was a big step for me.
I still can't stop thinking about ME (gay or not). I still check his Facebook everyday. I'm pretty sure nothing could ever happen between us but a part of me, for some reason, is still hoping. Whatever happens, I'm still and will forever be glad I met him that night.
Friday, July 27, 2012
Another Year Older...
And I don't feel any wiser. It's two hours past my 24th birthday and I literally slept through the whole day. I'm a whole year older but I don't really feel any different. Things have been relatively good. And by that, I mean I haven't had any bouts of depression recently. I've been seeing my college and high school friends a lot in the past months and things with them are pretty much the same. I've been busy with a couple of things. Nonsensical things, but things nonetheless. I've read four books this past month, books whose titles I won't mention because you will judge me for even reading them at all. Sometimes I wish I could just escape into the world of the books I read. Somewhere where I play the lead and not a spectator in my own life. Somewhere where exciting and fantastical things happen to me on a regular basis. There is nothing worse than waking up one more morning and realizing that this is it, this your life. You're stuck working until you're sixty, your days are going to be filled with mindless chitchat and you'll go about your life just going through the motions. Nothing unbelievably exciting is probably going to happen and at the end of it all, you will die. The world will go on without you and you will not have had any effect on the world whatsoever. I know, it's kind of a morbid thought especially one's birthday. It's just a thought. Like I said, everything's been good lately.
Lover Boy is no longer with his girl. She left him. For another girl. Karma is a real bitch sometimes. He got his, and I'm still waiting for mine. I feel a little hurt that he didn't even greet me a happy birthday. He probably doesn't even know it was my birthday which makes me feel bad because I always remember his. I haven't talked to him in months. I deleted his number from my phone. For real this time. I don't have any reason to talk to him anymore. I feel like that part of my life is over. I can't give him what he wants and he can't give me what I want. That's that, I guess. I'm still open to the possibility of us being friends but honestly, with our very long and complicated history, I doubt that's even possible. There are times when I miss him, when I am tempted to contact him and it takes all of my will to stop myself. This is the way it has to be. This is the best possible way things could finally end between us. For some reason, I feel relieved that he's no longer in my life. This has been the best decision I made all year. Maybe one year older did make me a little wiser.
Lover Boy is no longer with his girl. She left him. For another girl. Karma is a real bitch sometimes. He got his, and I'm still waiting for mine. I feel a little hurt that he didn't even greet me a happy birthday. He probably doesn't even know it was my birthday which makes me feel bad because I always remember his. I haven't talked to him in months. I deleted his number from my phone. For real this time. I don't have any reason to talk to him anymore. I feel like that part of my life is over. I can't give him what he wants and he can't give me what I want. That's that, I guess. I'm still open to the possibility of us being friends but honestly, with our very long and complicated history, I doubt that's even possible. There are times when I miss him, when I am tempted to contact him and it takes all of my will to stop myself. This is the way it has to be. This is the best possible way things could finally end between us. For some reason, I feel relieved that he's no longer in my life. This has been the best decision I made all year. Maybe one year older did make me a little wiser.
Friday, March 30, 2012
Youth Is Wasted On The Young (aka Me)
As I may or may not have mentioned before, I pretty much spend all my free time (and I have a lot) at home, watching movies or TV shows. This has always been something I enjoyed but recently, I found myself starting to feel like I am wasting my life. I'm in my 20's, I'm single and I have a pretty well paying job. I should be out there partying, meeting new people and doing thing I was too young to do in my teens and would be too old to do in my 30's. This should be the time to explore new things, have adventures, and just go crazy. I want to do all of those things but the problem is, I have no one to do them with. I want to dress up, go out partying and hopefully meet guys but that's not easy when your friends from high school are all in committed relationships and their idea of fun is chilling at home or going out with their guys. On the other hand, my friends from college are busy with med school and when they're not, they have their med school friends to do all those things with. That leaves just me, alone, with no one to do anything with.
