Saturday, December 03, 2011

I'd Be Lying If I Said

"Am I not capable of love
That kind of love
That I felt when I was twenty one
Cause I'd be lyin' if I said
You're not my biggest regret
I wish that I could take it back."

Once upon a time, there was a boy. Once upon a time, this boy liked me. Once upon a time, I was young, stupid and scared. Once upon a time, I screwed everything up.

I keep telling every one that I don't really mind being single and that I actually prefer it. The thing is, I'm starting to feel the opposite. Being single gets harder as you get older. Especially when every one around you, every one you know, seem to be getting married and/or having kids.

A little over a year ago, I met someone. I'm not sure if "met" would be an appropriate term because we never actually met in person, but for the sake of convenience, let's just go with it. I think I've mentioned him in a previous post (It's not LoverBoy, who by the way, lives in a far away place now. Long story.). This guy, let's call him J42, and I met on Formspring. He claimed that he knew me through his cousin, who I went to high school with. It seemed a little fishy, I know, but I was bored so I went along with it. He knew a bunch of things about me, which at first sort of freaked me out. We got to know each other over the course of almost two months. He was very upfront about liking me from the start. I on the other hand, just enjoyed the attention. I'd never had a guy "like" me before so it was all very new and exciting for me but still, in the back of my mind, I kept thinking "Is this guy for real? Does he actually like me?". It didn't seem likely. That's how high my self esteem is. I briefly considered the possibility that maybe it was just one of my friends messing with me. They assured me it wasn't any of them.

He would ask me about my day, if I had already eaten and other little things like that and at first I found it a bit annoying but eventually, I found it kind of sweet. We liked pretty much all of the same things and whenever we had different opinions about something, well "we'll always have Muse".  Muse is both our favorite band. No matter how many things we disagreed on, we always had Muse. That's the thing I liked most about him, he never said things just to impress me and he was never afraid to disagree with me. We talked every night, sometimes until morning in YM and needless to say, I ended up falling for him (but I would never admit it at the time). I tried to act coolly, like he didn't matter to me at all. I even tried to push him away a bunch of times. At the end of the almost two months, we pretty much knew everything about each other, except he still wouldn't tell me his real name. Here I was, opening myself up to someone who wouldn't even tell me his name. I thought it was unfair. He wanted me to trust him and I wanted to, but he didn't make it very easy. All I wanted was for him to meet me halfway. If I was gonna fall, I wanted to be sure that someone would catch me.

Finally, he asked if I wanted to meet him in person. I said yes. For a while, I actually thought that I could be happy with this person. For a while, I actually thought that I could do it. That I could just close my eyes and let myself fall. God knows I wanted to. But I backed out the day before we were supposed to meet. I couldn't do it. I kept trying to make up an excuse about why I changed my mind but the simple truth was, I was scared. I was scared because it could have been potentially the start of something totally alien to me: an actual relationship. I don't know why that scared me so much. I would never ever forget what he said to me that night. I still remember every word of it.

"We have a chance at something special and you just threw it away. Well I hope you don't regret this decision. I'm done."

He never spoke to me again. It's been almost two years, but reading those words still hurt as much as the day I first read them. He was right of course. I did end up regretting my decision. I still do, every single day. I want to hate him for giving up so easily. I wanted him to wait for me, to fight for me. But I guess there's only so much a person can take. There are days when I would spend hours reading our old conversations on Formspring from start to finish, the rise and fall of our non-relationship. It makes me sad and I miss him terribly. I keep thinking about how things could have turned out if I went through with it. What if I weren't so scared back then? Would my life be different from how it is now? Would we have ended up together? That's the worst question a person can have in her life. "What if?"

Sometimes I hate myself for doing what I did. I threw away a perfectly good shot at love and happiness. I want to try and find J42 but I don't know where to start. I don't even know his real name. I wish I could go back to that summer and undo the things I did and do the things I didn't. I wish I could have another chance.

