Thursday, September 20, 2012

Last Month

I've been seeing my college friends a lot these days. One of the fraternities at their school hosted a party last month and I ended up going with KE, RO, MDC and some other college friends. It was at this hip club and I usually don't like going to places like that but I thought "Hey, what the heck, the people who are gonna be there are mostly former schoolmates. At least there wouldn't be any creepers." Anyway, I ended up getting drunk. Drunk as in I barely remember what happened that night. I woke up at GG's place near her college with a massive headache and bruises on both my knees. Some images were coming up in my mind but I couldn't be sure if those things really happened or if I dreamed or imagined it. We met up with RO for  lunch and the three of us, barely remembering how we even got home, tried to piece together the events of last night. I remembered I had a camera on my purse and when I saw the photos on it, I could not fucking believe what I saw. I was so wasted. There were photos of me with this one guy. Some were innocent enough. Us talking and whatever. And then there were some where I was sitting on his lap and, my arms were all around him and his arms were around me. How the fuck did this happen? Was all I could think about.

I got home around four that afternoon. I opened my Facebook page and it was filled with notifications. Wall posts saying things like "Oooh I heard you were a wild one." and "Best night ever last night?". At that point, I was starting to panic. What the fuck did I do last night? After hearing the stories from some of my friends who didn't get a case of amnesia that night, I figured the more appropriate question was What didn't I do?
Apparently, I was sitting next to an acquaintance, CK when I noticed the guy from the photo sitting next to her. According to CK, I told her that I thought the guy was hot. Then she, being slightly buzzed herself, introduced us. I started to remember parts of what happened after that. He told me his name, where he was from and how old he was. I remembered saying that he was too young. I remembered him saying he was going to the bathroom. That was it. As I heard stories from other friends, more and more things started to make sense. As it turned out, the images in my head from that morning were neither dreamed or imagined. They actually happened. I did end up making out with that guy (ME), I did fall down my seat at the club, I did cry in LT's car and I did fall over while going up the stairs at GG's place, hence the bruises. But it gets worse. And this part, up to now, I still don't remember. The last thing I remember that happened in the club was ME saying he had to go to the bathroom. That was after I sat on his lap and had a make out session with him. That was it. That's all I remembered. I thought we went home after that. But no, apparently, after he left I ended up making out with another guy. Then another. Then another. What the fuck is wrong with me? Guy #2 and Guy#3 are ME's classmates. What a douche move on my part. At that point, DP, one my friends who were smart enough to not get wasted that night, decided it was time to go. She and LT took RO and GG to the car and left me on the couch. When they came back, I was with guy #4. According to DP, I didn't want to leave even then. She had to get another one of our guy friends to help her drag me to the car. I don't remember any of it. Not even a little. I basically made a complete fool of myself that night. Thank God I don't go to their school.

That night was all we talked about for the next few days. Just as I thought, my friends would never let me live it down. One of our friends, JR, mentioned that he thought ME was actually my date that night because we  didn't look like we just met. I looked at the photos again and again and he was right. We looked good together. We looked comfortable with each other. But then again, this may be due to the fact that I was pretty drunk. Otherwise I don't think I'd be comfortable talking to someone as good looking as ME. Oh I guess I forgot to mention that. ME is extremely good looking. All of my friends agree and they've never agreed with me about who I think is hot before. KE and him had some common friends so I wasn't that hard to track him down on Facebook. I went through his profile and well, I was kind of turned off. Yes, he was really, incredibly good looking but personality wise, I don't think we'd click. He seemed like a nice guy and all, but he also seemed like the kind of guy who knows that he's hot and he's totally owning it. I'm really not into that type of guy. Also, for someone reason, he came off as totally gay. This was later confirmed by DP who asked one of ME's friends. But still, I couldn't stop thinking about him. How could he be gay? So in a totally stupid and bordering on desperate move, I messaged him. I said I was sorry if I acted inappropriately that night blah blah blah. I waited and waited. No reply. I took it as a sign. Maybe he was also too drunk that night and he didn't even remember who I was. Maybe to him I was just that drunk girl he made out with that one time. Maybe it meant nothing to him. Maybe it shouldn't mean anything to me. After all, it was just one night, one kiss. What did I expect? Someone like him would fall for someone like me? The problem is, like I've said many times, I instantly fall for anyone who gives me the slightest bit of attention. It hurt like hell when he didn't even bother replying.

A few days after that, we organized a surprise birthday dinner for KE. It was the first time all of us got together after that night. I was pretty much the one who organized the whole thing. Mainly because I feel like I haven't been as good a friend as I should be the last couple of years. That was something I vowed to change at the start of the new year. Again as I expected, they kept making fun of me for what happened. It's kind of embarrassing and insulting. Apparently word has gotten around about my little faux pas. It kind of sucked how they made comments about how I was famous now especially among first year students (ME is a freshman in med school). I didn't say anything but I was incredibly irked. I mean, who wouldn't be? I may not go to their school but I still knew a lot of people there and those people, for all I know, might be saying things about me and what I did. And the worse part is, I still didn't even remember most of what happened that night. I was upset about it for a couple of days but I eventually got over it. Who the fuck cares anyway? I just kept thinking that years from now, I I'll probably be able to look back on it, smile and say "Those were good times".

The next week, I had to renew my license. Incidentally, the place was a mere walking distance from campus so invited MDC and RO to dinner. After we ate we hung out at the lobby of RO's place. We were seated in one of the couches with me facing the way to the elevators. We were laughing about something when all of a sudden I saw a familiar face. It took me a few seconds to realize who it was. ME looked taller than in the photos (and in my memory). He looked different with a little scruff on his face but I was sure it was him. I fell silent. Our eyes met for a second and he stopped in his tracks. It was the most awkward moment of my life. I didn't know what to do so I looked away. He continued walking towards the door to the coffee shop. A little while later, we went into the same coffee shop so RO and MDC could study a bit (okay, I sort of talked them into it). We were seated like two tables away from ME. I sat with my back to him because I really couldn't stand to look at him. You know when Angela Chase tells Jordan Catalano that he was so beautiful, it hurts to look at him? Well it's kind of like that. We sat there for hours. I waited and waited, hoping that he will notice me, talk to me. Even just a nod to acknowledge my existence would have been enough, but no. Again, I expected too much.

I told MDC that I messaged him on Facebook. None of my other friends know. It was too embarrassing. I thought he was going to scold me and say it was stupid. He didn't. He congratulated me on taking the risk. God knows I don't do that often enough. He's been telling me for a while now that it's good to leave my comfort zone sometimes. He said what I did was a big step.  I couldn't even begin to explain how relieved I was upon hearing it. I took a risk, it didn't pay off and wouldn't you know it? I was fine and the world didn't end. Sure, the rejection hurt like hell, but I'd rather have known than forever wonder what could have been. I've been there and done that. The way I see it, it was just one less "What if?". It really was a big step for me.

I still can't stop thinking about ME (gay or not). I still check his Facebook everyday. I'm pretty sure nothing could ever happen between us but a part of me, for some reason, is still hoping. Whatever happens, I'm still and will forever be glad I met him that night.

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