Sometimes I wish I had more friends. Sometimes I wish the friends I do have, were up to doing crazy things. I want excitement in my life. I mean I do enjoy our usual videoke nights but it gets pretty tiring after several years. Can't we do something different every once in a while? Like go to a club or something? It's kind of embarrassing to admit especially at my age, but I've never gone clubbing with my friends. For many years I've told myself that it just wasn't our thing but lately I realized that yes, I do like dancing in the crowd, I do like dressing up and being ogled at by total strangers, and I do like being hit on by guys even though I would never admit it.
I love my friends to bits. I just wish we actually did "stuff" together. Crazy stupid stuff. Stuff that we'd probably regret right after doing them. Stuff that when we are old, we can look back on, smile and say "Yeah, I was awesome back then.".
It kind of really sucks to sit at home every Friday or Saturday night. It feels like the whole world is having a huge party and you're not invited.
Sometimes I wish I had more friends. Sometimes I wish the friends I do have, were up to doing crazy things. I want excitement in my life. I mean I do enjoy our usual videoke nights but it gets pretty tiring after several years. Can't we do something different every once in a while? Like go to a club or something? It's kind of embarrassing to admit especially at my age, but I've never gone clubbing with my friends. For many years I've told myself that it just wasn't our thing but lately I realized that yes, I do like dancing in the crowd, I do like dressing up and being ogled at by total strangers, and I do like being hit on by guys even though I would never admit it.
I love my friends to bits. I just wish we actually did "stuff" together. Crazy stupid stuff. Stuff that we'd probably regret right after doing them. Stuff that when we are old, we can look back on, smile and say "Yeah, I was awesome back then.".
It kind of really sucks to sit at home every Friday or Saturday night. It feels like the whole world is having a huge party and you're not invited.
Saturday, December 03, 2011
I'd Be Lying If I Said
"Am I not capable of love
That kind of love
That I felt when I was twenty one
Cause I'd be lyin' if I said
You're not my biggest regret
I wish that I could take it back."
Once upon a time, there was a boy. Once upon a time, this boy liked me. Once upon a time, I was young, stupid and scared. Once upon a time, I screwed everything up.
I keep telling every one that I don't really mind being single and that I actually prefer it. The thing is, I'm starting to feel the opposite. Being single gets harder as you get older. Especially when every one around you, every one you know, seem to be getting married and/or having kids.
A little over a year ago, I met someone. I'm not sure if "met" would be an appropriate term because we never actually met in person, but for the sake of convenience, let's just go with it. I think I've mentioned him in a previous post (It's not LoverBoy, who by the way, lives in a far away place now. Long story.). This guy, let's call him J42, and I met on Formspring. He claimed that he knew me through his cousin, who I went to high school with. It seemed a little fishy, I know, but I was bored so I went along with it. He knew a bunch of things about me, which at first sort of freaked me out. We got to know each other over the course of almost two months. He was very upfront about liking me from the start. I on the other hand, just enjoyed the attention. I'd never had a guy "like" me before so it was all very new and exciting for me but still, in the back of my mind, I kept thinking "Is this guy for real? Does he actually like me?". It didn't seem likely. That's how high my self esteem is. I briefly considered the possibility that maybe it was just one of my friends messing with me. They assured me it wasn't any of them.
He would ask me about my day, if I had already eaten and other little things like that and at first I found it a bit annoying but eventually, I found it kind of sweet. We liked pretty much all of the same things and whenever we had different opinions about something, well "we'll always have Muse". Muse is both our favorite band. No matter how many things we disagreed on, we always had Muse. That's the thing I liked most about him, he never said things just to impress me and he was never afraid to disagree with me. We talked every night, sometimes until morning in YM and needless to say, I ended up falling for him (but I would never admit it at the time). I tried to act coolly, like he didn't matter to me at all. I even tried to push him away a bunch of times. At the end of the almost two months, we pretty much knew everything about each other, except he still wouldn't tell me his real name. Here I was, opening myself up to someone who wouldn't even tell me his name. I thought it was unfair. He wanted me to trust him and I wanted to, but he didn't make it very easy. All I wanted was for him to meet me halfway. If I was gonna fall, I wanted to be sure that someone would catch me.
