Saturday, December 15, 2012


Have you ever felt like you are alone? At one point or another, I'm sure everyone has. But really, have you ever felt like literally, you are all alone? I've mentioned many times before that my friends are all super busy with work/school/other friends, but I was okay. I still had my family. But these days, it seems like my family has no time for me either. My brother has a new job and a new girlfriend, my mother prefers to spend all of her weekends over my aunts house and sometimes it feels like she would rather spend her time with everyone else but me. My dad, well, he doesn't really live with us. So I am, quite literally, alone all the time. I'm the sort of person who values alone time, but even I have my limits. These days, I've taken to reading until my eyes hurt and I want to gouge them out just to distract myself from my aloneness. I've taken to posting every single thought I have on Twitter just because I literally don't have anyone to talk to. It weighs down on you after a while. I'm getting tired of adjusting my schedule, my life to accommodate everyone else and no one seems to be making any effort to accommodate me. It's just kind of sad realizing that you don't mean as much to people as they mean to you. I was going to take my family Christmas shopping today and they acted like it was an inconvenience to them. Like they were gonna be doing me a favor by going. For the past two years, I've taken my family Christmas shopping and I spend every hard earned dime I have on them. I don't even get myself anything for Christmas. Not even a pair of fucking socks. So yeah, it pisses me off that they don't even seen to appreciate that. Well, since they're all too fucking busy to spend some time with me, they can get their own presents. It's not like they give me anything anyway. They're making me hate the Holidays even more. A few more years like this and I'm gonna turn into Ebenezer freakin Scrooge.

Anyway, long story short, they had other plans and so here I am, home alone on a Saturday night while my brother is out with his girlfriend and my mother is with our other relatives for a reunion dinner thing which nobody bothered telling me about until the last minute because I couldn't possibly have any plans of my own or a life of my own, for that matter. This is exactly what I'm talking about. Everyone keeps expecting me to adjust to their schedule, their needs, or whatever as long as it's about them. Of course, because I'm a sad and bitter person, I said I wasn't going. Okay, I know I really didn't have plans or anything but what if I did? I'll tell you what. They're gonna make me cancel MY plans just to accommodate THEIR plans. It's like I don't even matter at all. Sometimes I wish I'd just disappear. That's how everyone makes me feel anyway. Like I'm invisible. I just really want to be noticed, to be appreciated. Is that too much to ask?

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