Saturday, December 15, 2012


Have you ever felt like you are alone? At one point or another, I'm sure everyone has. But really, have you ever felt like literally, you are all alone? I've mentioned many times before that my friends are all super busy with work/school/other friends, but I was okay. I still had my family. But these days, it seems like my family has no time for me either. My brother has a new job and a new girlfriend, my mother prefers to spend all of her weekends over my aunts house and sometimes it feels like she would rather spend her time with everyone else but me. My dad, well, he doesn't really live with us. So I am, quite literally, alone all the time. I'm the sort of person who values alone time, but even I have my limits. These days, I've taken to reading until my eyes hurt and I want to gouge them out just to distract myself from my aloneness. I've taken to posting every single thought I have on Twitter just because I literally don't have anyone to talk to. It weighs down on you after a while. I'm getting tired of adjusting my schedule, my life to accommodate everyone else and no one seems to be making any effort to accommodate me. It's just kind of sad realizing that you don't mean as much to people as they mean to you. I was going to take my family Christmas shopping today and they acted like it was an inconvenience to them. Like they were gonna be doing me a favor by going. For the past two years, I've taken my family Christmas shopping and I spend every hard earned dime I have on them. I don't even get myself anything for Christmas. Not even a pair of fucking socks. So yeah, it pisses me off that they don't even seen to appreciate that. Well, since they're all too fucking busy to spend some time with me, they can get their own presents. It's not like they give me anything anyway. They're making me hate the Holidays even more. A few more years like this and I'm gonna turn into Ebenezer freakin Scrooge.

Anyway, long story short, they had other plans and so here I am, home alone on a Saturday night while my brother is out with his girlfriend and my mother is with our other relatives for a reunion dinner thing which nobody bothered telling me about until the last minute because I couldn't possibly have any plans of my own or a life of my own, for that matter. This is exactly what I'm talking about. Everyone keeps expecting me to adjust to their schedule, their needs, or whatever as long as it's about them. Of course, because I'm a sad and bitter person, I said I wasn't going. Okay, I know I really didn't have plans or anything but what if I did? I'll tell you what. They're gonna make me cancel MY plans just to accommodate THEIR plans. It's like I don't even matter at all. Sometimes I wish I'd just disappear. That's how everyone makes me feel anyway. Like I'm invisible. I just really want to be noticed, to be appreciated. Is that too much to ask?

Friday, September 28, 2012

Part of That World

College friends have been too busy with med week activities these past few days. It's times like these that make me wish I had gone to med school with them. I'm so jealous that they get to have all these new experiences, get to meet new friends and I'm not a part of all of it. I try to come to their events as much as I can. I try to hang out with them whenever I can. I want to be there. I want to be a part of their lives. I don't want to slowly slip away and be forgotten as they move on. To be honest, it's getting harder and harder for me to keep up with them. The conversations tend to get repetitive, sometimes forced even.  I mean, I know they're trying to include me, but at this point, it's just so difficult seeing as their world now is so much different from mine. A lot of times, I don't even have a God damn clue what or who they are talking about. They always end up having to explain everything and it make me feel like I'm a stupid child or something. I get jealous every time I see photos of them having fun with new friends. I'm jealous because they still get to enjoy life as students while I work my ass off in a job I hate. I just want to experience all those things with them as well. I want to be part of that world. It just kind of sucks because right now I really feel like our friendship has a set expiration date. The distance between us is just gonna grow over time and before we know it, we are no longer even speaking to each other. It's especially hard for me because I don't really have many friends.

Part of their med week celebration is a pageant for Mr. and Ms. Med. ME was a contestant. I wanted to watch but I stopped myself. It's a school event and I didn't feel right about going. I didn't belong there. I heard from KE that he did quite well. For the talent portion, he sang and KE said he was amazing. According to her, all the girls in the crowd went wild. Why wouldn't they? I mean he is that good looking and he can sing? I later saw a video of his performance and I must say, the boy can really sing. The thought of all those girls wanting him for themselves kind of stung a little. I mean, a lot of girls probably want him and it kind of sucks knowing that you are just one of those girls who want to compete for even just a bit of attention. ME mentioned in a tweet that he loved the movie "Perks of Being A Wallflower" because he can relate to it, that he always felt like wallflower and nobody notices him. Was he kidding or what? There is no way that he doesn't get noticed. I made out with four guys in one night and he's the only one I remember. I introduced myself to him and God knows I've never ever nor will ever do that ever again with any other guy. I wonder if he really felt like that. The moment I read his tweet, all I could think about was how much I wanted to hold him and tell him that he is anything but a wallflower. That girls would willingly line up around the block for him. That he is special and anyone would be lucky to have him in their lives. I wanted to banish every negative thought he had about himself because in my eyes, he is perfect just the way he is.

