Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Twenty Five

I don't even know how to begin. In my last post, I mentioned that AR and I are no longer speaking. Nothing was really happening so at the time, I decided it would be best to just let things die down naturally. I stopped replying to his texts and Facebook messages. About a week ago, I received a message from one of our common friends telling me that she ran into AR and they got to talking about me. He told her that I was no longer replying to him and when I did, it was usually two days after. At first I was kind of angry because for the first few weeks after we met, he was the one who was constantly leaving our conversations hanging. I only started to ignore him because I was getting tired of replying to him and not getting a response back. After a while, I felt kind of guilty about the whole thing. I thought about texting him but I kept finding reasons not to. I thought that was that. I was so wrong.

I turned twenty five last Friday. To celebrate, I booked a small table at a club (same one mentioned in previous post) and invited T, I, and some friends from college. Some of my college friends had an event to go to that same night so were supposed to come by a little later. Imagine my surprise when, in the middle of getting my drunk on, AR showed up with my friends. I totally freaked out. I immediately put my drink down and stubbed the cig I was smoking. I said a quick hi, grabbed T and hauled ass to the nearest restroom. It took forever before I finally managed to calm down and go back outside. Through the night, I kept making excuses to leave every once in a while. Like I said, I was absolutely freaking out. I mean, I thought I would never ever see the guy again and then there he was. I kept receiving text messages from my friends telling me to come back, to talk to him or whatever. And being the idiot that I am, I decided that the best way to deal with the situation is to get drunk of my ass. I know, I'm a fucking genius. I downed tequila shots like there was no tomorrow. After a while, I was already slightly buzzed and I got more comfortable. We got to talking. We addressed the fact that both us were terrible at replying to text messages. I told him he was too busy and then he said he'll find a way around his schedule somehow. He said to be at the hospital at 7am the next day but it was worth not getting any sleep because he got to see me. He also told me I was beautiful. I almost died. No guy has ever said that to me before.

A few more drinks later, we were dancing with each other. It was nothing like with that guy I mentioned in my previous post (lets just cal him CE). AR kept his hands to himself and he was a real gentleman even though I was basically throwing myself at him. A few more drinks later, I ended up with my arms around his neck and my face buried in his chest. His hands were on my waist and he kept them there even though I was secretly wishing he'd touch me in inappropriate places. I told him that he was such a gentleman and that most guys would have easily taken advantage of the situation. He said something like girls should be respected or something to that effect. I don't remember exactly the things he said but I remember how it made me feel. I swooned. Like I literally could not help but grin like a fucking idiot. We stayed like that for a while, with our arms around each other and then he told me to look at him. I looked up at him and then he kissed me. It was weird. I didn't feel the way I usually feel when I kissed guys. It's hard to explain. When I kissed Lover Boy or CE, it was full of sexual energy. I mean, I wanted to get it on with them. With AR, it was just kinda nice. I just wanted to be in his arms and not do anything but just stay there like that with him. Like I said, it's kind of weird. Is that a bad thing? That I don't picture myself having sex with him when I kiss him?

Anyway, at around 4am, my friends were looking pretty bored so we decided to call it a night. I went home with T and I and he went home with my other friends. We've been texting again since last Saturday and last night, he told me that his grandmother is in her deathbed and that they were really close. I really didn't know what to say. I felt so bad for him and all I wanted to do was go over to where he is and give him a hug. He also told me that he wanted to see me again so we could get to know each other more. I told him I was looking forward to seeing him again, and I actually meant it. He asked me what my favorite flowers were and of course, being me, I didn't have a favorite flower. I told him I loved tulips or any flower as long as they're not roses because roses are so cliche. He said tulips are kind of expensive but it's worth it when the person you are giving it to means a lot to you. I almost screamed.

In the last few days, I've noticed that there was something different in our interactions now. Something had changed. I mean, when I talked to him back then, before Friday I mean, it was all very formal. Small talk. Now we can actually joke around each other and even flirt a little. Things had definitely shifted. I'm not sure if that's a good thing. Back then I wanted him to see me as a "good girl" so I kept from being flirty and forward. I was always second guessing the things I say to him. But now, after what happened, I feel more comfortable being myself around him. I mean, he'd already seen me wasted as fuck so what else do I have to hide, right? I just hope that what happened doesn't change his opinion of me. I don't want him to see me as just some easy party girl because I think I might actually really like him. I don't know. The way I feel about him right now is starting to freak me out. He's a great guy and all my friends like him. They're even threatening me with bodily harm if I screw things up. Which I probably will. I don't know. There are moments when I wish I could just go back to not caring about him and just flirting with random guys I meet. I want to go back to just having fun, no emotions involved. T said it was time to give that shit up. That I should try being serious with someone for a change. She's probably right but the thought of it scares the shit out of me. It's kind of scary because I think this could be it. Not it, but you know. He seems like he is boyfriend material. I don't know. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

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