Finally, he asked if I wanted to meet him in person. I said yes. For a while, I actually thought that I could be happy with this person. For a while, I actually thought that I could do it. That I could just close my eyes and let myself fall. God knows I wanted to. But I backed out the day before we were supposed to meet. I couldn't do it. I kept trying to make up an excuse about why I changed my mind but the simple truth was, I was scared. I was scared because it could have been potentially the start of something totally alien to me: an actual relationship. I don't know why that scared me so much. I would never ever forget what he said to me that night. I still remember every word of it.
"We have a chance at something special and you just threw it away. Well I hope you don't regret this decision. I'm done."
He never spoke to me again. It's been almost two years, but reading those words still hurt as much as the day I first read them. He was right of course. I did end up regretting my decision. I still do, every single day. I want to hate him for giving up so easily. I wanted him to wait for me, to fight for me. But I guess there's only so much a person can take. There are days when I would spend hours reading our old conversations on Formspring from start to finish, the rise and fall of our non-relationship. It makes me sad and I miss him terribly. I keep thinking about how things could have turned out if I went through with it. What if I weren't so scared back then? Would my life be different from how it is now? Would we have ended up together? That's the worst question a person can have in her life. "What if?"
Sometimes I hate myself for doing what I did. I threw away a perfectly good shot at love and happiness. I want to try and find J42 but I don't know where to start. I don't even know his real name. I wish I could go back to that summer and undo the things I did and do the things I didn't. I wish I could have another chance.
To J42, in the off chance that you might be reading this, I just want to say I'm sorry for screwing things up. I'm sorry for being scared back then, but I'm not anymore. I promise not to run away this time. If you still feel the same way about me, you know how to reach me. I'll be waiting. I miss you every day.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Some Things Old and Some Things New
T and I met up with our other friend, M, a few days back. We were pretty close back in high school but we lost touch after we graduated. I can't even remember the last time I saw M before the other night. She introduced us to her boyfriend who apparently she has been together with for many years now. We had no idea. M is a licensed nurse who works part time at Hooters. Back in high school, M was pretty much "Little Miss Perfect". Good grades, nice to everyone, comes from a conservative family, you know the type. When T and I first found out that M was working at Hooters, we were shocked, to say the least. I admit, we even made some pretty snide comments about it.
Like I said, we hadn't seen M in forever and I thought that hanging out with her again would be a bit awkward. I was wrong. It was surprising to see that after all those years of not so much as a Hi or Hello, things were still the same. M had changed considerably since high school. She's not as stuck up and as big of a prude as she was before. I know it sounds kind of mean, but it's a compliment. She dresses sexier, she's more confident and now she can openly talk about things, that six years ago, she could not not even say out loud. She had changed but somehow, things between us were still the same. We still laugh at the same jokes, we still finish each others' sentences and everything was just like it was back when we were in high school. It's as if those six years of not talking or seeing each other didn't even happen.
M told us the story of how she and her boyfriend met. It was a really cute story and the boyfriend was a pretty great guy, in my opinion. I don't say this very often about couples, but I am genuinely happy for M and her boyfriend. She also told us that the Hooters gig was actually her second job. Turns out, her dad is sick and can't work anymore, while her mom lost her job. M works two jobs to support her family. She told us that she no longer sees any of her other friends and she felt alone and disconnected from everyone else. She told us that the only who was there for her was her boyfriend. It made me feel terrible for all the bad things I said about her working at Hooters. I felt terrible about judging her when I didn't even know what was going on in her life. Most of all, I felt terrible that I wasn't there for her. I wanted to hug her bf and tell him thank you, a million times, for being there for M when us, her friends, weren't.