By the way, before I forget, apparently he really is gay. JR's little's sister's boyfriend is ME's classmate and according to him, ME's not really secretive about it but he also doesn't go around telling people either. I kind of already suspected that but some things just don't add up. First of all, in my diligent stalking, I found out that he had at least one girlfriend in the past. Second, we made out. If he was gay, what the fuck was that all about? I'm still not sure what to make of the news. Yes, it does kind of make me feel a little stupid for obsessing over a guy who obviously will never be into me. Still, it really doesn't change how I think of him and how I feel about him. I don't even know why I'm stressing so much. I mean, it was just one night and I only talked to him for a few minutes. For all I know, he could be a total douchebag and we could have nothing in common. Plus, he is probably gay. Whatever. A girl can hope, can't she?

Monday, September 24, 2012

It's Magic When Two People...

Forgive the cheesy title. That line from the song "Got To Believe In Magic" just got me thinking. How does two people fall in love? I mean, like it says in the song, "Tell me how two people find each other, in a world that's full of strangers?". Falling in love has always been somewhat of an alien concept to me. I don't think I've ever been in love and nobody has fallen in love with me. How does two people find each other? I'm not even talking about finding someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, just someone you can have a relationship with. I guess it's easy enough to find someone to fall in love with. The hard part, I think, is finding someone you love, who will love you back. I mean, out of all the people around you, all the people you encounter every day, how do you find that person who will love you like you love them? This is strictly speaking from experience because all of the relationships I've had so far are either one sided, or imaginary. How do you get the person you love to love you back? Life would be a lot easier if there was a surefire way to make that happen.

The reason I'm wondering about this is because two of my close college friends are in a sort of unrequited love situation. One of them, RO started a friends with benefits type arrangement with an acquaintance but she ended up wanting more and the guy seems like he really doesn't want to commit. KE on the other hand, is in a totally opposite situation. She and this guy had known each other for some time, they talk regularly, they hang out with common friends and KE ended up really liking him. According to their mutual friends, the guy likes KE as well. The problem is, the guy himself has not said anything to either confirm or deny it. They still hang out occasionally but seeing as the guy has not said or done anything to progress things between them, KE is taking it a sign that he's not into her. These two very different but also very similar situations has been a cause for much drama lately. I want to help them but the hell can I do?

I guess I'm also in that kind of situation. I know I have no chance in hell with ME, but a girl can hope. RO asked me a couple of days ago if I really liked ME. The truth is I'm not entirely sure either. I just want so much for him to want me. I want someone to want me. Is that really so unreasonable? Is that too much to ask? I'm so tired of one sided attractions. I keep thinking to myself that all this waiting must be for some really good reason. There must be someone out there for me. I want to know how it feels like to be in love and to be loved back. The way things are going right now, it looks like I have a better chance of winning the lottery than finding love. Why is love so hard to find? Maybe I'm not looking hard enough, if at all. Sometimes I think it really is magic when two people fall in love.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Last Month

I've been seeing my college friends a lot these days. One of the fraternities at their school hosted a party last month and I ended up going with KE, RO, MDC and some other college friends. It was at this hip club and I usually don't like going to places like that but I thought "Hey, what the heck, the people who are gonna be there are mostly former schoolmates. At least there wouldn't be any creepers." Anyway, I ended up getting drunk. Drunk as in I barely remember what happened that night. I woke up at GG's place near her college with a massive headache and bruises on both my knees. Some images were coming up in my mind but I couldn't be sure if those things really happened or if I dreamed or imagined it. We met up with RO for  lunch and the three of us, barely remembering how we even got home, tried to piece together the events of last night. I remembered I had a camera on my purse and when I saw the photos on it, I could not fucking believe what I saw. I was so wasted. There were photos of me with this one guy. Some were innocent enough. Us talking and whatever. And then there were some where I was sitting on his lap and, my arms were all around him and his arms were around me. How the fuck did this happen? Was all I could think about.