To J42, in the off chance that you might be reading this, I just want to say I'm sorry for screwing things up. I'm sorry for being scared back then, but I'm not anymore. I promise not to run away this time. If you still feel the same way about me, you know how to reach me. I'll be waiting. I miss you every day.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Some Things Old and Some Things New

T and I met up with our other friend, M, a few days back. We were pretty close back in high school but we lost touch after we graduated. I can't even remember the last time I saw M before the other night. She introduced us to her boyfriend who apparently she has been together with for many years now. We had no idea. M is a licensed nurse who works part time at Hooters. Back in high school, M was pretty much "Little Miss Perfect". Good grades, nice to everyone, comes from a conservative family, you know the type.  When T and I first found out that M was working at Hooters, we were shocked, to say the least. I admit, we even made some pretty snide comments about it.

Like I said, we hadn't seen M in forever and I thought that hanging out with her again would be a bit awkward. I was wrong. It was surprising to see that after all those years of not so much as a Hi or Hello, things were still the same. M had changed considerably since high school. She's not as stuck up and as big of a prude as she was before. I know it sounds kind of mean, but it's a compliment. She dresses sexier, she's more confident and now she can openly talk about things, that six years ago, she could not not even say out loud. She had changed but somehow, things between us were still the same. We still laugh at the same jokes, we still finish each others' sentences and everything was just like it was back when we were in high school. It's as if those six years of not talking or seeing each other didn't even happen.

M told us the story of how she and her boyfriend met. It was a really cute story and the boyfriend was a pretty great guy, in my opinion. I don't say this very often about couples, but I am genuinely happy for M and her boyfriend. She also told us that the Hooters gig was actually her second job. Turns out, her dad is sick and can't work anymore, while her mom lost her job. M works two jobs to support her family. She told us that she no longer sees any of her other friends and she felt alone and disconnected from everyone else. She told us that the only who was there for her was her boyfriend. It made me feel terrible for all the bad things I said about her working at Hooters. I felt terrible about judging her when I didn't even know what was going on in her life. Most of all, I felt terrible that I wasn't there for her. I wanted to hug her bf and tell him thank you, a million times, for being there for M when us, her friends, weren't.

I watched M and her bf all through the night with a sense of fascination as they told us their stories about each other. They said that they fight a lot but they work through it and it was strange to hear them actually owning up to their mistakes in the relationship. They make fun of each other, they joke around together and aside from being boyfriend/girlfriend, they seemed to be each other's best friend as well. They seem like they knew each other, like really knew each other, down to their deepest, darkest secrets, down to their hopes and biggest fears. I must admit, I was definitely a little jealous. I can't even imagine having that kind of relationship with anyone. I don't think I can handle another person knowing the most intimate details of my life. T and I are pretty close but there are still parts of my life, of myself, that I am not willing to share with her. I feel like there should always be a necessary amount of distance between myself and every one else in my life. This is the reason why sometimes I think I'm really better off alone. M's boyfriend, on the other hand, said that the reason I'm alone is probably because I want to be alone and it's purely by choice. I never really understand why people keep telling me that my singleness is by choice. Okay, it is by choice but only because I have no other choice. It's not like guys are lining up around the corner for me.

T mentioned that she was delayed. Almost two months delayed. She said she already took a test and it was negative but she wasn't ruling out the possibility. I wasn't sure whether I should congratulate her or not so I asked her. She told us that if it was up to her, she wouldn't want a baby yet but if she was pregnant, so be it. I asked her if her boyfriend knew. She said yes and she showed me his text message. It was reassuring to know that he is supportive and that he will be there for T whatever happens. I can't say I approve of the whole thing but that's largely due to selfish reasons. If T has a baby, everything will change and nothing will ever be the same. I keep thinking of all the things we couldn't do, all of the adventures we couldn't have if she has a baby. I don't want her to have a baby. Just trying to imagine it makes me cringe. T having a baby would be the nail in the coffin of our youth. It will once and for all set into stone the fact that we were actual adults. A fact that I'm still clearly in denial of. But of course I didn't tell her that, and no matter what happens, baby or  no baby, I will always be there for T.