I watched M and her bf all through the night with a sense of fascination as they told us their stories about each other. They said that they fight a lot but they work through it and it was strange to hear them actually owning up to their mistakes in the relationship. They make fun of each other, they joke around together and aside from being boyfriend/girlfriend, they seemed to be each other's best friend as well. They seem like they knew each other, like really knew each other, down to their deepest, darkest secrets, down to their hopes and biggest fears. I must admit, I was definitely a little jealous. I can't even imagine having that kind of relationship with anyone. I don't think I can handle another person knowing the most intimate details of my life. T and I are pretty close but there are still parts of my life, of myself, that I am not willing to share with her. I feel like there should always be a necessary amount of distance between myself and every one else in my life. This is the reason why sometimes I think I'm really better off alone. M's boyfriend, on the other hand, said that the reason I'm alone is probably because I want to be alone and it's purely by choice. I never really understand why people keep telling me that my singleness is by choice. Okay, it is by choice but only because I have no other choice. It's not like guys are lining up around the corner for me.
T mentioned that she was delayed. Almost two months delayed. She said she already took a test and it was negative but she wasn't ruling out the possibility. I wasn't sure whether I should congratulate her or not so I asked her. She told us that if it was up to her, she wouldn't want a baby yet but if she was pregnant, so be it. I asked her if her boyfriend knew. She said yes and she showed me his text message. It was reassuring to know that he is supportive and that he will be there for T whatever happens. I can't say I approve of the whole thing but that's largely due to selfish reasons. If T has a baby, everything will change and nothing will ever be the same. I keep thinking of all the things we couldn't do, all of the adventures we couldn't have if she has a baby. I don't want her to have a baby. Just trying to imagine it makes me cringe. T having a baby would be the nail in the coffin of our youth. It will once and for all set into stone the fact that we were actual adults. A fact that I'm still clearly in denial of. But of course I didn't tell her that, and no matter what happens, baby or no baby, I will always be there for T.
After a few drinks, I did the unforgivable. I texted Lover Boy. Technically, I sent him a blank text message. He asked me where I was and before I could do anything even more stupid, I asked T to keep my phone and not to give it to me for any reason at all. I hate the fact that I was the first one to break the silence. I blame it on the alcohol. M had no idea about what has been going on between Lover Boy and me so we filled her in. Six years ago, I could never tell her any of it but now, I could go into every little detail. EVERY LITTLE DETAIL. She took it better than I expected and mad props to her boyfriend for not making me feel uncomfortable about any of it. M asked me if I had feelings for Lover Boy. My answer was an obvious fuck no. Her bf said that I probably do, or else I wouldn't stick around for as long as I have. Do I have feelings for Lover Boy? I considered the thought, but then I stopped because maybe I wouldn't like the answer. Even if I did have feelings for him, it's not like there's anything I could do about it. That night ended with me feeling victorious over the fact that he was the last to text this time and not me. Small victory, I know, but victory none the less.
He texted me earlier asking if I had work today. I told him I didn't but I was going to go see a movie with my brother. He said he had to pick up his boss from the airport but maybe we could see each other after. He didn't say it quite like that of course. His version was a bit more R13. Still, I told him okay. Because I'm stupid. About three hours ago, I asked him if he wanted to go to this place near where I live to get a drink or something. He wasn't familiar with the place so he asked me where it was. I told him and he didn't text back. After a while, it occurred to me that the place wasn't just near my house, it was also near his girlfriend's house and a lot of people we knew frequent the place. He probably didn't want to be seen with me. I will always be just his dirty little secret and you know what? I'm done and I couldn't care any less.
Like I said, we hadn't seen M in forever and I thought that hanging out with her again would be a bit awkward. I was wrong. It was surprising to see that after all those years of not so much as a Hi or Hello, things were still the same. M had changed considerably since high school. She's not as stuck up and as big of a prude as she was before. I know it sounds kind of mean, but it's a compliment. She dresses sexier, she's more confident and now she can openly talk about things, that six years ago, she could not not even say out loud. She had changed but somehow, things between us were still the same. We still laugh at the same jokes, we still finish each others' sentences and everything was just like it was back when we were in high school. It's as if those six years of not talking or seeing each other didn't even happen.