I got home around four that afternoon. I opened my Facebook page and it was filled with notifications. Wall posts saying things like "Oooh I heard you were a wild one." and "Best night ever last night?". At that point, I was starting to panic. What the fuck did I do last night? After hearing the stories from some of my friends who didn't get a case of amnesia that night, I figured the more appropriate question was What didn't I do?
Apparently, I was sitting next to an acquaintance, CK when I noticed the guy from the photo sitting next to her. According to CK, I told her that I thought the guy was hot. Then she, being slightly buzzed herself, introduced us. I started to remember parts of what happened after that. He told me his name, where he was from and how old he was. I remembered saying that he was too young. I remembered him saying he was going to the bathroom. That was it. As I heard stories from other friends, more and more things started to make sense. As it turned out, the images in my head from that morning were neither dreamed or imagined. They actually happened. I did end up making out with that guy (ME), I did fall down my seat at the club, I did cry in LT's car and I did fall over while going up the stairs at GG's place, hence the bruises. But it gets worse. And this part, up to now, I still don't remember. The last thing I remember that happened in the club was ME saying he had to go to the bathroom. That was after I sat on his lap and had a make out session with him. That was it. That's all I remembered. I thought we went home after that. But no, apparently, after he left I ended up making out with another guy. Then another. Then another. What the fuck is wrong with me? Guy #2 and Guy#3 are ME's classmates. What a douche move on my part. At that point, DP, one my friends who were smart enough to not get wasted that night, decided it was time to go. She and LT took RO and GG to the car and left me on the couch. When they came back, I was with guy #4. According to DP, I didn't want to leave even then. She had to get another one of our guy friends to help her drag me to the car. I don't remember any of it. Not even a little. I basically made a complete fool of myself that night. Thank God I don't go to their school.

That night was all we talked about for the next few days. Just as I thought, my friends would never let me live it down. One of our friends, JR, mentioned that he thought ME was actually my date that night because we  didn't look like we just met. I looked at the photos again and again and he was right. We looked good together. We looked comfortable with each other. But then again, this may be due to the fact that I was pretty drunk. Otherwise I don't think I'd be comfortable talking to someone as good looking as ME. Oh I guess I forgot to mention that. ME is extremely good looking. All of my friends agree and they've never agreed with me about who I think is hot before. KE and him had some common friends so I wasn't that hard to track him down on Facebook. I went through his profile and well, I was kind of turned off. Yes, he was really, incredibly good looking but personality wise, I don't think we'd click. He seemed like a nice guy and all, but he also seemed like the kind of guy who knows that he's hot and he's totally owning it. I'm really not into that type of guy. Also, for someone reason, he came off as totally gay. This was later confirmed by DP who asked one of ME's friends. But still, I couldn't stop thinking about him. How could he be gay? So in a totally stupid and bordering on desperate move, I messaged him. I said I was sorry if I acted inappropriately that night blah blah blah. I waited and waited. No reply. I took it as a sign. Maybe he was also too drunk that night and he didn't even remember who I was. Maybe to him I was just that drunk girl he made out with that one time. Maybe it meant nothing to him. Maybe it shouldn't mean anything to me. After all, it was just one night, one kiss. What did I expect? Someone like him would fall for someone like me? The problem is, like I've said many times, I instantly fall for anyone who gives me the slightest bit of attention. It hurt like hell when he didn't even bother replying.

A few days after that, we organized a surprise birthday dinner for KE. It was the first time all of us got together after that night. I was pretty much the one who organized the whole thing. Mainly because I feel like I haven't been as good a friend as I should be the last couple of years. That was something I vowed to change at the start of the new year. Again as I expected, they kept making fun of me for what happened. It's kind of embarrassing and insulting. Apparently word has gotten around about my little faux pas. It kind of sucked how they made comments about how I was famous now especially among first year students (ME is a freshman in med school). I didn't say anything but I was incredibly irked. I mean, who wouldn't be? I may not go to their school but I still knew a lot of people there and those people, for all I know, might be saying things about me and what I did. And the worse part is, I still didn't even remember most of what happened that night. I was upset about it for a couple of days but I eventually got over it. Who the fuck cares anyway? I just kept thinking that years from now, I I'll probably be able to look back on it, smile and say "Those were good times".

The next week, I had to renew my license. Incidentally, the place was a mere walking distance from campus so invited MDC and RO to dinner. After we ate we hung out at the lobby of RO's place. We were seated in one of the couches with me facing the way to the elevators. We were laughing about something when all of a sudden I saw a familiar face. It took me a few seconds to realize who it was. ME looked taller than in the photos (and in my memory). He looked different with a little scruff on his face but I was sure it was him. I fell silent. Our eyes met for a second and he stopped in his tracks. It was the most awkward moment of my life. I didn't know what to do so I looked away. He continued walking towards the door to the coffee shop. A little while later, we went into the same coffee shop so RO and MDC could study a bit (okay, I sort of talked them into it). We were seated like two tables away from ME. I sat with my back to him because I really couldn't stand to look at him. You know when Angela Chase tells Jordan Catalano that he was so beautiful, it hurts to look at him? Well it's kind of like that. We sat there for hours. I waited and waited, hoping that he will notice me, talk to me. Even just a nod to acknowledge my existence would have been enough, but no. Again, I expected too much.