After a few drinks, I did the unforgivable. I texted Lover Boy. Technically, I sent him a blank text message. He asked me where I was and before I could do anything even more stupid, I asked T to keep my phone and not to give it to me for any reason at all. I hate the fact that I was the first one to break the silence. I blame it on the alcohol. M had no idea about what has been going on between Lover Boy and me so we filled her in. Six years ago, I could never tell her any of it but now, I could go into every little detail. EVERY LITTLE DETAIL. She took it better than I expected and mad props to her boyfriend for not making me feel uncomfortable about any of it. M asked me if I had feelings for Lover Boy. My answer was an obvious fuck no. Her bf said that I probably do, or else I wouldn't stick around for as long as I have. Do I have feelings for Lover Boy? I considered the thought, but then I stopped because maybe I wouldn't like the answer. Even if I did have feelings for him, it's not like there's anything I could do about it. That night ended with me feeling victorious over the fact that he was the last to text this time and not me. Small victory, I know, but victory none the less.

He texted me earlier asking if I had work today. I told him I didn't but I was going to go see a movie with my brother. He said he had to pick up his boss from the airport but maybe we could see each other after. He didn't say it quite like that of course. His version was a bit more R13. Still, I told him okay. Because I'm stupid. About three hours ago, I asked him if he wanted to go to this place near where I live to get a drink or something. He wasn't familiar with the place so he asked me where it was. I told him and he didn't text back. After a while, it occurred to me that the place wasn't just near my house, it was also near his girlfriend's house and a lot of people we knew frequent the place. He probably didn't want to be seen with me. I will always be just his dirty little secret and you know what? I'm done and I couldn't care any less.

Saturday, October 01, 2011

No Other Woman

I watched the movie "No Other Woman" with T earlier. I actually wanted to see it alone but I decided to invite her at the last minute. Big mistake, as I ended up in tears after the movie was finished. I'm not used to crying in public. I'm not used to crying at all. In the ten or so years that I've known T, I don't think I've ever cried in front of her before. Especially not because of some stupid movie. It wasn't even a particularly sad movie. I guess it's just that it sort of speaks to me. I relate to the titular "Other Woman".

Just by the title, I guess you can pretty much already tell what it's about. I was rooting for "the other woman" (who from now on shall be referred to as TOW in this post) all through the movie but that's just me being biased, given my current situation. I think she was portrayed in a positive light. A girl just like any other, who has a job, has friends, has feelings and who unfortunately and unintentionally fell in love with a man she can't have, and not some skank as most movies would have every one believe. I also liked that we get to see what it's like being on either side. Most of the time, movies show what it's like for the girl being cheated on, never what's it like for the girl he is cheating with. I like how we get to see that TOW is an actual human being.

There were particular scenes in the movie that made me really uncomfortable and almost brought me to tears. The same scenes brought about laughter from all the rest of the people at the theater. I guess it's because we view the same scenes from a different perspective. In one particular scene, the wife invites TOW to dinner, along with the husband. She makes catty remarks all night and I imagine myself being in the same position. I don't think I can take it. I felt bad for TOW when the wife tried to taunt and embarrass her and the guy doesn't even stand up for her and also had the audacity to get mad at her for admitting to the affair. I felt bad for TOW because I know that at the end of the day, things can not possibly end well for her. I felt bad for TOW because I know that whatever happens, she will lose and he will eventually go back to his wife. I felt bad for her because in a way, I am her.

T mentioned that the guy in the movie sort of reminded her of Lover Boy. Of course it did. We watched the movie in silence. She probably figured that I wanted to really take it in. The movie ended exactly how these movies are suppose to end. The guy chooses his wife, TOW decides to stay away, makes a heartfelt apology to the wife, and get this, asks that if she can't find it in her heart to forgive her, she should forgive him. I guess it just goes to show how much she actually really loved him. I was in tears at that point.