M told us the story of how she and her boyfriend met. It was a really cute story and the boyfriend was a pretty great guy, in my opinion. I don't say this very often about couples, but I am genuinely happy for M and her boyfriend. She also told us that the Hooters gig was actually her second job. Turns out, her dad is sick and can't work anymore, while her mom lost her job. M works two jobs to support her family. She told us that she no longer sees any of her other friends and she felt alone and disconnected from everyone else. She told us that the only who was there for her was her boyfriend. It made me feel terrible for all the bad things I said about her working at Hooters. I felt terrible about judging her when I didn't even know what was going on in her life. Most of all, I felt terrible that I wasn't there for her. I wanted to hug her bf and tell him thank you, a million times, for being there for M when us, her friends, weren't.
I watched M and her bf all through the night with a sense of fascination as they told us their stories about each other. They said that they fight a lot but they work through it and it was strange to hear them actually owning up to their mistakes in the relationship. They make fun of each other, they joke around together and aside from being boyfriend/girlfriend, they seemed to be each other's best friend as well. They seem like they knew each other, like really knew each other, down to their deepest, darkest secrets, down to their hopes and biggest fears. I must admit, I was definitely a little jealous. I can't even imagine having that kind of relationship with anyone. I don't think I can handle another person knowing the most intimate details of my life. T and I are pretty close but there are still parts of my life, of myself, that I am not willing to share with her. I feel like there should always be a necessary amount of distance between myself and every one else in my life. This is the reason why sometimes I think I'm really better off alone. M's boyfriend, on the other hand, said that the reason I'm alone is probably because I want to be alone and it's purely by choice. I never really understand why people keep telling me that my singleness is by choice. Okay, it is by choice but only because I have no other choice. It's not like guys are lining up around the corner for me.
T mentioned that she was delayed. Almost two months delayed. She said she already took a test and it was negative but she wasn't ruling out the possibility. I wasn't sure whether I should congratulate her or not so I asked her. She told us that if it was up to her, she wouldn't want a baby yet but if she was pregnant, so be it. I asked her if her boyfriend knew. She said yes and she showed me his text message. It was reassuring to know that he is supportive and that he will be there for T whatever happens. I can't say I approve of the whole thing but that's largely due to selfish reasons. If T has a baby, everything will change and nothing will ever be the same. I keep thinking of all the things we couldn't do, all of the adventures we couldn't have if she has a baby. I don't want her to have a baby. Just trying to imagine it makes me cringe. T having a baby would be the nail in the coffin of our youth. It will once and for all set into stone the fact that we were actual adults. A fact that I'm still clearly in denial of. But of course I didn't tell her that, and no matter what happens, baby or no baby, I will always be there for T.
After a few drinks, I did the unforgivable. I texted Lover Boy. Technically, I sent him a blank text message. He asked me where I was and before I could do anything even more stupid, I asked T to keep my phone and not to give it to me for any reason at all. I hate the fact that I was the first one to break the silence. I blame it on the alcohol. M had no idea about what has been going on between Lover Boy and me so we filled her in. Six years ago, I could never tell her any of it but now, I could go into every little detail. EVERY LITTLE DETAIL. She took it better than I expected and mad props to her boyfriend for not making me feel uncomfortable about any of it. M asked me if I had feelings for Lover Boy. My answer was an obvious fuck no. Her bf said that I probably do, or else I wouldn't stick around for as long as I have. Do I have feelings for Lover Boy? I considered the thought, but then I stopped because maybe I wouldn't like the answer. Even if I did have feelings for him, it's not like there's anything I could do about it. That night ended with me feeling victorious over the fact that he was the last to text this time and not me. Small victory, I know, but victory none the less.
He texted me earlier asking if I had work today. I told him I didn't but I was going to go see a movie with my brother. He said he had to pick up his boss from the airport but maybe we could see each other after. He didn't say it quite like that of course. His version was a bit more R13. Still, I told him okay. Because I'm stupid. About three hours ago, I asked him if he wanted to go to this place near where I live to get a drink or something. He wasn't familiar with the place so he asked me where it was. I told him and he didn't text back. After a while, it occurred to me that the place wasn't just near my house, it was also near his girlfriend's house and a lot of people we knew frequent the place. He probably didn't want to be seen with me. I will always be just his dirty little secret and you know what? I'm done and I couldn't care any less.
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