I told MDC that I messaged him on Facebook. None of my other friends know. It was too embarrassing. I thought he was going to scold me and say it was stupid. He didn't. He congratulated me on taking the risk. God knows I don't do that often enough. He's been telling me for a while now that it's good to leave my comfort zone sometimes. He said what I did was a big step.  I couldn't even begin to explain how relieved I was upon hearing it. I took a risk, it didn't pay off and wouldn't you know it? I was fine and the world didn't end. Sure, the rejection hurt like hell, but I'd rather have known than forever wonder what could have been. I've been there and done that. The way I see it, it was just one less "What if?". It really was a big step for me.

I still can't stop thinking about ME (gay or not). I still check his Facebook everyday. I'm pretty sure nothing could ever happen between us but a part of me, for some reason, is still hoping. Whatever happens, I'm still and will forever be glad I met him that night.

Friday, July 27, 2012

Another Year Older...

And I don't feel any wiser. It's two hours past my 24th birthday and I literally slept through the whole day. I'm a whole year older but I don't really feel any different. Things have been relatively good. And by that, I mean I haven't had any bouts of depression recently. I've been seeing my college and high school friends a lot in the past months and things with them are pretty much the same. I've been busy with a couple of things. Nonsensical things, but things nonetheless. I've read four books this past month, books whose titles I won't mention because you will judge me for even reading them at all. Sometimes I wish I could just escape into the world of the books I read. Somewhere where I play the lead and not a spectator in my own life. Somewhere where exciting and fantastical things happen to me on a regular basis. There is nothing worse than waking up one more morning and realizing that this is it, this your life. You're stuck working until you're sixty, your days are going to be filled with mindless chitchat and you'll go about your life just going through the motions. Nothing unbelievably exciting is probably going to happen and at the end of it all, you will die. The world will go on without you and you will not have had any effect on the world whatsoever. I know, it's kind of a morbid thought especially one's birthday. It's just a thought. Like I said, everything's been good lately.

Lover Boy is no longer with his girl. She left him. For another girl. Karma is a real bitch sometimes. He got his, and I'm still waiting for mine.  I feel a little hurt that he didn't even greet me a happy birthday. He probably doesn't even know it was my birthday which makes me feel bad because I always remember his. I haven't talked to him in months. I deleted his number from my phone. For real this time. I don't have any reason to talk to him anymore. I feel like that part of my life is over. I can't give him what he wants and he can't give me what I want. That's that, I guess. I'm still open to the possibility of us being friends but honestly, with our very long and complicated history, I doubt that's even possible. There are times when I miss him, when I am tempted to contact him and it takes all of my will to stop myself. This is the way it has to be. This is the best possible way things could finally end between us. For some reason, I feel relieved that he's no longer in my life. This has been the best decision I made all year. Maybe one year older did make me a little wiser.

Friday, March 30, 2012

Youth Is Wasted On The Young (aka Me)

As I may or may not have mentioned before, I pretty much spend all my free time (and I have a lot) at home, watching movies or TV shows. This has always been something I enjoyed but recently, I found myself starting to feel like I am wasting my life. I'm in my 20's, I'm single and I have a pretty well paying job. I should be out there partying, meeting new people and doing thing I was too young to do in my teens and would be too old to do in my 30's. This should be the time to explore new things, have adventures, and just go crazy. I want to do all of those things but the problem is, I have no one to do them with.  I want to dress up, go out partying and hopefully meet guys but that's not easy when your friends from high school are all in committed relationships and their idea of fun is chilling at home or going out with their guys. On the other hand, my friends from college are busy with med school and when they're not, they have their med school friends to do all those things with. That leaves just me, alone, with no one to do anything with.

Sometimes I wish I had more friends. Sometimes I wish the friends I do have, were up to doing crazy things. I want excitement in my life. I mean I do enjoy our usual videoke nights but it gets pretty tiring after several years. Can't we do something different every once in a while? Like go to a club or something? It's kind of embarrassing to admit especially at my age, but I've never gone clubbing with my friends. For many years I've told myself that it just wasn't our thing but lately I realized that yes, I do like dancing in the crowd, I do like dressing up and being ogled at by total strangers, and I do like being hit on by guys even though I would never  admit it.

I love my friends to bits. I just wish we actually did "stuff" together. Crazy stupid stuff. Stuff that we'd probably regret right after doing them. Stuff that when we are old, we can look back on, smile and say "Yeah, I was awesome back then.".

It kind of really sucks to sit at home every Friday or Saturday night. It feels like the whole world is having a huge party and you're not invited.