We went for yogurt after the movie. We didn't really talk much because I was a little bit awkward about crying in the theater. I just felt so bad. Lover Boy hasn't texted or called. It's been almost a month. I kind of miss him, I think. And because I am stupid, I tried adding him again in Facebook. He still hasn't accepted the friend request yet even though I know for a fact that he's been online since I sent it. His girlfriend on the other hand, accepted my friend request right away. Why did I add her? I'm not really sure. I've been checking her page every so often. I look at pictures of them together. I read their conversations. Sometimes I think I'm actually jealous. She seems like a really great girl. Someone I could actually like and be friends with. She seems really sweet and she is far more good looking than I am. Why would he cheat on her? I've often wondered that. Why does he cheat on his girlfriends? Do all guys do that? I've always wanted to ask him that but I never got the chance seeing as we really don't do much talking when we're together.

Sometimes I wonder if she knew about me, if any of them knew about me. Did I want her to know? What would happen if she did? I try to play out the possible scenarios in my head. She could publicly humiliate me. She could call me names. She could pretty much do anything she wants and she'd be entitled to them. None of those scenarios would end well for me. Just as well, because whatever Lover Boy and I had is over. At least I think it is. It's probably for the best. No, it definitely is for the best. Better now while I've still got some dignity left.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Nothing Good Happens After 2 AM

I hate myself right now. I know I said I wanted nothing to do with you anymore, but I couldn't help it. I was at a friend's house, watching DVDs and drinking a bit. I guess it's a combination of the alcohol and my loneliness that made me want to see you. I just wanted to see you. I knew what would happen if I texted you but I did it anyway. You asked if you and a friend could come over and I couldn't say no. It still amazes me how I could almost never say no to you. I told my friends you were coming. They of course, disapproved. They know what's up between you and me. They've known all these years.

It was late and the guard at the village's entrance wouldn't let you in so you asked me to come meet you outside. My friends tried to stop me. They tried to reason with me. They were right, but I didn't care. I met you outside the gate while my friends waited nearby. Your car was parked in a dark corner and you asked me to get in. I'm not stupid. I knew what I was getting myself into. I knew exactly what you wanted and what was going to happen if got in. I did anyway.

We were in the backseat and a friend of your's was "sleeping" in the front seat. I tried to make small talk. I asked you how you were. You didn't even want to bother with words. You didn't even care about the fact that there was someone else in the car. You started  kissing me and touching me. Even that didn't last long. You unzipped your pants and it doesn't take a genius to figure out what you wanted. I couldn't tell if you were enjoying it or not, but after a while, you were done. Not a minute had passed by and already, you were asking me to get out. I haven't even zipped my denim shorts yet. If a guy trying to get rid of you after giving him a blowjob in the backseat of his car in some dark corner doesn't make you feel like a cheap slut, I don't know what will.

We got out of the car and you said you were uncomfortable that my friends were waiting for me. That was your excuse for kicking me out. I said it was cool and we got in the backseat again. I sat on your lap and I started kissing you, wanting even a semblance of intimacy. I started kissing you in the neck and you told me not to leave a mark. Of course. We wouldn't want you getting caught now, would we? I was drunk and horny when we started, but at that point, I was just really annoyed. I remembered that it was your one year anniversary last week. I greeted you a happy anniversary and I asked about your girlfriend, how you met and stuff. You know, just to piss you off. You never liked talking about her with me.

You walked me back to where my friends were and you tried saying hi to them. They turned their backs and walked away. What, were you expecting a warm welcome or something? You said goodbye and I said "So, that's it?". You smiled and kissed me on the cheek. That was it. I walked back with my friends, feeling shameful and lower than ever. We got back in the house and sat around in the kitchen, completely silent. "Ok, just say it. Just say or ask what you want." I told them. They asked me if I was okay. They told me that they would never judge me and that they loved me no matter what. I wanted to cry right then and there.

It really means a lot to me that my friends have my back. They're all in a serious relationship, and in the back of my mind, I've always been afraid that they somehow resented me for what I was doing. T and R have been in similar situations before but I has a very clean slate. It's actually her that I'm most worried about. I still kind of am. They asked me if this was the last time. I'm sure it's not. I don't know why I keep letting you treat me like this. Why I keep letting you make me feel this way. It's kind of funny how I always end up hating myself after being with you and yet, I can never get myself to hate you.

