I'v never been the happy-go-lucky type of person. Far from it, actually. For the longest time, I've attributed my general lack of happiness to the fact that I am single. Too much TV and romantic novels had me convinced that I will never be truly happy until I find someone. I can't even help it, it's like my mind had already been conditioned to think that way. I want to be in love. I want to be with someone. So I'm wondering, how come when I get a chance to actually meet someone, I totally balk. Like the other night, I was at a college party hosted by a friend's sorority. I drank a bit, danced and generally had a great time. By the end of the night, some guy came up to us and wanted to introduce himself and his friends. So, being the total idiot that I am, I sank back into my seat and pretended to be passed out. What in the fuck was that? I mean, the guy was okay looking and he is in med school so why didn't I just go ahead and introduced myself. For one thing, I am really awkward when it comes introductions and introductions often lead to exchanging numbers and before you know it, you are a couple. Okay, maybe not always but you know what I mean. I am 23 years old and I'm still not fully comfortable with the idea of dating someone.
Another good example is last summer when I met this guy online. He messaged me on this site and told me that he saw me earlier that day while he was out with his cousin, who I went to high school with. We IM'd for a month or so and in all that time, he never told me who he was. It was sort of unfair, really. He knew a lot of things about me and I didn't even know his name. I didn't care though. We had the same taste in music and we almost never ran out of things to talk about. After a while, he asked to meet me in person. I wanted to do it. I liked him. I said no. Because I am an idiot. It's just that I couldn't help thinking, what if I didn't like him as much in person? Or worse, what if he didn't like me? I didn't think I could handle that. Or what if it was just some idiot's idea of a joke? Just to see if I would actually show up or not?
I think all of this boils down to me having trust and self esteem issues. Which is also why I'm probably going to end up alone. But you know what? despite what everybody seem to think or say, being alone is really not so bad. Most of the time, anyway. Sure it would be nice to have someone to go on dates with, someone to have late night conversations with and someone to be intimate with. But I guess even if I never have any of that, it wouldn't be the end of the world. I want to be in a relationship but I'm not gonna go out of my way to look for it. It will happen when it will happen.