I hate myself right now. I know I said I wanted nothing to do with you anymore, but I couldn't help it. I was at a friend's house, watching DVDs and drinking a bit. I guess it's a combination of the alcohol and my loneliness that made me want to see you. I just wanted to see you. I knew what would happen if I texted you but I did it anyway. You asked if you and a friend could come over and I couldn't say no. It still amazes me how I could almost never say no to you. I told my friends you were coming. They of course, disapproved. They know what's up between you and me. They've known all these years.
It was late and the guard at the village's entrance wouldn't let you in so you asked me to come meet you outside. My friends tried to stop me. They tried to reason with me. They were right, but I didn't care. I met you outside the gate while my friends waited nearby. Your car was parked in a dark corner and you asked me to get in. I'm not stupid. I knew what I was getting myself into. I knew exactly what you wanted and what was going to happen if got in. I did anyway.
We were in the backseat and a friend of your's was "sleeping" in the front seat. I tried to make small talk. I asked you how you were. You didn't even want to bother with words. You didn't even care about the fact that there was someone else in the car. You started kissing me and touching me. Even that didn't last long. You unzipped your pants and it doesn't take a genius to figure out what you wanted. I couldn't tell if you were enjoying it or not, but after a while, you were done. Not a minute had passed by and already, you were asking me to get out. I haven't even zipped my denim shorts yet. If a guy trying to get rid of you after giving him a blowjob in the backseat of his car in some dark corner doesn't make you feel like a cheap slut, I don't know what will.
We got out of the car and you said you were uncomfortable that my friends were waiting for me. That was your excuse for kicking me out. I said it was cool and we got in the backseat again. I sat on your lap and I started kissing you, wanting even a semblance of intimacy. I started kissing you in the neck and you told me not to leave a mark. Of course. We wouldn't want you getting caught now, would we? I was drunk and horny when we started, but at that point, I was just really annoyed. I remembered that it was your one year anniversary last week. I greeted you a happy anniversary and I asked about your girlfriend, how you met and stuff. You know, just to piss you off. You never liked talking about her with me.
You walked me back to where my friends were and you tried saying hi to them. They turned their backs and walked away. What, were you expecting a warm welcome or something? You said goodbye and I said "So, that's it?". You smiled and kissed me on the cheek. That was it. I walked back with my friends, feeling shameful and lower than ever. We got back in the house and sat around in the kitchen, completely silent. "Ok, just say it. Just say or ask what you want." I told them. They asked me if I was okay. They told me that they would never judge me and that they loved me no matter what. I wanted to cry right then and there.
It really means a lot to me that my friends have my back. They're all in a serious relationship, and in the back of my mind, I've always been afraid that they somehow resented me for what I was doing. T and R have been in similar situations before but I has a very clean slate. It's actually her that I'm most worried about. I still kind of am. They asked me if this was the last time. I'm sure it's not. I don't know why I keep letting you treat me like this. Why I keep letting you make me feel this way. It's kind of funny how I always end up hating myself after being with you and yet, I can never get myself to hate you.
I and R left around five in the morning. Me and T stayed up talking. She's the only person I can talk to about anything. There are no secrets between us and I feel like we know each other inside and out. She somehow managed to make me feel less crappy about the whole thing. I went home with a terrible headache and an even more terrible pain in my heart.
You're probably going to ignore me for a week or two or until you get bored with her again. I, on the other hand, will probably spend the next few days trying to convince myself that it meant nothing to me. That you mean nothing to me.