I and R left around five in the morning. Me and T stayed up talking. She's the only person I can talk to about anything. There are no secrets between us and I feel like we know each other inside and out. She somehow managed to make me feel less crappy about the whole thing. I went home with a terrible headache and an even more terrible pain in my heart.

You're probably going to ignore me for a week or two or until you get bored with her again. I, on the other hand, will probably spend the next few days trying to convince myself that it meant nothing to me. That you mean nothing to me.

Thursday, September 01, 2011

The Only Thing Constant

I'm not a big fan of change. I like routines. There's something comforting in having things always stay the same. I wish everything could just stay the same way forever. I feel so disconnected with every one and everything in my life. I don't work five days a week like most people and I usually have a lot of free time. The problem is, I have no one to spend all that free time with. Most of the time, I stay in bed all day. I read, I watch movies and I try to entertain myself. Sometimes I wonder if this is really all there is to life. Sometimes I don't even feel like I'm alive at all. I am neither happy nor sad. I feel like an empty shell.

My friends from college are all busy in med school, my high school friends are busy starting  their careers and I barely spend any time with my family. Every one is busy starting different lives without me in it. Every one is busy living and I wonder, when will my life begin?

Everything and every one has changed so much in the past couple years. I'm still the same. Sometimes I wonder if that's a bad thing. It feels like the whole world is moving on without me. Like I'm stuck in place, watching everything pass me by. Watching every one move forward while I get left behind.

My friends will have careers, their own families and I won't have a place in their lives.

Monday, August 22, 2011

The Love Life Predicament

I'v never been the happy-go-lucky type of person. Far from it, actually. For the longest time, I've attributed my general lack of happiness to the fact that I am single. Too much TV and romantic novels had me convinced that I will never be truly happy until I find someone. I can't even help it, it's like my mind had already been conditioned to think that way. I want to be in love. I want to be with someone. So I'm wondering, how come when I get a chance to actually meet someone, I totally balk. Like the other night, I was at a college party hosted by a friend's sorority. I drank a bit, danced and generally had a great time. By the end of the night, some guy came up to us and wanted to introduce himself and his friends. So, being the total idiot that I am, I sank back into my seat and pretended to be passed out.  What in the fuck was that? I mean, the guy was okay looking and he is in med school so why didn't I just go ahead and introduced myself. For one thing, I am really awkward when it comes introductions and introductions often lead to exchanging numbers and before you know it, you are a couple. Okay, maybe not always but you know what I mean. I am  23 years old and I'm still not fully comfortable with the idea of dating someone.

Another good example is last summer when I met this guy online. He messaged me on this site and told me that he saw me earlier that day while he was out with his cousin, who I went to high school with. We IM'd for a month or so and in all that time, he never told me who he was. It was sort of unfair, really. He knew a lot of things about me and I didn't even know his name. I didn't care though. We had the same taste in music and we almost never ran out of things to talk about. After a while, he asked to meet me in person. I wanted to do it. I liked him. I said no. Because I am an idiot. It's just that I couldn't help thinking, what if I didn't like him as much in person? Or worse, what if he didn't like me? I didn't think I could handle that. Or what if it was just some idiot's idea of a joke? Just to see if I would actually show up or not?

I think all of this boils down to me having trust and self esteem issues. Which is also why I'm probably going to end up alone. But you know what? despite what everybody seem to think or say, being alone is really not so bad. Most of the time, anyway. Sure it would be nice to have someone to go on dates with, someone to have late night conversations with and someone to be intimate with. But I guess even if I never have any of that, it wouldn't be the end of the world. I want to be in a relationship but I'm not gonna go out of my way to look for it. It will happen when it will happen.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Cutting Ties

I turned 23 a couple days ago and I've recently realized that I don't exactly like how my life is turning out. I could easily put the blame on certain circumstances and on life being life but the truth is, there really is no one to blame but myself. That's why I've decided to make some improvements in my life, which happens to be the reason why I started this blog. I just thought it would be a good place to chart my progress, to rant about frustrations and basically to chronicle my journey to becoming the 2.0 version of myself.

