Saturday, May 11, 2013

"Life Begins At The End of Your Comfort Zone"

Feels like forever ago since I last posted anything here. Anyway, big things happening in my life right now. I've been steadily gaining weight in the past few months and before I knew it, I was overweight and I felt like shit. I felt terrible about myself to the point that I didn't even wanna leave the house except for work anymore. Last March, I decided to take control and change that. I started eating healthy and going to the gym 3-5 times a week. It was insanely difficult but now I can say all of the hard work has been worth it. I look great, I feel great and dare I say, I'm in the best shape I've ever been health wise. And it's not just me who noticed. My family, friends, people at work have commented on the weight loss. That and seeing my progress is definitely motivating me to keep going. The exercise is easy, it's the healthy eating that's proving to be a challenge. I've not had any fast food in two months and that's huge accomplishment for me. It's hard but it's definitely worth it. People keep asking me why I'm doing this and my reply is always simple, yet hard to explain. I'm doing this for me. I'm taking control of my body, my life and I've honestly never felt this good in a long time. I blame it on the exercise endorphins.

Anyway, another big news. I went on my first "date" ever the other night. I put quotation marks on there because it wasn't actually a date date. It's kind of a long story, but to cut it short, my college friends set me up with a guy from their class. I had no intention of agreeing to it but they were so persistent that I eventually said yes. They agreed to come along so it was kind of a group thing. Stressed me out all week just thinking about it. I've never done this sort of thing and I tried to play it cool like it was no big deal but I was nervous as fuck. I tried to think of ways to get out of it but in the end, I decided to just go along with it because really, what have I got to lose?

It's kind of embarrassing that I had to ask my bff T about what to wear and all that stuff. I kept thinking that this sort of thing happens to you in high school, not when you're about to turn twenty five. I didn't want to look like I prepared for it or whatever but I also didn't want to look sloppy. I wanted him to like me but at the same time, I didn't because I probably won't like him. Does that make sense? My head was a total mess these last few days.

I was suppose to meet them (my college friends and the guy, who we shall call "AR") at around 7:30 after work but the traffic was insane and I ended up getting there an hour late. It was seriously pretty fucking awkward at dinner. My friends were there but they were pretty much ignoring me and forcing me to talk to my "date". We didn't talk at all through dinner. I wanted to run out of there and just end the whole thing. Fortunately, things took a turn for the better when I had to go to the restroom which was pretty far from where we were seated. They insisted that he walk me there (fucking awkward, I tell you) and once we were away from my friends (who spent the entire dinner making everything as uncomfortable as hell), we actually got to talking. We had some drinks at a bar after that. By this time, things were looking up. I don't know if it was because of the alcohol (it probably is), but I felt myself gradually feeling comfortable around him. We were talking more and laughing and from my point of view, I think we had fun. At the end of the night, he got me in a cab and asked for my number. I was pretty tipsy at this point and honestly I couldn't really think all too well. I know, I know, getting drunk on a first "date" is a no no but whatever. I gave him my number but I wasn't entirely sure if I gave him the right one so I told him to just check with my friends. He probably thinks I'm a party girl who can't handle her drinks but at the moment, all I could think of was that if I had accidentally given him the wrong number, he might think I did it on purpose because I'm not into him. I didn't wanna seem like a bitch so thats why I told him to just check with my friends. Pretty decent of me huh? Anyway, he texted a few minutes later to ask if I got home okay. I told him yeah, I was home and about to go to sleep. He said good night and thanked me for my time. He sounded so formal.

So now, I just got home from hanging out with T and the rest of the gang, who demanded details about the "date". They were so happy for me. To be honest, I'm happy for me too. It was a huge step for me. I was surprised to find that it really wasn't so bad. I actually had fun. I haven't heard from AR since that last text. He hasn't even added me on Facebook yet. I really don't know what to think and again, it's stressing me out. It's not that I'm really into him but I want him to be into me, you know? Does that makes sense? I just don't like being rejected. I wanna be the one doing the rejecting. Yeah, it sounds bad, I know.

I really have no idea how well or awful the "date" was for him and it's taking all of me to not ask my college friends if he has mentioned anything. I don't want them thinking that I like him, like him. Well, I don't dislike him or anything. He was okay to talk to, he seemed interested in the things I say. We got to talking about books and I was surprised to learn that he had never heard of The Great Gatsby. Of course, in all my infinite geekery, I totally gushed over the book and urged him to read it. I really appreciated the fact that he took the time to type down the title of the book and the author on his phone. Plus points for him. I also liked the fact that he was a complete gentleman all through out the night even when I was obviously drunk. Totally different from all the boys I used to know. So do I like him? The truth is I really don't know. But that doesn't stop me from over thinking and obsessing over the fact that I have not heard from him at all.  I thinks it's probably because of the stupid three day rule. Fuck that. Whatever the reason is, the one thing I know for sure is that I definitely will not be adding him on Facebook or calling him first. Will I see him again? I don't know. We invited him to go see The Great Gatsby with us when it opens. I don't think I'm ready to be alone with him if it comes to that. I really hate this feeling. My head is a fucking mess and I can't think about anything else. Is it always like this? Ugh. I feel like such a newbie.

Whatever. I have no idea how this whole thing is going to play out but whatever happens, I don't regret deciding to go and meeting him. I've had too many what ifs already. I'm proud of myself for taking a step away from my comfort zone. It was a good experience and I should probably do this more often. Not date more often but you know, do things I'm afraid of doing. I'm almost twenty five and I think it's about time to step it up and really put myself out there, not just dating wise.

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