I want to be a better person, so I figured the first thing I have to do is cut ties with people who do nothing but bring out the worst in me. There is definitely more than one person that should be on this list but I'm starting with you, Lover Boy.

We have had a connection for as long as I could remember yet somehow, we never really got together. Why? Because you only wanted me when you couldn't have me. Every time your relationships got a little too boring for you, you sought me out. For the longest time, I played along with your stupid games, even though I kept on losing. I was young. I was stupid. I had low self esteem and I desperately wanted to feel wanted. You took advantage of that. That was how you made me feel. Like I was someone worthy of attention. Of course that is before you completely ignore me again for months at a time. I didn't mind though. At least I thought I didn't. After all, what's a few flirty text messages and occasional fooling around anyway? I would call you when I was a little drunk and you would do the same. We make out, we fool around but we've never gone all the way. I thought I was okay with all of that, hooking up with you with no strings attached. But no, I've always felt guilty about it afterward. You have cheated on all of your girlfriends since high school. With me. What exactly does that make me? A slut? Maybe. But never once did you make feel like that and I appreciated it. I'll give credit where credit is due, you knew the real me and you accepted that.

You are one of the only people who know that side of me and you don't judge me for it (at least I didn't think so). That's how I justified what we were doing. We were friends. With a little benefit every now and then. But we're not friends at all are we, Lover Boy? One day you asked if I wanted to go out. That day happened to be my birthday. I thought you knew, but you didn't. You just wanted to hook up. You, Love, are an ass.

Just recently, you asked me what I did for work. I distinctly remember telling you that a couple of times before. You don't know where I live, you don't even remember where I went to college. You never seem to remember anything I tell you. After almost ten years of "friendship", you know nothing about me. And as it turns out, I know nothing about you as well. Were we really ever friends? I think we just keep using that word as a better substitute for what we really are. We are not friends. Our relationship was formed for all the wrong reasons. You wanted someone to break the monotony of your relationships and I wanted to feel validated.

The other day, you said you wanted to meet up. You are actually a semi decent person and I thought that if we try, we could actually be friends. We hadn't seen each other in a while so I agreed. You said you wanted to be alone with me. You asked if I were home alone. You asked if you could come over. I'm not going into the details of that conversation but what happens next is partly my fault. I'm sorry if I led you on. You probably think I'm a tease, don't you? Like I said, I know it's partly my fault but I was somehow insulted when you asked me if I wanted to go to a motel with you. Is that really what you thought of me? The first few times we fooled around were at parties, at friends' houses. It felt innocent, natural. Things like that happen all the time. You mentioned you were also home alone and still, you invited me to a motel. If back then you didn't make me feel like a slut, well congratulations, you do now. I felt so cheap. I said no but you kept pushing it. That really is all I am to you, isn't it?

Did I ever tell you that I cried after the first time we fooled around? I was fifteen then and you were the first guy I did anything with. It was summer before senior year on our class trip. We were alone in the pool and you started touching me. I objected at first but being a hormone filled teenager, I eventually relented. We didn't really go very far but I cried in the shower afterward. I don't know why I let it happen again and again. In a way, I guess you somehow "damaged" me.

Back then, I mistakenly though that I want the same thing you wanted, but I was wrong. You wanted sex, I wanted a relationship. I want romance. I want fireworks. I want the whole Disney happily ever after ending. I want to be treated like a Princess, not some cheap whore that you can discard after you're done.

So I guess this is goodbye, Lover Boy. I've blocked you on facebook and I've deleted your number from my phone. You will always be my first and I will never forget you. I genuinely wish for your happiness. On days that you are feeling the urge to cheat on your girlfriend, don't come looking for that girl you used to hook up with because she doesn't live here anymore.